Hello, my name is Tom.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tomharper, Mar 17, 2011.

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  1. tomharper

    tomharper New Member

    I wanted to write this a long time ago but always hesitated. I've been depressed for almost 3 years and it's hard. I'm now 25 years old and I'm in college, currently unemployed. At the beginning of my depression I was always irritated and angry. I started drinking for a good couple of months but that did not solve anything, it only helped me sleep at night. I slept during the day for more than 12 hours just so time would pass, and stayed up at night. This was the most difficult period. Being always angry I felt I was about to explode and do something horrible. That didn't happen and after a couple of months the anger went away and I started not caring.
    I always thought(and think) about suicide and there isn't a single day that passes in which I don't think about it at least a couple of times a day. I had it all planned and was suppose to commit suicide last summer. That didn't happen and unfortunately I'm still here.
    My parents are divorced and I haven't spoken or seen my dad in a couple of years. I hate him. He wasn't a bad father in the sense that he gave me what I wanted and provided, but he never understood me. He always thought that someone so young couldn't possibly have problems. Always shouting at me at work for not doing this or that right, instead of teaching me. I was 19 years old and had no friends, let alone a girlfriend and instead of being supportive he called me a loser. He used to say I would go to him someday praying on my knees and he'll close the door saying "I told you so" and "now you're on your own". I forgave and forgot but after a while the glass starts to fill. I wish he would die so I won't have that idea in my head of meeting him one day and making peace with him.
    My mom supports me and she's the only positive thing in my life. Always was. She told me to go back to school (I'm doing CS now) and didn't forced me to find a job, saying to concentrate on my school and projects. She's the reason I didn't commit suicide before. I have no friends and a lot of people hate me. I also have health problems, back problems (hard work isn't for me anymore) and other. School isn't going so good because of my depression and I lost all interest in it.
    I have never told anyone about this besides myself. I wanted to get help and talk to someone but didn't know where to go and since I live in a small town I can't ask my doctor or let my mom know since I don't want any pressure on her. I don't know how much I can live like this. Is it wrong to commit suicide when the only thing that seems to make you happy is death?
    I have this image of the door bell ringing and a police officer telling me there's been an accident and my mother has died. That will be the saddest and the happiest day in my life. Then I would finally end it all without destroying a life.
    My age, all the health problems, no job, no friends, no interest in school, no close relative, all are proof that I am a loser. I guess that man I called my father was right.. curse him.

    So.. these are the things I wanted to tell someone and it's another thing off the list. Nobody has to reply to this message.
    To every depressed and miserable person out there, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.

    Tom.
     
  2. SeperatedOne

    SeperatedOne Active Member

    I think you're brave, if you can get past your fathers mean comments and pluck up courage to talk about it on sf, then you are no coward.
    I wish you all best and I'm here if you want to talk.
    - Seperatedone xo
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    your father is a little man to pick on his child like that. he is the loser. keep reminding yourself of that. i'm glad you posted and got some of this off your chest. keep posting. you will find many people here who can relate, and who would be happy to support you through the worst of your suicidal feelings. welcome.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    First,welcome to SF. Thank you for sharing those deep secrets Tom. You'll see that SF is an incredible place to turn to others for support and care. Two things it sounds like you really need right now.

    I'm going to suggest something to you. I'm speaking as a Mom. I have 4 children, 20, 17, 15 and 5. I'm a single mom after a very bad 20 year marriage. I have been there for my children the best I could. We all share very open relationships and my children always feel free to talk to me about everything. So, I offer you that too. You can talk to me about anything you feel like you need to get out. Dont' think there is anything you can say that would effect me, trust me.

    I would also like it if you would consider talking to your Mom about how you are feeling. She would appreciate it more than you know. She sounds like she has been very supportive so far. You dont have to go into great detail and even leave out the part about almost attempting. But do tell her how you are struggling. You might be surprised to find she already figured something was out of sorts with you. If you like run it by me first and I can help you tweek it if need be before you share it with her. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a know-it-all. It's just as a Mom I know how it hurts when you know your child is suffering but you dont know why. Your Mom sounds like she would be eager to help you through this if she knew about it all. I'm a pm away if ya need to talk :arms:
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am glad to see you reaching out here. You are not alone now okay keep posting maybe go to chat meet up with new people Pm me anytime hugs
     
  6. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    Hello,
    I just wanted to say that me and you have had a similar relationship with our fathers minus the divorce. Do not allow him to have control over your life, all that does is hurt. You can see the divorce as blessing in a way: you don't see him as much. All I can stay is stay strong! ---Kai :hug:
     
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