I wanted to write this a long time ago but always hesitated. I've been depressed for almost 3 years and it's hard. I'm now 25 years old and I'm in college, currently unemployed. At the beginning of my depression I was always irritated and angry. I started drinking for a good couple of months but that did not solve anything, it only helped me sleep at night. I slept during the day for more than 12 hours just so time would pass, and stayed up at night. This was the most difficult period. Being always angry I felt I was about to explode and do something horrible. That didn't happen and after a couple of months the anger went away and I started not caring.
I always thought(and think) about suicide and there isn't a single day that passes in which I don't think about it at least a couple of times a day. I had it all planned and was suppose to commit suicide last summer. That didn't happen and unfortunately I'm still here.
My parents are divorced and I haven't spoken or seen my dad in a couple of years. I hate him. He wasn't a bad father in the sense that he gave me what I wanted and provided, but he never understood me. He always thought that someone so young couldn't possibly have problems. Always shouting at me at work for not doing this or that right, instead of teaching me. I was 19 years old and had no friends, let alone a girlfriend and instead of being supportive he called me a loser. He used to say I would go to him someday praying on my knees and he'll close the door saying "I told you so" and "now you're on your own". I forgave and forgot but after a while the glass starts to fill. I wish he would die so I won't have that idea in my head of meeting him one day and making peace with him.
My mom supports me and she's the only positive thing in my life. Always was. She told me to go back to school (I'm doing CS now) and didn't forced me to find a job, saying to concentrate on my school and projects. She's the reason I didn't commit suicide before. I have no friends and a lot of people hate me. I also have health problems, back problems (hard work isn't for me anymore) and other. School isn't going so good because of my depression and I lost all interest in it.
I have never told anyone about this besides myself. I wanted to get help and talk to someone but didn't know where to go and since I live in a small town I can't ask my doctor or let my mom know since I don't want any pressure on her. I don't know how much I can live like this. Is it wrong to commit suicide when the only thing that seems to make you happy is death?
I have this image of the door bell ringing and a police officer telling me there's been an accident and my mother has died. That will be the saddest and the happiest day in my life. Then I would finally end it all without destroying a life.
My age, all the health problems, no job, no friends, no interest in school, no close relative, all are proof that I am a loser. I guess that man I called my father was right.. curse him.
So.. these are the things I wanted to tell someone and it's another thing off the list. Nobody has to reply to this message.
To every depressed and miserable person out there, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Tom.
I always thought(and think) about suicide and there isn't a single day that passes in which I don't think about it at least a couple of times a day. I had it all planned and was suppose to commit suicide last summer. That didn't happen and unfortunately I'm still here.
My parents are divorced and I haven't spoken or seen my dad in a couple of years. I hate him. He wasn't a bad father in the sense that he gave me what I wanted and provided, but he never understood me. He always thought that someone so young couldn't possibly have problems. Always shouting at me at work for not doing this or that right, instead of teaching me. I was 19 years old and had no friends, let alone a girlfriend and instead of being supportive he called me a loser. He used to say I would go to him someday praying on my knees and he'll close the door saying "I told you so" and "now you're on your own". I forgave and forgot but after a while the glass starts to fill. I wish he would die so I won't have that idea in my head of meeting him one day and making peace with him.
My mom supports me and she's the only positive thing in my life. Always was. She told me to go back to school (I'm doing CS now) and didn't forced me to find a job, saying to concentrate on my school and projects. She's the reason I didn't commit suicide before. I have no friends and a lot of people hate me. I also have health problems, back problems (hard work isn't for me anymore) and other. School isn't going so good because of my depression and I lost all interest in it.
I have never told anyone about this besides myself. I wanted to get help and talk to someone but didn't know where to go and since I live in a small town I can't ask my doctor or let my mom know since I don't want any pressure on her. I don't know how much I can live like this. Is it wrong to commit suicide when the only thing that seems to make you happy is death?
I have this image of the door bell ringing and a police officer telling me there's been an accident and my mother has died. That will be the saddest and the happiest day in my life. Then I would finally end it all without destroying a life.
My age, all the health problems, no job, no friends, no interest in school, no close relative, all are proof that I am a loser. I guess that man I called my father was right.. curse him.
So.. these are the things I wanted to tell someone and it's another thing off the list. Nobody has to reply to this message.
To every depressed and miserable person out there, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Tom.
