hello, new and survivor of sexual abuse...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lostraven, Feb 14, 2011.

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  1. lostraven

    lostraven New Member

    from the time I was 7, my father's cousin molested me, he was then in his 50's or 60's it has destroyed who I am in so many ways and has led to an endless series of broken relationships, my sabotaging anyone (man) who tries to get close to me, and a ton of self-loathing and self-hatred. I started drinking at the age of 13, and am 42 now. I have three failed marriages in my wake, the second one produced my beautiful 11 year old daughter. Her dad is also an abuse survivor and has had his share of struggles with alcohol and drugs in the past as well, so he has been very patient and non-judgemental of me in my struggles.

    Most recently, because I stopped my bipolar meds due to no health insurance (I lost my job the end of Sept. and also my insurance), I have fallen down a dark abyss of pain and self-hatred. It has been much worse due to my financial situation, which has been very dire and a big struggle, to the point where I visit a food pantry twice per month, had to resort to public assistance program to give my daughter some kind of a decent Xmas, and just applied for food stamps this morning (I may qualify for a whopping $16/month if approved!!! It's almost not even worth the effort).

    To boot, about 1.5 months ago, I reconnected with an older cousin (he's 51 but looks much younger) on facebook, who I did not grow up with and who I hadn't seen in many many years. I developed a major crush on him which I misstook as love and we started a relationship (we are technically half cousins, but STILL, soooo wrong on so many levels). I broke things off for good this past weekend, and am filled with MORE self-loathing and disgust for myself as a result, especially since I had a bad spell (very bad) last week, wherein he proceeded to tell my daughter that "mom is thinking of taking a bottle of pills or drinking herself to death." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??!! I did not know the extent of what he told her until this past weekend when my daughter and I spent the day together on Saturday and she confided to me just why she told her school guidance counselor this, and why she is now wanting to live with her dad for a while (which she has been since last week).

    I feel like what is the point of anything anymore? The only thing that has ever stopped me is my daughter and the thought of what a suicide would do to her and how she would blame herself for it and destroy her life. I know that she needs me, despite how messed up and lost I am and have been most of her life. it is such a helpless feeling.

    I have been trying desperately to stop drinking alcohol altogether as I know that nothing good can come of it, especially with how I have been feeling. I lasted about four full days in a row, then this weekend decided to drink merlot wine after breaking things off with the cousin (that makes me shudder to remember it all, it just seems so disgusting and nasty to me in the aftermath of it all). I am once again determined to just stop but it is HARD. I have been to and am familiar with AA and attending meetings it is a wonderful program and the people are so supportive and kind.

    Yet, I just feel once again at the end of my rope again. Like my life has just been a series of wasted years and nothing productive to speak of (except for my little girl, she ssems to be the only thing I have ever done right).

    Sorry for the rant. I just don't know what to do. I did put a message in to my former psychiatrist to explain my no med situation and ask for his advice or if he has any ideas on what I can do, this depression and self hatred is making me feel like I am slowly dying inside, and I can't stand myself. Thank you for reading.
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Welcome to the forum, i hope you find empathy, understanding and caring here, i for one can give you some.
    Your story is so hard to read.
    Like you i have made the wrong decisions sometimes as far as relationships, history can make things seem normal in an abnormal world.
    There are many here who will understand you and have shared some of your past.
    Please reach out, maybe make some posts and read some too.
    I have children too, and, i have been forced to love them as much when they are not with me as when they are close.
    Please, please, pm me if you ever want to talk, i so wish you well.
    Stay safe, stay strong, stay loved.
    Regards Pete
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Realize you are not alone in your struggles.

    Your daughter is all the reason you need to keep going. They're countless others, but that ones seems to be the easiest to except.

    No one in this world is beyond failures. People learn from their mistakes, and their wisdom grows from its given knowledge.

    What happened to you as a child is pure evil. You didn't deserve it, nor do you deserve the falsely laid guilt which rests upon your heart. My grandmother was a victim of rape. My mom was conceived through that act of evil. Later my mom was molested by a family member. I have had a friend who was molested. I understand all to well how it can get inside your head, eating away at you sense of worth. Listen to me very carefully here. As hard as it is to accept warmth into your heart, as hard as it is to choose to not be a victim but a victor. You must do it, or you will never find peace. You deserve peace and comfort.

    The best thing you can do about your daughter is to talk to her. You don't have to give her the evil details. Still let her know you care enough to let her into that part of your life. Make sure she knows that you trust her enough to confide in her. Make sure she knows you have an open door to your heart so she knows and feels comfortable coming to you with her problems.

    I too am a alcoholic. I struggle with it everyday. I decided to stop drinking, and for about a month or a little more I haven't. This is just my opinion and everyone has them. For me an AA meeting would do zero good. To do something or not to do something is a choice only the individual can make. I have the power to put that bottle down and not pick it up again. Will I mess up, you bet I will because I am human. I am fallible. Still I will continue to try. That's all you can ask of yourself.

    I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Just please find the strength to keep going, and realize you are not alone. Find the music in your life, I bet your daughter is a part of that music. :piano:
  4. lostraven

    lostraven New Member

    thank you both for your kind words and support. i just have not been this low down in a very long time, although my entire life feels as if it's been one struggle after another. Not working has been adding to the crushing feeling of worthlessness and that is not good. Not for my lack of trying to look for work, there is just not a whole lot out there.

    The molestation issue has been the catalyst, in my mind, that got me to enjoy the numbness that drinking brought to me early on, to numb that pain and those memories, and it has continued long into my mid-adulthood.

    I have been in and out of counseling since the age of 21, half my life, yet it has not brought me closer to having any answers or any peace, not yet anyway.

    Julia, your thought about finding the music in my life was just beautiful and made me cry but in a good way, it really moved me. Not only is my daughter part of that music, indeed she is my entire symphony. She has saved my life thus far just be her very existence.

    I will continue to post and read on here, and am thanking God that I found all of you. Peace and love.
  5. Ava

    Ava Member

    I am so sorry that you had to go through this. No one deserves to that. I think you are very strong to have survived, shaken but not stirred. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  6. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about dating your cousin. There is really nothing disgusting about it. Dating a first cousin rarely causes genetic problems with children, and is on the same level as dating someone your age, but since they are a half cousin then that kind of cancels things out. It's also not a sin in many religions including Christianity.

    What he told your daughter seemed to be manipulative and wrong. I'm sorry that he disclosed such important information. He deserves the boot just for that if you ask me.

    Try some new stuff. Go out on the town, but don't drink. You can find a new guy.

    Many of us understand your suicidal feelings and abuse. It's difficult living with that disgust and guilt. To struggle every single day, despite previous counseling. Try being more careful with who you trust your information with next time. Show your daughter that you care, and that you want to get better.
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Lostraven, I have no sage words, but i am deeply, deeply sorry for what you have gone through, no one, ever, should go through these things, but we do. If I could take it from you I would, I dont want anyone feeling the pain this carries.
    We are here, and I am glad you found us.
    Please keep us in mind if you feel things arent going well, we are here
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