from the time I was 7, my father's cousin molested me, he was then in his 50's or 60's it has destroyed who I am in so many ways and has led to an endless series of broken relationships, my sabotaging anyone (man) who tries to get close to me, and a ton of self-loathing and self-hatred. I started drinking at the age of 13, and am 42 now. I have three failed marriages in my wake, the second one produced my beautiful 11 year old daughter. Her dad is also an abuse survivor and has had his share of struggles with alcohol and drugs in the past as well, so he has been very patient and non-judgemental of me in my struggles. Most recently, because I stopped my bipolar meds due to no health insurance (I lost my job the end of Sept. and also my insurance), I have fallen down a dark abyss of pain and self-hatred. It has been much worse due to my financial situation, which has been very dire and a big struggle, to the point where I visit a food pantry twice per month, had to resort to public assistance program to give my daughter some kind of a decent Xmas, and just applied for food stamps this morning (I may qualify for a whopping $16/month if approved!!! It's almost not even worth the effort). To boot, about 1.5 months ago, I reconnected with an older cousin (he's 51 but looks much younger) on facebook, who I did not grow up with and who I hadn't seen in many many years. I developed a major crush on him which I misstook as love and we started a relationship (we are technically half cousins, but STILL, soooo wrong on so many levels). I broke things off for good this past weekend, and am filled with MORE self-loathing and disgust for myself as a result, especially since I had a bad spell (very bad) last week, wherein he proceeded to tell my daughter that "mom is thinking of taking a bottle of pills or drinking herself to death." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??!! I did not know the extent of what he told her until this past weekend when my daughter and I spent the day together on Saturday and she confided to me just why she told her school guidance counselor this, and why she is now wanting to live with her dad for a while (which she has been since last week). I feel like what is the point of anything anymore? The only thing that has ever stopped me is my daughter and the thought of what a suicide would do to her and how she would blame herself for it and destroy her life. I know that she needs me, despite how messed up and lost I am and have been most of her life. it is such a helpless feeling. I have been trying desperately to stop drinking alcohol altogether as I know that nothing good can come of it, especially with how I have been feeling. I lasted about four full days in a row, then this weekend decided to drink merlot wine after breaking things off with the cousin (that makes me shudder to remember it all, it just seems so disgusting and nasty to me in the aftermath of it all). I am once again determined to just stop but it is HARD. I have been to and am familiar with AA and attending meetings it is a wonderful program and the people are so supportive and kind. Yet, I just feel once again at the end of my rope again. Like my life has just been a series of wasted years and nothing productive to speak of (except for my little girl, she ssems to be the only thing I have ever done right). Sorry for the rant. I just don't know what to do. I did put a message in to my former psychiatrist to explain my no med situation and ask for his advice or if he has any ideas on what I can do, this depression and self hatred is making me feel like I am slowly dying inside, and I can't stand myself. Thank you for reading.