Hello, new here..

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by snowlvr, Jan 17, 2011.

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  1. snowlvr

    snowlvr New Member

    Well, here I am, going to just ramble on as if I were speaking I suppose..
    I am so incredibly sad and feel so incredibly alone and have been for years there are no words to totally describe it, adopted as a baby, had a very abusive adoptive father, physically and emotionally which I know totally messed me up, I have an adopted brother and sister who had/have huge problems themselves and we really have no relationship even though all my life I have yearned for a sibling to be close to...that makes me cry...I have tried with my sister but she hates me, honestly I do not know why to this day but years ago I had to put up a wall as it hurt me so badly being put down and being blamed for everything, have suffered from severe depression since about age 18...my doctor says it's something I was born with, married a man who I knew was totally wrong for me...I always felt worthless and I believed he was all I could get, he's mentally abusive, flash forward 20 years...in between massive depressive episodes and trying to get on the right anti depressant....my daughter is 19 and I feel such guilt as I could not leave my husband with her and she has grown up with a nut as a father, she hates him...4 years ago decided to really torture myself and find my birth mother, she was mortified to hear from me and was very cruel, my 1/2 siblings were very happy to hear from me at first but suddenly disappeared and I've never heard from them again, that's after one brother who even called me quite a few times and told me he will always be there for me....gone, kaput...and there I was being "good" and not saying anything out of line so they would like me....that even sounds ridiculous to me now...but that's me, afraid of being blamed as always, anyway I would leave this world if it were not for my daughter, how can I ever leave her knowing her mom took her own life, I basically want to take pills and go to sleep, never ever wake up,...can't believe I'm sharing this, I have come so close and I end up saying out loud...don't do it, don't do it...I don't drink or do drugs...I run, I run and run with my dog, we live near trails and lot's of parks and I run...that saves me, Well, that's me...I yearn for love, I know it, I yearn to have a life, I know I'm a good kind person but life has been hell for me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi welcome to SF I too stay for my daughter one should never ever leave that pain to them hugs okay:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello, Welcome to the forums..I know how it is to be treated wrong when you try so hard.. I went back to my ex six times so my daughter would have both her parents..Didn't work out.. So I missed my daughter growing up..Her mom moved out of state before the divorce was final..
  4. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Snowlvr, I am glad that you found the forum. Welcome. I am sorry for your hurt. I hope that you can continue talking with us. :hug:
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hi and welcome for to the forum.
    I am also adopted and suffered at the hands of my "father", i found bio mum too, and well that hurt. You are not alone anymore.
    I yearn as you do.
    Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk.
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