Hello, not sure what I should do

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Valmont, Dec 15, 2012.

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  1. Valmont

    Valmont Member

    Hello to all, hope you are doing well, I am not really sure how I got here but here it goes, I am 26 in grad school, and for lack of a better term emotionally stunted and crippled. Can't say I had a bad up-bringing, my parents are nice in a fucked up kind of way, but I was never hit or anything like that. as a very small child, even kinder garden, I was very shy, if nobody asked me to play, I never would play, and I always been kind of intimitimes by other people, which made middle school and high school a nightmare for me, I would get made fun alot, especially middle school, and became very angry, an anger that never really left me. Never had a good friend, the half of dozen times came close to making a friend, I found something off about them, sometimes I was right, other times I would be nitpicking. Still I learned to enjoy my own company and it made my teens years livable. Eventually I went to college out of state, and it was more of the same, no friends, angry, overall feeling of dread, after that I went to grad school and had what can really be described as an emotional breakdown, I ended up flunking out but I never really tried because I was always told to go to grad school for something I never really cared for, after that I moved back home where I was lonely, but kind of content in my misery too. Now I am about to start a different grad school for a different major, one I am actually intreseted in. But still I am 26 despretely lonely, and while my life is in a upswing I still feel like I would be better off dead. Its not that I want to die so much as I don't see the point in living, I mean ideally I do well in school, get a good job, work hard, make money and still die so why not cut out 50 years of misery and get straight to the point. So thats kinda of it. I should be happy but I am miserable
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you talked to your doctor hun about how miserable you are Your doctor can help you get out of the depression your in. Why wait 50 yrs hun you can't know what tomorrow will bring you Perhaps someone special hun you are still very young. Get on meds do some therapy to get rid of the pain the anger and get feeling stronger ok You deserve a chance at happiness hun reach for it hugs
  3. Valmont

    Valmont Member

    well I have been under a doctors care since I 14, nothing really seems to help no matter how much I say I am unhappy, I am on medication now that works better then what I use to be taking, I have been on it for three years, roughly, I am still unhappy but I went from trying to kill myself to not trying to kill myself and when I made the slightest change to it, a like for like change, I began having really really dark thoughts and stopped it before the month was out, so even though I am unhappy the medication I am on is stoping me from activly trying to kill myself so I am afraid to change it
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Valmont - welcome to SF hun :) Your future will not be just more of the past, once you have insights that are still waiting to be discovered. I know this was my problem - I was tempted throughout my life to think dark thoughts about it and the meaning of it all - but the reasons for why I did that I had not a clue about - until I went on a search for insight that would explain things so I could understand them. We can 'go' with what we can understand - and inisight is there to be had for all who want it, and who seek it honey :)
  5. Akel

    Akel New Member

    Hi there.

    I have to say my first thought when I read your post was that you are really brave. You have survived the things that I'm going through right now and even though it's hard you are looking for help. I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I understand what you're going through. You've made a difference in my life and I hope I see more of you around here. What you have accomplished so far took courage and even if it doesn't feel like you did anything special, I think you did.

    I think the most we can ask of ourselves is to take it one day at a time. I know I get overwhelmed when I think about the rest of my life. It's daunting. It's unknown. It's terrifying. I don't want to think about tomorrow's struggles when I'm drowning in today's. I don't know the future. It may be better or it may be worse, but I'm going to take it slow and hope things turn out better than I can imagine. Let's face it, when you're suicidal, it's hard to imagine anything, but the worst.

    May we be stronger together
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