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Hello, pointless rambling introduction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by learis, Aug 10, 2009.

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  1. learis

    learis Member

    Hi, first post. I don't know what demographic info this site allows and doesn't allow, but I'm just going to tell my age and sex. I'm a 22 year old male. I think I'm getting closer and closer to committing suicide. Firstly, I now happen to be living on the penthouse of a high-rise. Lol, I suppose that's a real sucky place to be for someone who's waivering on the edge. The beautiful view is so inviting, and <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>; it seems so peaceful. It's like when your falling it feels like the weight of the world is falling off your shoulders.

    My life has never amounted to that much. I've always been really shy. I've been lucky enough to have a few close friends here and there. I've never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl. I usually feel like I've never really lived. I'd say the thing that makes me want to commit suicide the most is just the sheer monotonous boredom of life, and the extremely painful feeling that I'm too much of a coward/fuck up to improve myself. No matter how i try, I can't shake off my social anxiety and self-consciousness. I absolutely hate trying. Recently, it just feels like suicide is just a relief from this all. I imagine that i don't have to worry about trying to live a perfect life, finding love, being successful etc. None of it will matter if I'm just rotting in the ground.

    Death is becoming less and less scary to me and more and more appealing. I go up to the balcony and I sit there for like an hour. I lean on the rail and try and do everything I can to psych myself out into jumping off. Alas, to no avail. Truth is that it's possible that in 6 months my life will be taking a dramatic change towards adventure, although I'm not at liberty to say what the adventure is. I suppose this is the main thing keeping me from takin the big leap. The thing is that I'm just so tired of waiting. It feels like my whole life has been one big entire wait.

    I don't like to overdramatize stuff. I'll admit, I do get very sad. But in the end everything boils down to a rationalization for me. I try to rationalize whether the instant satisfaction of killing myself is better than the possible delayed satisfactions I might or might not get while staying alive. It seems like I'm at the point where I'm trying to build up the confidence to kill myself. I don't know how things will turn out. It's just so simple to push yourself off the edge, and once your off there's no coming back. I just feel like if I get a sudden spur of the moment urge I could go off.

    Lol, if you've read all the way up to this, you're a real sport. I'll try to make my future posts have more of a point or a topic or something.

    edit: Apparently, I posted somewhere on here a year ago. I don't remember, so I guess this is my second post.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2009
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad you found this site. And I'm even more glad that you havent found the courage. It means that although everything seems to be "pushing" you towards the edge there is still a part of you that keeps backing up. That's the part that brought you here. Hun it's not pointless rambling. It's how you feel and it is important. Important to talk about. Important to vent about and important that you find support and help with it. I'm glad that you plan on future posts. There are so many good people here. People that understand all too well what you mean and how you feel. But they are people that can support you and help you get past this. Maybe this is an adventure you weren't expecting. An adventure that can help you change those "ramblings" and put some worth back in your life. Maybe make that spur of the moment make you go off and find a new outlook about you and your life. Keep posting and let us know a little more about yourself.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I too am glad you found this site and are able to share what you are feeling. While it seems many things are driving you closer to the edge, more things are pulling you back to safety. There are people here whom can relate to your struggles and perhaps sharehow they have managed to get beyond them. Take care. :hug:
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: i'm here for you if you ever want to talk or anything :heart:
    triggs xx
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