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Hello [potential triggers?]

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jackson MacKenzie, Mar 28, 2015.

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  1. Jackson MacKenzie

    Jackson MacKenzie New Member

    Perhaps this should go in another subforum, but I only have enough energy to make one post. So here goes. I will trust whichever moderator examines this first post (since my account is still under trial) to put it where it ought to go.

    Hi. I'm Jack. Not my actual name, of course.

    My life should be great. I have little in the way of financial worries, I have a promising education ahead of me and an almost-guaranteed career in my field after it. I have a loving and supportive family, and friends whose company I enjoy.

    And I am suicidal. And I have been for years. My friends and family don't understand why I am. I don't understand why they aren't.

    I can point at things in my life - I'm a veteran, my marriage fell apart, people I love die - and those suck, yes. But they are not why I am suicidal.

    When I wake up in the morning, I can't stand the sight of my own face. When I think about my life, I cannot honestly come up with a reason why it ought to continue. I know that leaving this life would be injurious to many people, but frankly that doesn't seem like a good reason to continue it. It makes no sense to me that my life should be a constant act of martyrdom, keeping on with a hellish existence simply because doing so is comforting to those around me.

    The only conclusion I have been able to come to about why I have not yet managed to die is that I am a coward; that I dread the great unknown more than I fear my own life. Yet this makes me look at suicide as an even more desirable thing; the act of a brave man, "tak[ing] up arms against a sea of troubles".

    I have been looking for a solid reason to not seize my own destiny in this fashion; and I have not been able to find one. All the arguments I've ever heard - including those that are quoted in this forum's stickies - seem to me empty, disingenuous, and/or self-serving. That is to say: they are either "I don't understand why you would do that", "your reasons are not good enough", or "I don't want you to do that". None of which is a reason; I am full of reasons to hang myself, but for some reason (see also: I am here) I am still looking for a reason not to.

    I am tired of deluding myself, tired of attempting to make my life tolerable without success, and tired of my own bloody cowardice.

    I'm also tired of baffled looks, dismissal, and pleading - which is about all I get even from my therapist these days, let alone from my family and friends. See also why I'm here.

    Hi. I'm Jack.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I understand that you being hurting a long time but life is important and that includes you. In life, we try our best and sometimes things do not happen. It's about learning our mistakes and trying to a better person. Yes, life is hard whether it's financial as emotionally but we can get through.

    In no way, your are a coward but a survivor and never think less of yourself. You need to kinder to yourself and try to live on a day by day or even hour by hour basis. Everyone struggles in their own even though they might put a happiness mask. You never know what a person is feeling inside unless they share and are open about their feelings.

    I'm glad you joined this forum as you will find comfort here among others who understand what you are feeling and currently experiencing. We can help you through this tough time you are experiencing. You need to continue going to see your therapist as well and take any medication you take assuming you take some for anxiety your are feel so dark. I apologise if you this has offended you but I'm try to show true compassion.

    Please read the others posts here as it will show you that people from different walks of life experience similar issues like yourself. More important, keep posting and be safe my dear friend.
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Jack, it's a matter of perception. One could say you're actually very brave for continuing to push on every day, even while you feel so depressed. In fact, the people who get accused of cowardice are often the ones who actually go through with it. Who is to say what's right?

    One of the reasons you're alive is because your sense of self preservation is functioning. That's a healthy thing. Good for the survival of the species and all that. It's not something to hold against yourself.

    I You mention that you have a therapist, but it doesn't sound like that's helping much. Are you on meds at all? And are there any chances of finding another therapist? This might seem an odd thing to say, but I think you might benefit from a therapist who is as cynical as you are. You are not going to benefit from platitudes.
  4. Michi

    Michi New Member

    Hi jack,

    I am new too but not to the feelings you are expressing. People around me think that I have "Everything"- good job, wonderful (but totally blind husband), beautiful house in the country, young and attractive looks even though I am just past 50. But I feel EXACTLY like you do. My issue is guilt. I even feel guilty belonging to this group because many more here are worse off than me.

    I know what you mean by taking the bull by the horns and directing your own life. I have had three very serious suicide attempts (that should have killed me) and four or five that were mostly gestures. My last suicide attempt (2011), I took the knife my husband gave me while saying, "Do everyone a favor and just kill yourself" and took it upstairs with me to bed (we had separate rooms). I waited until everyone was asleep (husband and 10- year old son) and then stabbed myself in the heart. I cannot explain to you the euphoria of what I had done. I was actually proud of myself for NOT being a coward. I felt virtually no pain, although it did hurt when I pulled the knife out. I began to drift into unconsciousness.

    Some time later, my 10 year old son came into my room and saw me. I was awakened by his screams of panic. As I sat up in bed, the blood poured from my wound, actually was pumping out, then I lost all consciousness.

    So this brave act that I thought I did, ruined my son forever. He was once a bright and happy child, now at nearly 14, he is failing school, depressed, and living with his abusive father. No court would EVER give me custody.

    I'm remarried now to a very gentle and loving man. But Every moment of laughter, every smile, every little pleasure makes me guilty. What right have I to ANY happiness when I destroyed any hope of happiness in my son?

    So what I'm trying to say, is that the odds are against you. Even if you shoot yourself in the head,,you will live most likely.<mod edit- guidelines>. During my one month stay in the mental hospital, following my many surgeries and weeks in the hospital, I saw a man there who had half a face. Like many before him, he flinched just before firing the gun. Believe me. Whatever he had to deal with before this episode is nothing compared to what he's up against now.

    So suicide (whether successful or not) NEVER solves problems; it just creates more. I have to remind myself of this frequently, every day sometimes to keep me alive.

    I truly DO wish you all the best. Michi.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2015
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