Perhaps this should go in another subforum, but I only have enough energy to make one post. So here goes. I will trust whichever moderator examines this first post (since my account is still under trial) to put it where it ought to go. Hi. I'm Jack. Not my actual name, of course. My life should be great. I have little in the way of financial worries, I have a promising education ahead of me and an almost-guaranteed career in my field after it. I have a loving and supportive family, and friends whose company I enjoy. And I am suicidal. And I have been for years. My friends and family don't understand why I am. I don't understand why they aren't. I can point at things in my life - I'm a veteran, my marriage fell apart, people I love die - and those suck, yes. But they are not why I am suicidal. When I wake up in the morning, I can't stand the sight of my own face. When I think about my life, I cannot honestly come up with a reason why it ought to continue. I know that leaving this life would be injurious to many people, but frankly that doesn't seem like a good reason to continue it. It makes no sense to me that my life should be a constant act of martyrdom, keeping on with a hellish existence simply because doing so is comforting to those around me. The only conclusion I have been able to come to about why I have not yet managed to die is that I am a coward; that I dread the great unknown more than I fear my own life. Yet this makes me look at suicide as an even more desirable thing; the act of a brave man, "tak[ing] up arms against a sea of troubles". I have been looking for a solid reason to not seize my own destiny in this fashion; and I have not been able to find one. All the arguments I've ever heard - including those that are quoted in this forum's stickies - seem to me empty, disingenuous, and/or self-serving. That is to say: they are either "I don't understand why you would do that", "your reasons are not good enough", or "I don't want you to do that". None of which is a reason; I am full of reasons to hang myself, but for some reason (see also: I am here) I am still looking for a reason not to. I am tired of deluding myself, tired of attempting to make my life tolerable without success, and tired of my own bloody cowardice. I'm also tired of baffled looks, dismissal, and pleading - which is about all I get even from my therapist these days, let alone from my family and friends. See also why I'm here. Hi. I'm Jack.