I just want to say hello rather than be a total lurker. I don't anticipate participating a lot but have already benefited from the discussions that are taking place. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone in my thoughts, feelings, struggles, etc.... I am in a pretty good place right now. I have dealt with suicidal thoughts though for 30 years or so. They would come and go usually on about a 3 year cycle it would seem. I always had a coping mechanism that while effective (I am still here) wasn't very healthy. Well, I had a string of experiences starting about last December that really set me up for a major episode back in late March early April. I have been in therapy (same therapist) for the last 8 years dealing with various relationship and personal issues so I have a good support structure in place. I have also seen a psychologist in the past but that was a long time ago and fairly short. Anyway, when my therapist suggested that I needed a little more help than she could give me and thought I should see a psychiatrist I knew it was serious. Her primary concern was that I needed someone that could prescribe medications to help calm me down. I wasn't ready to go see a psychiatrist so we negotiated that I would go see my PCP and see if she would prescribe something for panic / anxiety / depression. I did this and am now on a couple of meds that have helped tremendously. I wish I had done this a long time ago. My wife calls one of them the "magic" pill. I still have most of the same thoughts and so far all the same triggers but the meds have helped take the edge off and slow everything down enough that I can use the tools that I have been learning over the last eight years a little more effectively and in real time. In other words they have really helped me with my awareness of what is happening before it takes me over. I am hopeful that as I continue to stop the full pattern from playing out that the thoughts will be reduced and possibly even some of the triggers will go away. I have decided to go see a psychiatrist and have an appt set for next week. It took a while to find a psychiatrist in this area that is will to actually do psychotherapy rather than just prescribe medications. I am now preparing for that first visit. So far the anxiety hasn't been bad but I am sure it will ramp up the day before. I'm not sure why I am so anxious. I was the same way before seeing my PCP and that went great, exactly as I had hoped. I had been seeing this doctor for 10 years or more, I think that may have helped but also led to some of the anxiety. Sorry to have gone on so long, just got a little carried away. Thanks for listening.