Hello there, My decision/

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Legendaryshadowhasfallen, Oct 14, 2007.

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  1. Hi there My Name is Neil I am from Guildford England and i am 18 years of age, ever since i was 13 or 14 i have felt suicidal, people often call suicide 'the cowards way' This however is incorrect, in my view dying is hardly cowardly sometimes .. Well let me explain. Suicide is when emotional or maybe physical pain outweighs coping strategies/resources. I tried overdosing roughly 16 months ago but my parents found me before i could find my peace. I then spent 2 weeks in hospital before being placed in a Adoloscent psychiatric Ward Known as leigh House. I spent the best part of 5 months there and guess what i Hated it. The main reason for this Post or thread whichever you prefer, is to tell people who perhaps understand what suicide feels like. I do believe today is a Sunday and it's the 14th, hopefully the 15th will be the day marked on my tombstone. I have already planned out my suicide and i just felt the need to tell someone before i actually carry it out. But if you feel like posting do not say "are you gonna get laid before you die' No I am not i want to die not get a quick fix of ass. However i am kinda a guy who has certain rituals if you like. I am going to do it the way people on deathrow used to or maybe still do. I am going to cook my favourite meal and watch my favourite movie and enjoy myself. Thankyou for taking the time to read this, Much respect and Good luck with your problems, hopefully just hopefully you can be more of a fighter and a stronger person than i was. Peace.
     
  2. Gem_Healer

    Gem_Healer Guest

    Hey..

    Don't do it. Talk about it.

    What makes u want to kill yourself?

    You survived thus far. Why not push on forward. And survive?

    Things do and will get better.

    Your not alone. And I'm sure alot of us will help you, if you give us the chance.

    XxDeadInsidexX
     
  3. I respect you alot but i have made my decision friend, i guess alot of things make up for it but i am not willing to share all but i will share perhaps the ones which people can relate too.

    1) Confidence you can not imagine what it is like to have to hide away in my room til the 2 am when no one is around, sitting on my computer not able to go to parties or see many friends. Before it was easier now it's just got worse, i feel like everyone hates me and they should i am a bad person and the fact i can't get a job makes me worthless, the Hospital didn't even help they gave up so i've had enough of beings a castaway.

    2) i had 2 main people in my life, My best friend and My fiancee, i guess these two are the ones that prevented me from trying again, but my fiancee literally told me she was leaving me cause i am not right for her and she can't live her life with me to it's full, if you think about it hearing this from the girl i dearly love was like getting stabbed by a madman 99 times all over your body and then getting up and walking away, it is basically impossible, That is metaphorically how i put my situation.


    I could explain more reasons but as i sad in the previous post i don't want help i just want for once for people to understand me, even relate to how i feel because it is hard being so alone and so goddamn worthless, but most of all i am scared i am scared of failing, if i fail i will go to an adult place and i be there for a long time i have already been told, Once again i say good luck.
     
  4. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    It's not impossible. :hug: It hurts like hell, but it is possible to get through.
     
  5. You are correct with humans nothing is really impossible and nothing is really certain but however i am tired of getting back up only for the big metaphoric hammer to knock me back down. I really have had enough :(
     
  6. I got one question for you... have you tried absolutely everything you can to make your life better? Everything?
     
  7. Well i have tried counselling, therapy, i was forced into a psychiatric hospital, Gp says i don't have depression and i have tried on my own and of course relying on my friend and ex fiancee but she gone now :'(
     
  8. Gem_Healer

    Gem_Healer Guest

    Your not alone. And nor are you worthless.

    I understand where your coming from ,and how your feeling. tho probably not to the extent you feel it.

    It's a shame your not willing to try.

    Because I'm willing to try and help.

    :( *hugs*
     
  9. ; Hugs; Thankyou People like you guys always make you think why can't i live near them people but truth is i have tried over and over and it just makes me sick to the stomach, i will be at peace and wont need to struggle through anymore, i am very worthless and not needed Hopefully death will give me my peace :'(
     
  10. Gem_Healer

    Gem_Healer Guest

    ur not worthless.
     
  11. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    There's always something brand new try out, there's someone out there waiting to come "into" your life. You're a young kid. I'm 22. I felt suicidal(still do sometimes) at 16, came close to it but did not complete it.

    I often look back and think 'I wouldn't have experienced this if I took my own life 6 years ago.' As much as I hate myself, that thought is true as well.

    Your life will change when you turn 20. No one knows which path your life will take but just know that your life will inevitably change and you've not 'hit a wall.' There's light at the end of the tunnel. We do not know how bright, but it'll be there. That's a FACT.

    What I suggest is forgive yourself.. give yourself a pat on the back for all that you've endured.

    Free yourself of the responsibilities you have for a while. Academics.. work..
    (cetera) and do something fun, something you've always wanted to do.

    try learning a new musical instrument and joining a band(you're from musical haven, England right?), try watching more movies similar to our favorite film, try ignoring all the B.S, 'plastic' people throw at you and making new friends.
    take a seat in a bookstore and read 'your best life now' by "Joel Osteen." Maybe a change of perspective could be all we need to make progress.

    Do not end it all tomorrow. You can post again and again tomorrow and later on, whenever you feel like it. At least give yourself a few good years(like I did). Give yourself a chance and redeem yourself. You can make some things in your life a lot more pleasant.

    Who knows? You may find someone special on Christmas eve.
    Here's the thing, we may never know, if we end it all right here.
    Tomorrow, Go to a mall, a gig, YMCA.. somewhere outside, and just "chill."
    Feel the breeze, break a sweat, play something, have some sweets, buy a guitar...

    Don't let anything or anyone get in your way of happiness tomorrow. You can find inner peace without taking your own life. Inner peace is all in your mind.
    'Escaping' your physical body will not grant you that wish. It won't.

    If you feel fulfulled learning a new song on the guitar(like me), that's "peace." If laying in the grass looking up at the sky gives you a moment of thoughtlessness, that is "peace."

    Death is the state of non-existence. I'm tempted sometimes. But I'll not do it for finding "peace." Because it simply has nothing to do with peace.

    might sound hypocritical, coming from a guy who also feels downcast and suicidal at times.. but it's good to hold on.

    syj85@hotmail.com, if you need any help.
    Good luck, mate~!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2007
  12. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Ive wanted to die for a while, but eventually I had to ask myself a very simple question. To end my pain, am I willing to transfer all of the shame, despair, ect. that I now feel onto my parents. I answered no, so I am still here.

    It may be stupid and illogical, but your parents and your friends will suffer terribly if you kill yourself. I don't have a moral objection to suicide itself, but I do believe it is wrong to destroy innocents to help yourself end pain or gain happiness. Suicide survivors are fucked up forever when someone they love kills themselves. It may be illogical, but that is the way it is. It sounds like someone loves you. Will you honor those that love you, or will you destroy them? Your call.

    By the way, I was once madly in love, and lost the person I loved at the same time, and as a result of an accident that left me with sexual dysfunction. Believe it or not, for a long time the loss of the person I loved hurt a hell of a lot more than the lifelong physical problem that accompanied it. Now the pain of lost love is gone, even though unlike you, I have been without the means to find another love to replace it. I feel frustrated as hell that I can't go on to live a normal life, and I feel pretty stupid that I was once more distraught over a girl that left me than a lifelong disability. If you had a fiance and have a best friend, then you must not be incapable of forming relationships. You are a little young in my opinion, especially when nothing is physically wrong with you, to decide that it will never get any better.

    In spite of what the suicide prevention folks say about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem, there are permanent problems. Losing a girlfriend at age 18 however, is not one of them.
     
  13. BrokenInside

    BrokenInside New Member

    I'm sorry I am not much of a help as I am going through the same thing. I am much older than you though and can't help but think of my daughter when I read your post. She isn't going through this, but you are her age and I would be devastated if she ended her life. What a hypocrite I am for thinking it, huh?

    Hugs to you. I hope you are feeling better and can ride the wave.
     
  14. Tahnks to you all, i decided to perhaps push on for one last time, who knows maybe the last chance is all i need, i thank you all for your comments and in some way i love you all and even though you all helped i do feel as though this moment may well happen again but as i said suicide is always an open door for me so whats the harm in trying something new.
     
  15. Gem_Healer

    Gem_Healer Guest

    Glad you changed ur mind :)

    I'm here to help you always. :)
     
  16. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm so glad you have changed your mind, remember we are here to support you, so lean on us, talk to us, let us be there for you.

    Is there anything you can change in your life to make things a little better? Anything, just one small thing? Maybe a routine... take a walk, read a book, doesn't have to be big, just a lil thing.... just think about it.

    Take care Hazel x
     
  17. IKnowIt'sOver

    IKnowIt'sOver Member

    I'm glad you changed your mind and I wish you the best for the future, this might seem a rather trivial question compared with the serious matters discussed here but can i ask you about your screen name in particular the shadow part. This word has caused many problems for me but what is it's significance to you?

    Also remember that indecision is a symptom of depression and as suicide can be impulsive you should still consult a councilling service despite your decision not to give up. Use this decision as the driving force to take strong positive action to help you overcome your depression as soon as possible before you fall back into a downward spiral.
     
  18. Oh i do apologize if i upset you friend but ages and ages ago i used to RP on internet forums and e-feds if you like. I came up with the name Shadowzrealm cause when i was very small i watched YuGiOh And then removed the realm and grew attached to shadow and i guess due to how i feel i created a dream worl where i am well known and legendary, but as i feel suicidal these days i say i have fallen. Hope you can understand that.
     
  19. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    How could your GP say you're not depressed? What more does it take?I would kick him/her into touch if I was you

    To whoever posted "it might seem stupid and illogical" , the whole point is that exactly the opposite is true.It is the effect on those most close to you that should be countermost in your mind at all times.Suicide is a one-way journey,no return ticket,no second chance

    Try not to be so dependent on having a relationship to fulfill your life.. take the chance to do whatever you have always wanted to without having to answer to anybody.. I wish I had many moons ago but my circumstances are different now just as yours will be if you let them
     
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