One search phrase and five links later, I end up here. To type up some sort of idea of who I am, when I don't like or understand that person. Maybe my mother's rants sent me here, perhaps loneliness or even curiosity. Curiosity to see if no one will preach to me or actually make me care about existing. I wouldn't call it living unless I could actually feel the powerful emotions others do. Back to my introduction; Yes, I have depression. Had it since the beginning of middle school. Yes, I have tried therapy. It was quite a horrible experience and I certainly hope I never try it again. Yes, I have also tried religion, a more traditional sect. of Christianity you could call it. Very... straightforward rules I thought would help get my head straight. It did many things I wouldn't like to describe anytime soon, all of them psychologically damaging really. Those events may be in the recent past, but it still leaves me in a state above the pitch-dark hole of suicidal thoughts. Not to say they aren't there, but they simply lurk on the fringes of my consciousness mostly. It can be compared to feeling as if something is always looking at you, but you have no idea how far or close they may be. It makes it so easy to fall prey to triggers that happen frequently due to my apathy, and I don't have to fall far to be completely back to be completely engulfed by those thoughts. I suppose that's it other than I'm a lesbian that tried to come out to my mother a few months ago and it seems all she wants to do is pretend like it didn't happen. It is cruel, but I dunno why I expected so much more from the same person that pretends I'm not depressed on a daily basis.