hello there (trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by firemedic, Aug 21, 2012.

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  1. firemedic

    firemedic New Member

    Hi, everyone. I'm new to this board, and I'm surprised both that I am here, and that it took this long. I've struggled all my life with what has been diagnosed (at one point or another) as anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, social phobia, chronic depression, and others that I can't even remember at this point. I'm here because I feel like I'm close to my breaking point, and my friends don't know the whole story of my fucked-up-ness, and I don't want to drag them down with it.

    Where to start? The beginning? I was sexually abused as a very young child by my (much) older step-brother, who was supposed to be baby-sitting me. I think this started some of my problems, but I don't blame him for everything. It's caused some confusion at times about straight/bi/gay, although at this time I identify as straight. I've struggled to keep intimate relationships consistent, and lasting, all of my life. Eh...so, skip a little here and there.... I've been in and out of therapy. The state I live in pays for therapy for me for the rest of my life because I was abused as a child. High school was rough for me, but not more than anyone else, I don't think. Confusion, heartbreak, acceptance, rejection - I think I had a pretty normal high school experience. Now, I'm ok with things that I thought were the end of the world at the time. College was a lot of the same for me. Friendships made, broken, repaired - on and on. I feel like I *should* be a pretty normal guy. I've just never, and I mean NEVER, felt like I was deserving of anything good. I've always just been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And usually, either because I'm just unlucky, or because of my own self-fulfilling prophecy, it does. Friends move away. Girlfriends (and a couple of boyfriends along the way) leave me. Fired from more than a couple of jobs I really liked. Family members and close friends dying much too young, when everyone expected them to recover.

    The event that truly brought me to this point, where I feel like maybe I can't hang on anymore, is that my longest ever relationship was just ripped out from underneath me. First, a little backstory. I am Jewish. I am my parents' first-born son. I have one living grandparent, my mom's mom, or - my "Gamma". Gamma is the most important person in the whole world to me. She helped raise me. She's told me in confidence that I'm her favorite. I'm also the only person in a position to give her jewish great-grandchildren. My cousins have all abandoned judaism. My sister doesn't want kids, ever. I'm it. I met a woman four and a half years ago who made me feel whole. For the first time in my life, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sounds like bullshit, but the sun was brighter when she was near me. The air was sweeter. Life was better. I loved her, mind, body, and soul. I loved her family. She loved my family. We were planning on an engagement. I had a ring paid off. We even jokingly named our future kids - Benjamin and Lily. Then, about a month before our four year anniversary, we went for a walk, after eating dinner with her family, and she told me she wanted to break up, that she wanted to focus on herself, be her own person without me. She had been thinking about this a long time. This woman who had become an integral part of my life - who knew every thought and secret, we talked about everything together, planned everything together, had been planning this breakup for some period of time, and never told me. And that was it. No discussion. Just over. Happy one day, done the next. Gone.

    Now, I've had breakups before. Some were devastating. I know I'm 28. I'd had a couple of "adult" relationships prior to this one. The fact is, though, I wanted to marry her. I wanted to make a family with her. I wanted to show my Gamma her great-grandchildren. After we were together, I never imagined I would ever have to even dream about dating anyone else. I thought I had everything. My life, for the first time in my life, felt GOOD. I felt good. All of my friends told me I seemed happy like they had never seen me before. Work was better. Interacting was easier. Empathy came more naturally to me. I was sleeping better. Eating better. I was losing some of my pudginess through our cooperative efforts at weight watchers and working out in the gym. I was becoming the man I wanted to be all of my life.

    And she took that away. Four months ago. I'm depressed. My doctor has changed medications on me. I've changed jobs twice. Rejected for many more. Gaining weight. I don't go out with my friends. I hardly have energy to get out of bed in the morning. I dug my teddy bear out of storage and I cry myself to sleep most nights. I am a mess. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to come back from this. I tried getting right back into the dating "game" - but it all feels fake. I compare everyone I meet to her. I miss her all the time. I tried to take down all of my pictures, frames, signs, art - everything she brought to my apartment. OUR apartment. Trips we took together - all of the friends we made together - everything that was OUR life - now it's broken. I miss HER family too. They became my family. Worst of all, I feel like I failed my family. I let my Gamma down. She's turning 86 this year. Not in as good health as she used to be. I don't even want to think about her dying, but I don't want to be obtuse - I've lost my one chance at giving her the joy of seeing me raise a family. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to heal. I don't want to feel alright.

    Actually, I don't know what I want. I'm a paramedic/firefighter. I should know better, right? I've counseled dozens of people out of killing themselves and seeking help. All I know is that I have suicidal thoughts almost every night. When I stop moving, stop working, stop having a million things to think about all day, and all I have is that voice in my head, all I want to do is just stop. Just be done. Give up. I never used to think of specific methods, and how well they will or will not work, but now I do. It scares me, but it also gives me a little comfort, in a weird way. The only thing that stops me, the only reason that I'm still alive, still hoping and praying every night that the next morning I'll wake up and discover this was a dream, is because I can't possibly imagine hurting my Gamma like that. I love her too much. Everything else in my life - I don't even feel like it has meaning anymore. I'm just holding on to my Gamma, and how much she loves me, and hoping that things will just be better, or over, soon.

    So now.... I'm here. Ranting and putting all of this in writing was a little bit cathartic, I feel somewhat relieved to have just said this "out loud" - even to complete strangers. It didn't take away the feelings and thoughts I have, but at least now I know I've told somebody. I hope maybe somebody reads this, and understands.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...plez excuse the brevity of this post, but it is 4AM and I have no more brain cells left...I just did not want to go offline without responding to your thread. Your ex must be meshuga to let you go...you sound like a dear, sensitive and caring person...it makes perfect sense what you are going through as the agony of a broken heart is probably one of the worst conditions I have seen...please be safe and know that that there are so many people who understand...welcome again and please continue to post and let us know how you are doing
     
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