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Hello, This Is My Story

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KotaValentine, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. KotaValentine

    KotaValentine New Member

    Hello, my name is Dakota and like this thread's title says: this is my story. I hold many things in and I tend not to share with people, I'd much prefer to keep it all in. But for once I just want to lay it all on the line without a care and hope not to be judged too harshly. I'm not sure if anyone will read this, or if anybody even cares... But if there are people out there who do read this and do care, I'd like to thank you ahead of time for clicking on this to share a bit of your time with me to at least listen to what I have to say.

    I am 19 years old and live in a very small town of northeastern Ohio. For years now I have been a sufferer of depression that has become more severe as time progresses. What I have is known as chronic depression, although I am beginning to think that it may have escalated into full-blown manic depression. My entire life I have been awkward in social settings, I care too much subconsciously what others think of me to the point I have become anti-social and much of a hermit. The only way that I can be social or get out of the house is if I'm willing to fake a smile or a couple laughs, which can prove to be more difficult than most people may think it to be. This of course has had a very negative impact on my life. But to explain why or how I came into this depression, I have to go back to the beginning of my life. When I was young I was molested by my older cousin. Ever since then, I think I have developed a sheer hatred and disgust for sex. While I wonder what it would be like to do something like that with the person that I truly do love, I push the thought as far away from me as possible to insist that I'll never be able to do it. When I told what happened to my parents and they told our family, it caused a huge rift between all of us. Practically all my family believed I was lying aside from my parents, and the ones that "believed" me were two-faced anyway. It was because of this that I grew up not knowing what a family was outside of home. And even under the roof of my home, things were far from what a family was considered. My parents grew up fighting constantly and it wouldn't be surprising for them to take it out on me. Their forms of punishment verged on abuse, and I would be dealt with bruises by the hand of my father and sometimes even my mother. Growing up I thought of it to be only proper punishment that I was terrified of receiving, looking back now and remembering what happened though I see that it was wrong. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to hate my mother. Especially when they finally got a divorce after several attempts of separation.

    As if that weren't enough, I also grew up as a lonely child. I never really did have any true friends and the people who I called my friends were fake. At the end of the day, I was the child that was alone if I didn't force myself to stick onto others. I had my typical crushes on people, but they never did return them to my dismay. It continued to be like this until I reached middle school where I did finally have one good friend. My depression began around my 7th year in middle school where I became obsessed with the "emo" scene, of course. And with that, I fell to some bad coping skills such as cutting. I also did attempt to overdose several times, but never was successful. When my mother caught the marks on my arms, she asked me what I would tell my children if they left scars. That stuck with me and since then I have never cut myself again. When I reached high school, my one good friend ended up moving away against her will. I was alone again, and fell into a worse depression. Even so, I fell in love with my best friend through an online relationship. Even when I had no friends, she was everything to me. She was my happiness and I fell into a routine with her after 2 and a half years being with her. Then soon everything became an argument between us, and the relationship ended. I fell into a deep depression when she got a boyfriend. It became such a problem that my mom had put me in a suicide prevention board which was a nightmare. It was like a jail where they treated you like you were criminals. They held no compassion, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. Even so, I hated myself and I wanted to die.

    Eventually, I dropped out of school. I am currently out of school with no form of education. I also do not have a job nor a license. Because of these things, I feel absolutely miserable and useless. I want to start my life, but I'm unable to because of so many reasons holding me back. The people who I thought were my friends are two-faced and talk behind my back all the time. They're never there for me when I have suicidal thoughts. There is just one friend that is always there for me, and it's too much for her to handle all on her own. I hate putting all of my dread on her. I hate worrying her, I don't want her to know just how my depression is. Everyday I have a voice in the back of my head telling me how useless and pathetic I am, how nobody will ever love me, and how I should kill myself. Some days that voice is stronger, some days it is weaker. Today is unfortunately a day that it is shouting in my head, and I can't escape it. The only thing I can do is listen to music, cry, and hope that something will give so I can take that first step into getting my life in order. I feel alone, so I create imaginary friends. It sounds so pathetic, but it's the only thing that keeps me going. I pretend to have friends and I pretend to have a lover. It honestly makes me feel crazy, but if you knew me in person you wouldn't think I did any of this. It's only because I want to have true friends, I want to have a real relationship with someone who is actually there and not made up in my head. The pain is harder to deal with every day, but I'm trying to stay strong. My music is what keeps me going, and occasionally I will write or draw. But what I really want is just someone to be there for me who understands.

    So, I suppose this is my way of reaching out. That is the short version of my stress and not even nearly as much as I feel. It is overwhelming and everyday I just want to break down. I don't want to kill myself because I'm afraid that maybe someone would kill themselves because I did (maybe my mother, even though she ignores me for her boyfriend). And even if she isn't there for me, I still don't wish that on her. So I listen to my favorite bands like Pierce The Veil, All Time Low, or Sleeping With Sirens. They help me get through the days. But I still feel alone...

    If there is anyone who might feel like I do, then please let me know. Reach out for me and I will meet you halfway. I would like to have someone in my life that is real. I'm tired of pretending. Thank you for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun lots of caring people here h un that understand I m sorry you are so sad I hope in time talking here you will not feel so alone hugs