Hello to All and How I'm making it

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by nomoresunnydays, Oct 12, 2014.

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  1. nomoresunnydays

    nomoresunnydays New Member

    Hi Everyone,
    I found this place last night. I'm on the edge - I'm sure you all know what that means. But, I've promised my best friend that I won't take that last step. Even though, I'm getting a lot of...comfort about thinking about how I might 'do it'. I went to sleep last night w/ a nice sharp razor blade next to my bed. It's sort of like the person who stops smoking and leaves a pack of cigs within reach. Makes it my decision not to.

    Seems like for as long as I can remember I've been navigating a mine field. I've learned how to avoid the mines or dark black holes and keep going towards something better. There have been a lot of something betters that I thought would be worth all the very hard work. Just recently I managed to get into and graduate from a highly respected and quite rigorous Masters program that would give me a new career. Did well, graduated. Do I have a job? Uhm, NO. My lovely best friend has been practically supporting me financially through this - paying rent and most of the bills - so I can focus on my studies and CHANGE MY LIFE. Between feeling like I am life's biggest idiot for thinking I could change my life and be happy to feeling like a parasite on my friend who is in constant anxiety about finances I'm in a place I haven't been for a very long time.

    Bi-polar and depressed for most of my life, it was just how life was. But I always tried, tried to make it to a place where I could feel something more than the world sucking what little life and motivation I had right out of me. I had hope. I was a fool. Im pretty sure that nothing can change bc some cosmic something has decided that this is the hand I've been dealt. I have to either deal with it or fold.

    So - how I keep going. Depressed, suicidal, self-loathing, with no hope I still, STILL, try to get myself to believe that tomorrow brings another day and limitless possibilities that might send me off this road and on to another that is more livable, less destructive and has more than the possibility of better things for me.

    I've got me and two other friends who are on 'suicide watch'. Between the three of us we are finding a way to make it through the days. Text messages start: "I'm up and alive. U?"

    Bright spot: one of our three just got chosen for an interview for a job she really, really, really wants. Her current job is killing her - literally.

    Wish us luck, as I do all of you.
    Best wishes and hugs,
  2. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    Hello and welcome to the community. There are a lot of wonderful people here that are willing to listen. I hope that you can find what it is you are needing.

    Hugs to you
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