Hello, I just joined this forum. I have been depressed for most of my life, although there have also been times of brief happiness which I will always cherish, and which at times I almost confuse with something I have dreamt, something distant and unattainable, as it those times seem completely different from my normal atate. Lately things have been extra difficult in many different ways. Away from my family, separated from my wife, with almost no friends, feeling under attack almost constantly at work and elsewhere. It has been a time of almost constant sadness, relentless anxiety, and at times of the most utter dispair. I suppose, for the sake of brevity, that the main problem (the source of all my issues) is that I don't quite like myself. More accurately, I have hated myself for a long time, or at least a big portion of who I am. I know suicide is a very dangerous solution because it is radical and permanent. It leaves no room for hope. It is a terminal solution from which there is no turning back. I know all this, and yet I have thought about it a lot lately. I even toyed in my mind with the logistics of suicide. How I would carry it out, at what time. I considered what planning I should do to at least leave my affairs in a minimally manageable state for my family to have to do as little clean up after me as possible. This is all very sad and frightening, and so I felt I had to talk to somebody about it. That's why I joined this forum (and so that maybe I can help somebody along the way.) If you read this first post of mine, thank you. If you feel in pain, know that you are not alone (or at least, that you have many companions in your aloneness, one of which I am.) Talk to you soon.