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Hello to all (meet me and my dark thoughts)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IWantToBelieve, Sep 17, 2011.

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  1. IWantToBelieve

    IWantToBelieve Active Member


    I just joined this forum. I have been depressed for most of my life, although there have also been times of brief happiness which I will always cherish, and which at times I almost confuse with something I have dreamt, something distant and unattainable, as it those times seem completely different from my normal atate.

    Lately things have been extra difficult in many different ways. Away from my family, separated from my wife, with almost no friends, feeling under attack almost constantly at work and elsewhere. It has been a time of almost constant sadness, relentless anxiety, and at times of the most utter dispair.

    I suppose, for the sake of brevity, that the main problem (the source of all my issues) is that I don't quite like myself. More accurately, I have hated myself for a long time, or at least a big portion of who I am.

    I know suicide is a very dangerous solution because it is radical and permanent. It leaves no room for hope. It is a terminal solution from which there is no turning back. I know all this, and yet I have thought about it a lot lately. I even toyed in my mind with the logistics of suicide. How I would carry it out, at what time. I considered what planning I should do to at least leave my affairs in a minimally manageable state for my family to have to do as little clean up after me as possible.

    This is all very sad and frightening, and so I felt I had to talk to somebody about it. That's why I joined this forum (and so that maybe I can help somebody along the way.)

    If you read this first post of mine, thank you. If you feel in pain, know that you are not alone (or at least, that you have many companions in your aloneness, one of which I am.)

    Talk to you soon.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...many people contemplate suicide as a way to know their pain is within their control. This was true for me. My personal journey has been one of spiritual (not religious), professional and pharmacological interventions, which have helped me like myself more. I have found a sense of grace, and I am now working on forgiveness. Please continue to post and to let us know how you are doing. I am sure there are so many people here who will relate...Welcome again, J
  3. IWantToBelieve

    IWantToBelieve Active Member

    Thank you for your kind answer, Sadeyes.

    I find what you say about contemplating suicide as a means to assert control over the level of pain that someone will need to endure very interesting. I have to think about this a little, because I don't know if I can fully relate to it, at least not on a rational level. Then again, when I am thinking about suicide I am often not at my most rational.

    By the way, your username made me think about myself. Ever since I was a kid, you can see that I have sad eyes in many my photographs. It really breaks my heart to see myself in those photographs sometimes.

    Thank you again for your kind welcome.

  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, R.J.! I understand what it's like to think about suicide a lot. Just extending a warm hello to you. :)
  5. IWantToBelieve

    IWantToBelieve Active Member

    Hi Mr. Alex,

    Thank you very much for your warm welcome, and right back at you! :)

    I never talked about these feelings a lot, except with my wife (and I am starting to not wanting do that as much, because she has her own problems too, and I don't want her to be affected by my darkness.)

    Take care, and talk to you soon.

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