hello, to anyone

[margot414]

hello. i am new to the forum and i am not sure if this is the correct place to post but i suppose i'll start and if you want to direct me elsewhere that's okay, i'll totally repost or retype.

i'm 25, and feeling like my life is over. i am high functioning, with a job for all appearances sake should be the dream, i have a large social circle, and a family who is close by. i've worked tirelessly for 10 years to get where i am, and i feel nothing but heartache. gym, career building, parties, networking events, vitamins, better diet, what to wear, forcing myself through friendships, boyfriends and social interactions that drain every ounce of my being. everyone says that i'm beautiful and smart and talented and a "rising star" within my company and i don't see how ANY of those things are true. i am lonely. i have no one in my life who accepts me for who i really am, which is introverted, ridiculously deep, too nerdy for the way i look, and not very happy. i feel like i have to be perfect constantly, and really i don't even know why. i like myself and i've never understood why people don't like me. i'm successful and funny and i try so. f-ing. hard. and i'm never good enough. no one sees me. no conversations are real. and i feel like i'm working so hard and becoming exhausted from just trying to keep myself alive. i've been suicidal since highschool but i had hope about the future that independence and adulthood would bring. now i have everything i've worked for and i'm taking a breath to realize i'm barely alive, and i can't even tell if i exist. my suicidal thoughts & planning have increased to every other day. i don't know why i was born.

anyway. so dark-- and heavy and i hate talking about it because it makes me vulnerable and that i am not in control. but i want to live. i am willing to live... that's what scares me the most. is that i am trying so hard.. and i am failing at even convincing myself to keep going.

sorry... thanks for reading.

xx M

 

[margot414]

also i sincerely apologize if this post makes me sound completely and utterly intolerable and entitled. i only meant to say that when i express sadness or doubts about myself people write me off with a bunch of reasons why i shouldn't feel that way. i know i shouldn't feel that way but i do, thus the issue. also -- i have body dysmorphia and imposter's syndrome which i've been in therapy for in the past, so i know it's not entirely my fault i can't see the good in my life.

anyway. sorry....
xx M

 

[bhawk]

Never be sorry for expressing yourself. Also, for most of my life í pretended to be social, extroverted, lively and normal. Eventually I got so tired of it I was suicidal. Weirdly for me, it was the development of schizophrenia that saved me in my eyes. Once it was diagnosed and I was on meds it forced me to evaluate myself, I had to try to figure out what was me and what was my broken brain. I realised I didn't like the facade I had been using, I didn't like being normal, or social. And with that I decided to no longer care what other people thought. All I aimed for was being able to look myself in the mirror each night and go to sleep with a clear conscience. Since that point nigh on ten year ago I have tried to do what is right, by my own moral standards. I lost a lot of friends on the way but made some great new ones too.
Over the years I have built small social circles, ones where the friends aren't demanding, my work is good, I'm still in roughly the same career but I tend to work alone the majority of the time.

Basically I'm just rambling because of lack of sleep, but the point is, only hold yourself to your own standards. Bugger everyone else, a true friend will stick by you through changes too.
You need to do what makes you happy. End of the day it's you who will one day lay on your death bed asking yourself why you didn't do what makes you happy.
Life is fleeting, far too short to spend it any other way than happy.
Also knowledge of your illnesses can be empowering, it means you know what demon you are fighting.
Keep up with therapy, talk to people on here, everyone on here will always listen to you and talk you through things. There is massive support for you on here, use it when you need it.
Fighting your illnesses isn't easy, but it's what you need to do.
When I was suicidal I couldn't forsee the next day, I could never have guessed I'd have a beautiful child, I've seen amazing things I couldn't dream of.
Like the old saying goes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Fight it.

 

[drinty]

Hey no need for sorry. It's good you have sought help.

Sorry to hear your having a bad time of it, this is a good place to find support.

 

[margot414]

Never be sorry for expressing yourself. Also, for most of my life í pretended to be social, extroverted, lively and normal. Eventually I got so tired of it I was suicidal. Weirdly for me, it was the development of schizophrenia that saved me in my eyes. Once it was diagnosed and I was on meds it forced me to evaluate myself, I had to try to figure out what was me and what was my broken brain. I realised I didn't like the facade I had been using, I didn't like being normal, or social. And with that I decided to no longer care what other people thought. All I aimed for was being able to look myself in the mirror each night and go to sleep with a clear conscience. Since that point nigh on ten year ago I have tried to do what is right, by my own moral standards. I lost a lot of friends on the way but made some great new ones too.
Over the years I have built small social circles, ones where the friends aren't demanding, my work is good, I'm still in roughly the same career but I tend to work alone the majority of the time.

Basically I'm just rambling because of lack of sleep, but the point is, only hold yourself to your own standards. Bugger everyone else, a true friend will stick by you through changes too.
You need to do what makes you happy. End of the day it's you who will one day lay on your death bed asking yourself why you didn't do what makes you happy.
Life is fleeting, far too short to spend it any other way than happy.
Also knowledge of your illnesses can be empowering, it means you know what demon you are fighting.
Keep up with therapy, talk to people on here, everyone on here will always listen to you and talk you through things. There is massive support for you on here, use it when you need it.
Fighting your illnesses isn't easy, but it's what you need to do.
When I was suicidal I couldn't forsee the next day, I could never have guessed I'd have a beautiful child, I've seen amazing things I couldn't dream of.
Like the old saying goes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Fight it.

this is absolutely beautifully expressed. i am so glad to hear you have found peace with yourself & have lived to see your unrealized dreams manifested. thank you for your kind words, i greatly appreciate it.

i'll keep fighting tonight
xM

 

[margot414]

Hey no need for sorry. It's good you have sought help.

Sorry to hear your having a bad time of it, this is a good place to find support.

thank you, very thoughtful of you x

M

 

[PURE Vengeance]

Hey,
New to the site myself so welcome to us both. I am searching also and that said not sure if I can even give encouragement? With your situation, my first thought was that you're doing all that for other people and not doing what you want? Talking to others on here tonight has given me some hope. Maybe start with a post for someone else in need on the site? Idk but it has helped me heal just to let others know that they are not alone and unheard. Sorry, that's all I got but that is my first step tonight.

 

[Art123]

What people project and is perceived by others often isn't reality.

You need to be listened to by someone who won't judge you and I wish you the very best. These forums are great but better if you can find someone in RL to listen to you.

 

[Jonathan R.]

Hi Margot,

At times I feel the same and it's fine to be nerdy. No one truly knows me at work or home. I am single, and not really getting anywhere. I doubt my own ability to achieve stuff beyond work. I am sure you will be fine with your therapy and the people around you. If you want to talk I will lend you my ear to hear you.