I, of course, am new here. I am not currently suicidal but I have been surfing about suicide which is a sign that I am going downhill. I have bipolar and suffer from depression frequently. Last month I was in the psych ward for 18 days for ECT and to change my antidepressants. I am 56, have 2 small dogs (yorkie and papillon), divorced since about 1995, and my only child, Serena, died in a car accident in 1992 when she was 16 years old. Those are the important facts of my life. A few years after her death, in a search for a new life, I earn a Ph.D. in education and became a professor. About five years ago I had to go on disability and haven't been able to return to work since. I do volunteer at a charity that fixes donated computers and distributes them to people with low incomes. When I entered the door the first time someone handed me a computer and said scrap it. I had never opened a computer before. Now, about 4 years later, I repair hardware, install software, keep the install script up to date, help consumers, whatever is needed. Most of the time I like it. When I am not doing well I have trouble there and find it very stressful. Back to suicide... since this is the suicide forum. My first attempt was when I was about 14. No one ever found out as the only thing that happened was that I slept through a weekend. No one noticed I stayed in bed from Friday to Sunday. Since my daughter's death I have attempted several times and in different ways. My last attempt was probably about 4 years ago. Now when the urge/need to attempt becomes too intense I go to the ER. I am afraid to try it while I want to do it. I don't think I want to die, I think I want out and death is just a side effect.