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Hello, world...

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Well, I guess that this is sort of a coming-out post.

I'll keep it short here, since it's just an intro post. Being new here, I'm not sure what to say, or how in depth to get about anything (though I've read the FAQ, so I know generally what not to say).

I am 39, male, married (my 2nd marriage, her 3rd), a nerd (which to me is a badge of honor), have practiced several martial arts, have a good career, etc.. I'm here because although I know that I won't hurt myself or worse, I'm also tired of the pain and emotional turbulence in my life. Really, really tired. I'm certain that I'm not about to do anything extreme, but I know that I'm not about to fix the problems (as I perceive them) either... and I'm just so f*****g tired of trying to cope and balance and juggle.

For now, I'll just say that a therapist thought (or seemed to think) that I'm a codependent (approx.: doormat-like, which is true of me, as far as I've read), I have some marital problems about which I feel pretty horribly in pain, and that I recognize that they are probably stem from a mix causing them myself, permitting them, and so forth.

Thanks. :)
Thank you everyone.

I'm sorry for not having logged back in sooner. It's just been a busy week. As usual.
I hope that I can help some, and not post anything which I shouldn't (I'll re-read the FAQ a few times, to try to keep within the requirements).

My wife's going out tonight, and might sleep over at his place, so I already feel like s**t.
I'll probably post later. I think. Maybe she won't go out?
I'll be back tonight--and thanks again.
Umm, thanks.
Actually, a couple of weeks back she'd texted to ask if I'd mind if she met this new guy Pl for coffee (he's the same guy the whole time since then, so far), and I'd still had my phone on silent from work, so I didn't see the text for an hour, and she'd gone anyway (I know me, and I wouldn't have wanted her to, but I'd've said to go ahead), and the next day they had a hiking date and they f****d 'til a couple of hours after I'd gotten home and found that she was still out with him. I told her that night that I gave p, and there were no more rules, that she could do whatever she wanted with whomever whenever she wanted.
Long story short: we've been arguing as usual, and saying sorry, and the rest of the usual cycle, so last night she said (yet again) that she wants rules (even though I swear that she keeps breaking them, but then we talk, and it's always some misunderstanding or something, but I don't see how, but then I don't care, and I love her.... and/and/and, y'know?), so I started to Yahoo I.M. (we're married and live together, but she's better at talking about things in chat, and I've picked up the same habit) a quick sketch of things, but she started first and asked about her date tonight and if it's ok if she sleeps over at his place [apparently he had asked just then, so she couldn't have given me an earlier heads-up]), and we chatted and talked 'til 12:58, and when I was going to get to what I'd been going to say, she said that she'd thought that we'd already covered it and I felt totally shut-down and shut-out and shut-up, so I just typed "nevermind" (well, ok: I actually typoed it), and we went to bed maybe 30-40 min. later (I stared at the sheets for 35 min, went for a smoke, and turned on NetFlix; I couldn't sleep 'til 6:05 this morning), and then today started with an I.M. from her about something I'd said yesterday (she'd given a hypothetical about going for a week to a vacation spot, and I'd said to go ahead and watch me change the locks on the house [OMG, yes: I actually said that?!? That's neither me to actually do such a thing, nor even me to even just say such a thing!]), and since then we've argued and she threw a bowl of cat food at me (because I'd said that she's not poly and it's always "guess who the new guy is", and she said that I think that she's a sl*t), and we've made up and before she left this evening at 7:24, she asked what not to do, so I told her what I really-really don't want her to do, ...and I guess that that's about it...
Now I'm just all hyper and jittery and nervous, and feel like complete sh*t. I'm not suicidal, and not thinking about it (though I was thinking about it this afternoon while we'd gone back to chatting after the argument), but I know how I'll feel later tonight, especially if she does stay there overnight.
I mean, yes, she asked me this evening if she were staying there tonight, and I'd said that part of me wants to say "No!", and that part of me wants to say to go ahead, but that mostly I just want to find a hole in time and hide there. So she kept getting things together for the night and said that if I don't tell her not to then I can't complain if she does (I did say that that's not entirely true). But even so, I still know that I'll eventually have to either go to bed alone (unless she comes home), or sit here all night letting it all just drift through my head and trying not to hurt or be angry, or go out for coffee and ignore a book and still have to come home to an empty house and have to decide to come in or sit in the car all night.

Sorry about the long winded whining.
I do appreciate your hopes though--I really do. It means a lot sometimes to hear that, when you need to head it. (And yes, I know that my problems are almost entirely of my own devise: either I can fix whatever the problem is, or I should accept that the problem's my fault for not dealing with it, but it's not as easy to do as it is to know, and it still hurts in the meantime--doubly so, when you know that it's your own fault for not doing anything about it.)


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My ex did the same thing to me..She even brought the guy home with her while I was sleeping..She started staying away for a night then two nights then a week, and so on and so on..I packed my shit and was almost done when she came home and begged me to let her explain.. She said she was on the psych ward for ODing.. I told her it was to late that I had made up my mind.. I forgot I gave her a check for $18,000 to put in our account so she ripped me off on that..My best advice is that if she doesn't quit now then I would end it with her..All she is doing is dragging your heart around in the dirt..
I do not understand your relationship...it sounds like both of you are both in and out of it...and I do not understand accepting your wife being with another person...I hope you see you deserve to be loved and cared for...and to have a say in what happens...both persons in an intimate relationship deserve that...J
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