Discussion in 'Welcome' started by TommyTwinCams, Oct 14, 2012.

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  1. TommyTwinCams

    TommyTwinCams Member

    Obviously my name is Tommy. I'm a 22 year old car enthusiast and I'm openly gay.

    I had a semi-suicide attempt in 2009 (stopped at the last second. Long story.), and tried dealing with things since. I came here hoping my experience may stop someone else from doing similar.

    My story, isn't entirely bullying, but the fact my life basically fell apart. Bullying was involved to a small degree. I graduated high school in June, 2007. My parents had made me take a year off after high school as a break from studying. In December, 2007, just a week or so before my birthday, I lost my maternal grandmother. This was what seemed to start everything else rolling. In February 2008, I lost a great Aunt. Throughout the first half of 2008, my mother was in and out of the hospital for numerous reasons. On June 4, 2008, after 4 continuous days in the hospital, my family and I pulled the life support and I watched my mother die at 6:33 PM on June 4, 2008, knowing nothing I could do would save her. I was extremely close to my mother. I was destroyed, but the bad luck kept coming. November 2008, My sister lost custody of her 2 children to DCF after being unable to make it to a court case due to being involved in a car accident. January 2009, I lost 2 uncles in a single week. May, 2009, my family dog I grew up with died. In January 2009, I had come out of the closet as bisexual (halfway in denial at the time) and started dating my first boyfriend. He was emotionally abusive, nitpicking everything I did, and even my own insecurities about my body, harping on them. About a month after he cheated on me because I wouldn't put out, I had my semi-suicide attempt. Surviving that, I dumped him in June 2009. In October 2009, my paternal grandmother died leaving me with no living grandparents (both my grandfathers having died when I was extremely young (paternal) or before I was born (maternal)). despite this, my aunt, who had formed a friendship with my ex-boyfriend, asked both my ex-boyfriend and myself to be pall-bearers at the funeral. Mind you, my paternal grandmother had said horrible things to me that still haunt me. Insults were flung, feelings were hurt, and nobody's apologized. In June of 2010, my older sister died (overdose of inhalants). She was 36 and I was extremely close to her. I fell into an even deeper depression I have only recently started to get out of, having started Therapy this past January. In 2011, I had finally gone to school for automotive mechanics, having become mentally stable enough to handle studying. I graduated this past April. I came fully out of the closet as gay this past June.

    My life is starting to turn around now, but I'm still dealing with things. My aunt (the same one who invited my ex to my grandmother's funeral) recently (as in last month) attempted suicide after her boyfriend left her for being a ... well I can't say that word here. Despite the fact she had ALWAYS been horrible to me, heaping on insults and generally trusting anyone but me even though I'd never done anything wrong, I visited her in the hospital. When I offered support, having been in a similar frame of mind at one point, she heaped on insults calling me a "piece of shit", and then asked me to fix her car. After hearing that, I told her no. She then criticized my father's parenting style, calling me ungrateful, mean, cynical (I'll agree with cynical), and not knowing the value of a dollar (Even though I've had 3 jobs in the past 5 years and she's had none). We asked for an apology when she asked for help with her bills later that week. Upon hearing her say "I'd rather watch this house fall down around me than apologize." we told her she wasn't getting any financial help from us until she apologized. She's called us twice since then asking for money, but still refusing to apologize.

    Life is an emotional roller coaster too exciting to miss. You just have to take each turn and loop as they come along.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good for you hun setting boundaries with that aunt NO way should you give her anything until you get respect hun. I am so sorry all the suffering you have been through but i am glad hun you were able to push through them and get back into school to get your mechanical license You stay clear of people like your aunt ok you surround yourself with kindness and people who are kind at heart Let her deal with herself Hugs to you
  3. TommyTwinCams

    TommyTwinCams Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm not gonna lie, I do still have a lot of issues that need sorting out. I recently quit my job and was just denied another (though I did get a letter of recommendation out of it). I'm currently single and have been for almost 2 years now. It sucks. I always feel ugly and that no one wants me. I know it isn't true, but I can't help feeling that way. I just want to feel loved and it is something I'm just not getting. Yes, I do still live with my father and we were forced to become closer through everything, but he's still extremely stoic and hard to talk to. I have many people accuse me of using my father but given my situation and that he's all I have left, you'd have a hard time leaving too, wouldn't you?

    I also own 2 cars, my daily driver is a 2004 Saturn Ion coupe with a manual transmission. My other car I inherited when my mother passed. The car was her baby and is a 1995 Chevrolet Monte Carlo Z34. Before she passed, she asked me to return it to it's former glory, which is a task in and of itself since the rare engine needs to be rebuilt, and it needs LOTS of bodywork. I'm trying to restore the car in her memory, but it sometimes just feels like a lost cause.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...with all you have been through, it is no wonder you feel depressed...much of that sounds like grieving, which takes so much time and for which you had no time to go through one loss before another one...please know that if you feel that counseling to get through some of this hurt would be helpful, for you to go get what you need...you are a good person who deserves to be happy...and an honest one (especially your understanding that sometimes bisexuality is 50% non acceptance)...please know your worth and get what you need to make space for happiness...and keep posting...welcome again
  5. scromlette

    scromlette Member


    Maybe the fact that the car seems like such a lost cause is because of how much time has to go into it. But if that is the case, try looking at it as more time spent with your mom.When you are working on it, I'm sure you have her in your mind, maybe do you even feel a deeper connection to her? Try to relish this time, as seemingly long and arduous it might be to restore, as more time with her.

    I say this, because it's the same exact thing I've had to express to my brother. His father, my stepfather, passed 2 years ago. He was a mechanic and taught my brother everything he knows about cars and sport bikes. My brother wasn't passionate about those things when my father was alive, but since his death he has been enthralled with the craft. He gets frustrated at times, and thinks about throwing in the towel on it, but he remembers dad and feels like he is still there when he is working on a car.

    I applaud you for taking a stance with your aunt. It does sound like she has some issues of her own that may need to be worked out. Don't let her issues become yours or drag you down further. It sounds like you have been through so much, and yet you are strong and brave to keep going on. Plus, you recognize that there are things that need to be worked out, and I commend you for being able to see that and taking steps toward it. Some people can't see that much, and are never able to realize or ask for help that might be needed.

    I hope, Tommy, that you get what it is you need. :D
  6. TommyTwinCams

    TommyTwinCams Member

    Thanks again for the warm welcome.

    I am in therapy, and my therapist says I'm doing great and that she'd no longer call me depressed. But I still have issues to work on, like the cynicism I gained as a defense mechanism against my Aunt. After losing so many people close to me, it became my biggest fear, so I use sarcasm and cynicism to keep people away (to great effect BTW) so they wouldn't get close enough for me to be destroyed when I lost them. I also have some body image issues which need working out. My therapist says that I use my intelligence to hide behind labels and words to keep people away.
    For those unsure of what cynicism is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynicism_(contemporary)

    As for the car, it's really just that working on it is a pain in the ass compared to just about every other car I've worked on, my Saturn included. To elaborate, replacing an alternator on most cars (like my Saturn) takes 30 minutes. Replacing an alternator on that Chevy takes 8 hours. And I need to replace the heads. And one of the doors. Then some fiberglass work on the rear lip spoiler. I wanna get a plaque on the engine's fuel rail cover (right above where it says "3.4L DOHC V6") that says "In memory of Sandra A. Dattolo".
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2012
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