Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Wildhope, Oct 17, 2012.

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  1. Wildhope

    Wildhope Member

    My name is Jon. I'm 21 years old and I've been depressed since I was 15 years old. I'm just so fed up with my life. I don't like the way I look. I hate the color of my skin. I hate my face. I'm ugly. I've been struggling with depression for so long it just feels normal to me at this point. I don't feel happy but I'm so used to it I'm just numb. I've been in therapy for over two years and it hasn't helped very much. I recently tried anti-depressants and I had a bad allergic reaction and I don't want to try them again. My parents don't understand and make me feel guilty about my depression because there are people in the world experiencing worst things and I should just get over it. My life just seems so pointless. If I were to die no one would care. I know people think suicide is selfish but I think it's equally as selfish to ask someone to live through their suffering to make others feel better. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is getting better and my life is pointless. I'm just so fed up with everything. People say things are going to get better but they are not and if they do my life still wouldn't be the way that I want it to be. Nothing is going right in my life. My grades are dropping. My hair is falling out and I'm weak all the time. My parents are become more and more annoying. It seems to get worse day after day. I really dont' want to be here anymore. What's even more pathetic in my mind is that even if I wanted to kill myself rightn ow I couldn't because I don't have any way of doing it and I'm not a big fan of pain. I wanted to overdose but the pills are have not lethal even at high over dosages I would still live so its rather pointless. I was honestly thinking about walking in front of a car or something. I just wanted someplace to voice my thoughts without judgement so I figured I would try posting on here. If anyone reads this, thank you for reading! Sorry for the poor sentence structure and grammar as well. Have a nice day!
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi Jon, welcome to SF. I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much, and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I hope you don't hurt yourself, and that posting on here will help.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome and so glad you found us...here you can say as you feel as many of us do understand what you are going through...and I hope you can talk to your therapist and tell him/her what you need and what you want to get out of therapy...welcome again and keep posting
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Jon, glad you have found SF hun :hug: I understand being depressed since 15 - that's when mine started too - so much I couldn't understand and too much pressure with not enough resources. However, I'm now 57, and so.......it is possible to live through these seasons, even if they do not resolve the way we would have wanted. I know there is far more idealism out there today for the young, and it is common to become depressed when the reality doesn't match up. However, it does not need to be the end of the story or a permanent condition hun.

    Please PM me anytime - there are resources to discover and help to be had, most definitely. The counsellor/mentor I've been helped by has written a manual for youth - I've got it on my computer and there are probably ideas in it there for you :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jon welcome to SF hun you keep writing ok keep reaching out here soon you will see you wont feel so alone anymore hugs
  6. Wildhope

    Wildhope Member

    Thanks for responding!! I look forward to posting more and getting to know everyone!
  7. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Jon, you sound quite a bit like myself. I too have suffered from my early teens and have what is known as major depressive disorder. It sounds like you might suffer from somthing similar. Let me tell you my story and explain why you must seek help. I HATED high school. I began to become withdrawn around age 12 or 13 but it wasn't too bad. Around 14 I moved and the depression really kicked in. I was super anxious and unhappy in my new town. In addition one of my old bullies who I thought I'd escaped showed up my first day of high school, at my new high school! I had just moved to a new town and there was that same face. He left me alone but it didn't matter. I was sick and didn't know why, I do now. I had a hard time with my weight and had no more excitement for anything. i talked to no one and women forget it, I was terrified of them! Yet I so desperately wanted one to be close with. But I couldn't talk to them and I was a fat grungy guy in flannel that they wouldn't want. My only escape was music and my friendship with my brother. Anyways I survived high school and even got a girl and met some cool friends. College was much better and even though I still suffered from anxiety/depression. I started to feel the depression creeping back in more over the last few years even though nothing really bad happened. Though my life wasnt going anywhere, I'd lost my girlfriend I still liked my job and couldnt think of anything really wrong. Well it was. It's called a lack of serotonin in the brain and I needed medication to fix it but didnt know how to ask for help. Its a straight up medical illness like diabetes. See but I was so used to keeping it all in and ignoring my depression or living with it that when I started having suicidal fantasies I told no one. This went on for a while and then I stopped sleeping at night and that was the last straw. One night when everyone was asleep in my house I went and attempted to end my life. It almost worked too! I did not believe things would get better and was sleep deprived and I finally had enough. I was rushed to an emergency room and almost died. This was six months ago, I am 25 btw. I always said suicide was for losers and was not for me but there I was laying on a freaking slab in a hospital half dead with all my family waiting outside. When they came in and I saw their faces it destroyed me and I vowed to never do that to them again. My brother with tears in his eyes looked at me and said I can't go on without you. So I said to myself screw my friends and ex girlfriends, they all abandoned me or were never real friends to begin with. But my family MY FAMILY, I vowed I would never do this again to them. I don't know what your relationship with your family is but I'm sure some of them really love you. Let me tell you if you killed yourself it would absolutely destroy them. And if you survive let me tell you it is no picnic. I was humiliated beyond belief, how could I do this? Try going back to work after trying to kill yourself, I did and lemme tell ya it was hard as hell. Luckily I got to see who my true friends were as a lot of my coworkers came to my side and have supported my return. But you still have that suicide stigma, its with you forever. I'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of my life but I absolutely regret it every single day. For months afterwards I would wake up and say to myself this didn't happen, this didn't happen, then Id get up and have to face the fact that it did. One key point here to stress is that I too feared antidepresants, and had some bad reactions. but you can find the right one and they can really really help! They arent a cure and I still wish I was dead somedays but the meds help correct the lack of serotonin and other imbalances that lead one to attempt suicide. A good doctor can help you find the right medicine, which if you have been suffering for years it sounds like you really need it. Don't make the mistake I made and push it off. Talk to a doctor and try something. Theres tons of different medications, and they don't all work but, but one of them will and I can say that they have saved my life and if I had tried them sooner I NEVER would have tried what I did. I can't say I'm happy where my life is right now. I'm humiliated and alienated from old friends and more distant relatives. I am lonely and feel I will never find a girl or live independently from my family. I still hate the world but no way am I gonna give up again, and in part that is due to my antidepressant. Despite all this Im not that miserable anymore I even smile and laugh now because my imbalance had been corrected. It's a shame I had to put myself and my family through so much pain before I got help. Please find help and please PM me if you want I'd love to hear from you
  8. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I mean hey man if worse comes to worse and NO antidepresants work theres always pot or alcohol or smoking. I'm not telling you to do them but if it stops you from attempting suicide then by god do it. I am sure a doctor could find a med that would work for you theres TONS of them anyways. Im just saying jsut cuz you had a bad experience with an antidepressant does not mean none will work. That was my attitude and I was wrong wrong wrong.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Big M for sharing your story with us - am very touched by it..... part of my issue was sleep deprivation (that came about through worry about something else though) and part of my rehab has included 5HTP - a natural serotonin balancer that helps just as you describe, and also helps with the sleeping. It worked so well I don't need to take it any more, but I swear by it as being better than Prozac - it is herbal, natural and non-addictive. I'd recommend anyone struggling with depression or sleep disturbance to give it a try - it can only do you good!

    So glad you are still here Big M - and are coming to terms with life with all its imperfections and stresses. SF is a wonderful place to help get help and support from peers - it's much more caring and genuine than anything else you will meet, short of family. Am so glad you get such great support from them as well :)
  10. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Thank you urprecious, I am trying everyday to deal with what happened to me and I'm starting to see what a great resource this site is. I appreciate the kind words and the medical tips too. Nice to meet you!
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes Big M - it does seem to be a daily thing, doesn't it? It is the same for me..... but I know what it IS now! And that makes all the difference and makes the load easier to carry, knowing what it is. It's what we don't know that brings us down. :) It is/has been part of our life's journey towards wholeness. That might sound strange if we look inside and just see (things that resemble) disintegration - BUT, we must not allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking that is all that there is in there.... there is also the will to get better and make our minds into our best friends that don't beat up on us!
  12. lilodian4ever

    lilodian4ever Account Closed

    Hi Jon,

    I'm so sorry for you pal. Listen, you are EXACTLY 100% right about selfishness (others wanting you to stay). You are also EXACTLY 100% right about your parents not knowing what to do - comparing your depression to others experiencing "worse" things. There ARE NO WORSE THINGS for someone who is depressed, like us.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry>

    I'm coping with alcohol and sleeping pills and anxiety meds. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be around, either.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2012
  13. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Yeah Precious, I have a lot of work to do as far as thinking positively. For years negativity was so ingrained in me its difficult to break the habit.
  14. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Jon, I can tell you that I chose just about THE most deadly way to kill yourself and survived. It was supposed to "gurantee" me no pain and boy did it hurt. I know what lilodian is saying at it is selfish for others to want you to stay but at the same time like I said be prepared to DESTROY lives with your death.
  15. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    And frankly I don't care if most of my friends are angry at me for attempting it, its more that its really really cruel thing to do to your family, you know the people who really care about you. Tell them about your suicidal feelings and I GURANTEE they will change their tune.
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I so agree Big M! That is why SF is so good - because it's like a mirror that reflects back things to us - others' perspectives etc. Negativity is a horrible rut to be in when it isn't at all necessary but just happens to be there by habit. However, the best thing about being human is that it IS possible to learn new perspectives that can integrate the old. This is what I am learning now, and it's changing me into something very different who I like a lot more - and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with liking ourselves :)
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