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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ginestra, Jan 21, 2013.

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  1. Ginestra

    Ginestra New Member

    It feels really strange to have signed up. I have already tried to get some kind of solace from the internet–help always went beyond my expectations- and failed at it. So I’m actually wondering why I’m here. It's not the first time I've been suicidal, either.
    Recently, the thought has been getting more and more obsessing. I think I would have already done it if I wasn’t so stupidly afraid of pain, or afraid of making any mistake and ending up brain damaged and locked up somewhere I can’t try again.
    I haven’t told anybody. People I tried to talk with in the past never took me that seriously (well, can’t blame them since I’m still alive) and it would suck if that happened again. But it would suck even more if someone did listen to me and I’d be taken to a clinic and the only chance of escaping all of this would be taken from me. So I keep my mouth shut.
    It’s ironic because once I used to think of suicide as a consolation –what’s the need of worrying about anything if you can kill yourself at any moment?- but now it’s becoming more of a sweet temptation. I’m tired of everything.
    I don’t even know why or how I can keep going on. Am I trying not to raise any suspect before I collect the courage? Am I so accustomed to these kind of thoughts that they became part of my everyday life? Or am I just cowardly?
    I don’t know what will be of me in the future. Meanwhile, I would like to hear from other people who are in the same situation.
    (Sorry for the oversize post.)

  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome. It's good that you're trying this, even though you say you have not experienced much success by it before. Never give up, the next time you try something it might be the right time, the right way, the right connection... success. This is a good site and is generally very helpful. The chat area is wonderful as well. Like anything else, there is good and bad things, but if you glean from this the goods (and there is a lot of goods here), then you may discover it to be very helpful. Don't be afraid to open up and reach out. Looking forward to seeing a lot more of you here and/or in chat.
  3. Musician20

    Musician20 New Member

    I feel the same Ginestra. Always signed up, had a read of others posts and decided it would never help me. So like you say, I'm not sure why I'm here either because it feels like no matter what anybody says - I'm always going to feel the same. Noones ever really got how I feel and I'd be told that i was selfish for wanting to end my life so now I say nothing, but yet i still feel guilty!! Everyday I feel like I've had enough, and I guess I have but I just keep plodding along like everythings ok when it clearly isnt. Where do we go from here!
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    " Noones ever really got how I feel" - I'd venture to say that you and the original poster might understand one another. Is that not a good first step?
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think many here get what you are saying and understand what you are feeling hun It can be so lonely when you think you are not being heard We hear you and maybe by knowing you are not so alone the struggle will not be so hard
  6. Musician20

    Musician20 New Member

    Yeah I suppose it is :)
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to both of you, :hug:
  8. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    Yo, Ginestra welcome to SF. Welcome to Musician20 too of course. :kool:

    I think... it's not so much reading other people's posts will help steer your life in the right direction -- but y'know change requires strength from within. *Perseverance. I do understand that suicide can be used as a 'safety net' or something.. I've been around cyberspace and since I've been alone all my life, it helps to find other like-minded individuals online (even if they're not 100% exactly like me; I accept them anyways). Don't put all your eggs in one basket 'kay? People can disappoint you. People will also surprise you. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

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