Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Elissa1979, Feb 19, 2013.

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  1. Elissa1979

    Elissa1979 New Member

    Hi everyone,

    A little about myself. I'm 33, from England but I live in Italy now. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was in my mid-teens and even attempted twice before I was 22. I got through it with a combination of support and medication. In 2008 I lost my mother to breast cancer, she was my rock and watching helpless while she withered was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially as I had to be strong for my teen-aged brother. Since her death I have struggled to cope. I bottomed out of a great job and decided to retrain as an ESL teacher, running away to China to throw myself in to a new life. I was horribly homesick there and last year came back to Europe to continue teaching but be closer to home. However upon my first visit home for 2 years (last Christmas) I discovered my father has a new woman in his life, who I don't get on with and it led to a massive falling out between us where he made it clear I was no longer welcome in the house. My friends, wonderful though they are, have moved on and gotten new lives that I just can't/don't feel a part of, no matter how inclusive they were, I just don't feel I belong there anymore. My life in Italy is nice, but very stressful and I am constantly worried about making my class targets so that I have a job after June. I don't get on with the other teachers that well; they're all quite 'well-to-do' and we don't share many interests. I feel incredibly alone and recently I'm scared at how much I've considered ending it all. I don't really feel there is a place for me and the only thing that stops me is not wanting to hurt my little brother, who has already been through so much at such a young age. I can't visit a doctor here as my Italian is not very good and I wouldn't want any of the teachers at school to translate for me as I don't want them knowing how I feel. It's all just getting too much and I don't think I can cope for much longer. I don't want to leave the house and I feel like screaming or crying most of the time. I have to avoid alcohol (very difficult in Italy) as I end up drinking far too much and sitting in my bedroom wondering if I have enough <edit mod total eclipse method> or if I could brave a <edit mod method> I know this is not good, so I avoid going out, but that is just isolating me more and more. I really don't know what to do anymore.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Elissa hard when one feels so islolated i get that hun. I am glad you are reaching out here so now y ou know you are not so alone ok. You keep talking to us you go to chat post and meet new friends here. Your brother will always need you hun and hold on to his love ok for you. Have you talked to a councillor at your school hun they can give you support as well Talk to your doctor see w hat can be done to help lift the depression and those thoughts
    One day at a time ok hun just take an hour at a time and get through it Hugs
  3. Elissa1979

    Elissa1979 New Member

    I'd love to see a counselor, but it's a private school we don't have things like that... And if we did I'd be too worried my co-workers would find out somehow. I'm just so tired of putting on a fake smile.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hi Elissa - it sounds like a long road you have been on. Please keep posting and reading here and if you feel like it consider stopping by chat for more real time discussion. It may help some with the isolation and no worries of anybody being surprised by your thoughts or feelings.

    A couple small ideas for you to consider. Having lived 5 years in Italy I am fairly certain finding a Dr that speaks English will not be an issue- it may not be their first choice but Doctors as a rule care about people and 90+% of them will be able to converse more than adequately in English when they find/if they find your Italian is insufficient for proper treatment or diagnosis. They will make th eextra effort for you or find one that can.

    In reference to your father- it appears that the disconnect is having a bad effect on you. It will undoubtedly be difficult for you to accept the situation but making it politely cordial at a minimum may not be out of reach if you chose. A simple post card saying you are doing okay and hope him (and if it is acceptable in your conscience to do so) his new person are doing well may go a long way to rebuilding bridges. At the least you get to know you were the adult and extended the olive branch to absolve any feeling you might have about the current situation.

    Take Care and be Safe

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