Hi everyone, A little about myself. I'm 33, from England but I live in Italy now. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was in my mid-teens and even attempted twice before I was 22. I got through it with a combination of support and medication. In 2008 I lost my mother to breast cancer, she was my rock and watching helpless while she withered was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially as I had to be strong for my teen-aged brother. Since her death I have struggled to cope. I bottomed out of a great job and decided to retrain as an ESL teacher, running away to China to throw myself in to a new life. I was horribly homesick there and last year came back to Europe to continue teaching but be closer to home. However upon my first visit home for 2 years (last Christmas) I discovered my father has a new woman in his life, who I don't get on with and it led to a massive falling out between us where he made it clear I was no longer welcome in the house. My friends, wonderful though they are, have moved on and gotten new lives that I just can't/don't feel a part of, no matter how inclusive they were, I just don't feel I belong there anymore. My life in Italy is nice, but very stressful and I am constantly worried about making my class targets so that I have a job after June. I don't get on with the other teachers that well; they're all quite 'well-to-do' and we don't share many interests. I feel incredibly alone and recently I'm scared at how much I've considered ending it all. I don't really feel there is a place for me and the only thing that stops me is not wanting to hurt my little brother, who has already been through so much at such a young age. I can't visit a doctor here as my Italian is not very good and I wouldn't want any of the teachers at school to translate for me as I don't want them knowing how I feel. It's all just getting too much and I don't think I can cope for much longer. I don't want to leave the house and I feel like screaming or crying most of the time. I have to avoid alcohol (very difficult in Italy) as I end up drinking far too much and sitting in my bedroom wondering if I have enough <edit mod total eclipse method> or if I could brave a <edit mod method> I know this is not good, so I avoid going out, but that is just isolating me more and more. I really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read this.