Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jgh7, Feb 24, 2013.

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  1. jgh7

    jgh7 New Member

    Hi. I'm 26. I've been depressed for the majority of my life. I believe it stems from my social anxiety. I've thought about suicide a lot. I don't think I'm the kind of person who would attempt it in the sense of we'll see if I die or not. I'll either go through with it or not. The main thing that holds me back is my fear of death. I imagine that's what holds most of us back. Worst case scenario I get sent to a fiery place of torture. Best case, some place better place than this. Neutral case, I'll cease to exist. The problem is that even in the best case scenario I'm still stuck as me. My depression doesn't stem from being wronged in life. Desiring to cease to exist for me is the equivalent to acknowledging that I dislike to the core who I am, and that I don't have the strength to change the part of myself that causes depression, or maybe there really is no change that would fix me. Ultimately I am my source of depression and not the world around me. If things keep up the way they are, there will come a time when my fear of death disappears. It will be nullified by the dislike of myself and existence.

    My depression has gotten worse recently. I'm kind of a logical person, I rationalize my thought process a lot. I'm worried because my mind feels like it's in the process of checking out. I'll be on here and we'll see how things go.
  2. The_8th_Wonder

    The_8th_Wonder senior Member

    Hi jgh7 :). Welcome to the forum. I can relate a lot with you I have severe social anxiety as well. There are some meds that are supposedly approved to help and I believe they have helped me a little bit. I hope you find this forum helpful. Feel free to message me anytime :).
  3. HannahLuv

    HannahLuv Member

    I too have a big problem with social anxiety, I usually have to give myself a sports-movie level pep talk just to run to the store.
    One thing I've found helps is just pretending I'm someone else. I work in fast-food, so I work with people a lot. I noticed that I just pretend I really am a perky functional person and it gets me through the day without much of a problem, so I've been trying to do the same thing outside of work.

    The only problem is I can't fool myself when I'm alone, especially at night. Honestly, it's mostly guilt that keeps me from suicide. My mom's got issues with depression too, and I know the guilt would kill her.

    Anyhoo...just know you're not alone, please.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi jgh7 nice to meet you Hope you continue to reach out here hun lots of kind people here hugs
  5. jgh7

    jgh7 New Member

    Thanks for all your kind words. I should clarify my sentence where I said I'll either go through with it or not, rather than I would "attempt" it. I said this because I live on the penthouse of a 26 story high-rise with my mom. At any given second, it's so simple, and of all the ways to go it's the most peaceful to me. I don't know what to do. I've been out on the ledge a few times in the past. The urge isn't going away. I get the feeling that I don't want it to go away. I want it to become greater so I can be over and done with all of this.
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