Hello

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Thorn_bird, Apr 14, 2013.

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  1. Thorn_bird

    Thorn_bird Member

    Hello to anyone out there who might read this. I've never been very good at introductions so I might as well just jump right into what brought me to this website.

    I've been contemplating suicide on and off for about 14 years, and seriously for the last 18 months. It's been a combination of things that have led me to this point, starting with my parents' divorce when I was 13. I have recently gone through a Ch. 7 bankruptcy as well and I truly feel like I cause more trouble and worry to my family by being alive versus the alternative. I haven't been happy in a very, very long time and I don't know how much longer I can live like this.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello Thorn_bird

    Welcome to SF! I'm sorry that you have struggled for so long with depression, I hope you find all the support you are looking for here :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI Thorn-bird nice to meet you. Things can turn around hun they can bankruptcy not the end hun but a new chance to start over Your family would suffer so much pain hun if you left. Keep reaching out for support here ok hun Keep talking it helps hugs
     
  4. Thorn_bird

    Thorn_bird Member

    Thank you Butterfly and total eclipse-having somewhere to vent my feelings and know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling helps a lot. I've tried to so hard to overcome my feelings and have tried to seek professional help in the past, but all of the doctors/therapists I've seen so far have either cost too much even with my insurance (which is pretty good), or they've all told me I'm overreacting about everything and to just try harder. But I've been trying for over a decade and it's gotten to the point where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I also feel extremely alone and isolated most of the time-my family doesn't live in the same city I do and I have no significant other or close friends in the picture. I also hate the fact that I am not as financially stable as I could be and still have to ask for my parents' help when it should be me supporting them. My older sister's constant criticism of my bankruptcy and constant lecturing doesn't help matters either.

    I've even begun to plan out how and when I would do it. My apartment lease is up in mid-October and I would have sufficient life insurance to cover any medical/funeral expenses that my family would incur. I know they would be sad if I went but I just can't get the idea out of my head that this would be for the best.
     
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    welcome to the sf board x
     
  6. Snake

    Snake Well-Known Member

    Your therapist told you that you were overeacting? I'd would've wrecked that guy/gal right there if he/she ever pulled that crap on me.
    Have they experienced what you've been going through? sure, they may have read lots of books about your "condition" (every human being is different, you can't just classify someone as something) but they don't know what you've personally gone through.

    Do your parents love you? all I know is that they're divorced, does that mean they divorced from you too? I've read lots of stories of parents that neglect their childs, that don't love them. If your parents still love you, then it doesn't matter that they still financially support you, and you wouldn't be an embarrasment to them. I know, because my parents still support me and my brother (although my brother had a "stable" financial situation a few months ago). I know it's hard, I want to financially support my parents too, but I also know that one day, maybe tomorrow or maybe in ten years, I'll be able to support them.
    All I can give them now is love, and I think you should do the same, and if you want to support them that means you love them.
    So give them that in the mean time: love, don't throw away your life, you'll be killing them if you do that.

    Oh, and don't listen to your sisters, unless she really tells you something that may help you.
    You want to save money? stop seeing those useless therapists, my father always told me that on his work area, a lot of people arrived freshly out of college and started bossing him around, only to come back a few moments later asking for advice on how to do this and that, and my father would always help them find an answer. My father by the way, only has a high school diploma, and some diplomas he obtained in some short courses.
    People here are more experienced on the stuff you've gone through and can give you better advice, because some of them have gone through the same stuff you're going through. Some had it easy, and some had even rougher than you.

    I'll be here to read what you have to say, I may not always reply back but I'll still read, and so will a bunch of people here, I'm sure of it. Maybe you can become friends with somebody here, that always helps.
     
  7. Thorn_bird

    Thorn_bird Member

    Hello skinnylove911; thank you for the welcome. Snake, you make a lot of excellent points-I gave up on therapists a while ago. I know my parents love me, but when they were divorcing it was pretty ugly because I was the one caught in the middle of it all (my sister had already turned eighteen by then and so wasn't affected by it in the same way that I was). I think part of the reason I feel so guilty/ashamed is that my mother has a chronicle illness and she should be the last person giving me money (I had to ask her for help only yesterday). Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better but so far it hasn't happened yet. I won't be able to pay my parents back for all of the times they've helped me out, even though they say I don't have to pay them back.

    Sorry if it sounds like I'm whining-I just honestly feel that I'll never be happy and free of worrying about money. No matter what I do or how hard I try it's never good enough and constantly feeling like this 24/7 is slowly starting to drive me crazy. I'm almost certain I'm clinically depressed and have been for many years but I've been unable to find a doctor/therapist that is actually willing to sit down and listen to me. Plus I don't have money to pay for medication even with my insurance-the copays add up fast.
     
  8. elevatorpass

    elevatorpass Active Member

    money should never be a reason for suicide mate .. I've been as poor as a church mouse with a big bill for cheese all my life...
    I struggle through.. give it all more thought try to talk to your family even if they are far away..

    good luck and try to keep posting and moan as much as you want... it all gets it out...
     
  9. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    Hi there Thorn_bird,

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find it a very helpful and useful site for you.

    Endeavour (Also known as Pinky) :)
     
  10. Thorn_bird

    Thorn_bird Member

    Thank you, elevatorpass and Endeavor (love that username, btw). I know I should try to keep going, but I've been trying for years and I don't think I can keep going one more year.
     
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