I am 42 years of age and am struggling with very severe depression. I have suffered depression in the past, but not quite like this. I even went to Kenya for 2 years to be cared for by my dear loving sister (an ex pat), but ended up depressed there and received medication from Kenyan doctors which did not work and here I am, back in the UK, depressed, burned all my friends' patience out with my negativeness. No family in the UK. No partner. Nobody. I sit in my room ALL day and night, and only leave the room for the odd cigarette or to eat something (25p cheap noodles as I am claiming unemployment benefits) - Totally unemployable due to drink driving conviction on my driving licence, (I used to be a successful car valeter) and my appearence. I wear the same clothes, day in, day out. My brother in Monaco recently paid for me to visit him and his wife over there for a week, and since I returned from this trip my depression has gone through the roof, to the point of admitting myself into hospital with awful thoughts of ending my life. They simply told me to see my G.P, and as it was a bank holiday weekend, this was impossible. I just don't know what I can do anymore to get out of this abyss that i've found myself in. This is my last stab at trying to get well again - as I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. Anyone thinking I am just a fat waster who sits in a chair moaning to the internet would be very wrong. I have 2 grown up daughters and 2 granddaughters whom I love dearly from afar. I just cannot involve them in my feelings, therefore they both just think that I do not care about them, and I have very limited contact with either. I am so sad. My only friend left is my toy stuffed penguin Colin, who I have had for years and years. The amount of tears he has soaked up over the years would amount to gallons. I am not a criminal - or a scrounger - or a bad person in any way. I just feel that there is absolutely no point in my life anymore, and I have stopped caring. I would say six years ago I was a totally different person. Normal relationship. Normal employment. Friends. A car. A recording studio. Everything I would ever want. But I have slowly slipped away from normal life and lost these things one by one. I now am at this point where I am searching for suicide forums, and I found this one. I'm not even sure that my post will be allowed. But i'm more than desperate.