Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AllMyDreamsAreGone, May 28, 2013.

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  1. I am 42 years of age and am struggling with very severe depression. I have suffered depression in the past, but not quite like this. I even went to Kenya for 2 years to be cared for by my dear loving sister (an ex pat), but ended up depressed there and received medication from Kenyan doctors which did not work and here I am, back in the UK, depressed, burned all my friends' patience out with my negativeness. No family in the UK. No partner. Nobody. I sit in my room ALL day and night, and only leave the room for the odd cigarette or to eat something (25p cheap noodles as I am claiming unemployment benefits) - Totally unemployable due to drink driving conviction on my driving licence, (I used to be a successful car valeter) and my appearence. I wear the same clothes, day in, day out. My brother in Monaco recently paid for me to visit him and his wife over there for a week, and since I returned from this trip my depression has gone through the roof, to the point of admitting myself into hospital with awful thoughts of ending my life. They simply told me to see my G.P, and as it was a bank holiday weekend, this was impossible. I just don't know what I can do anymore to get out of this abyss that i've found myself in. This is my last stab at trying to get well again - as I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. Anyone thinking I am just a fat waster who sits in a chair moaning to the internet would be very wrong. I have 2 grown up daughters and 2 granddaughters whom I love dearly from afar. I just cannot involve them in my feelings, therefore they both just think that I do not care about them, and I have very limited contact with either. I am so sad. My only friend left is my toy stuffed penguin Colin, who I have had for years and years. The amount of tears he has soaked up over the years would amount to gallons. I am not a criminal - or a scrounger - or a bad person in any way. I just feel that there is absolutely no point in my life anymore, and I have stopped caring. I would say six years ago I was a totally different person. Normal relationship. Normal employment. Friends. A car. A recording studio. Everything I would ever want. But I have slowly slipped away from normal life and lost these things one by one. I now am at this point where I am searching for suicide forums, and I found this one. I'm not even sure that my post will be allowed. But i'm more than desperate.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun so sorry the hosptial did that to you . You are so sad you need to go back to hosptial and tell them outright you will harm yourself if they do not help you. You call your gp ok get on some meds some therapy to help you. Perhaps sit down write a letter to your daughters letting them know how depressed and hopeless you feel so they can help you find support hun.

    Let them know it is not that you do not care for them just so low you have no energy to fight You can get your life back with support meds therapy hun you can find you again ok
    Good you are talking here keep talking ok hugs

  3. Thank you for your swift reply.
    I am sitting here after visiting my doctor - with a prescription of Mirtazapine - which I was prescribed in Kenya AND the UK before I went away. They didn't work then and I don't see how they will work now. I know they take up to 6 weeks to kick in but in Kenya I was on them for over a YEAR. They did nothing to stop my hopeless thoughts. I know what I am going to say next will probably sound odd - but I do not regard my daughters at all. Never have. Never will. Never wanted children in the first place but their mums got pregnant - not me. Awful thing to say I know, but that is just the way I am. I am concerned about myself and my negative thoughts that are very soon going to tip me over the edge. I just know it. It's so clear to me.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Welcome all my.. Glad you have found us.. Lots of other good ppl here that feel as bad as you..misery may love company.. Is ok to let it out here..

    Do not have any miraculous words of wisdom now..sorry.. I have been on mirtazapine forever and it helps me.. Sorry not for you.. Look around here.. Try to keep talking now that you have started..

    We will listen, Jim
  5. Thanks Jim - It means a lot - It does.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know there's nothing I can say to ease what you're going through, but I just wanted to reply so you know someone's listening and cares. I hope you'll continue to reach out here. Sometimes just finding support or building a connection with people can help you start to pull yourself out of that dark place.
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