Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DuBears, May 29, 2013.

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  1. DuBears

    DuBears New Member

    Forewarning: I don't know how to start/structure this so it may seem really lengthy and 'all over the place'.

    I am a 19 year old (soon to be 20) male student from Scotland. I first started feeling down when I was about 16. In the Scottish education system, this is when senior school (5th and 6th years of secondary school) starts and the jump from Standard grade exams to Higher/Advanced higher exams is considerable. I did well in my Standard grades and moved up to higher where I struggled and finished the term with very little qualifications. I returned for 6th year as staying on for senior school is optional in Scotland. This time round the blow to my self confidence from my poor performance the year before caused me to study fewer, less challenging (but less rewarding in terms of qualifications) subjects and by the end of this term, again, I was left with little in the way of qualifications and had to leave school with not a clue on what I would do with my life the following year. I begged the school to let me return for one extra year and promised that this would be the year that I turn my life around. They accepted and that school term (August 2011-May 2012) I would say was probably the happiest period of my life!

    A little extra information: The last few weeks of my 6th year, I was rejected by the first girl I ever attempted to ask out and over the summer holidays I gained motivation (and a lot of money from working!) to go back for my extra year at school and try with her again. (I gave up on trying to ask her during this extra year) I was also seeing a therapist throughout my 6th and extra year at school who diagnosed me with Social Anxiety and possible Asperger's syndrome. At first I didn't see why I was put on the Autism spectrum but recently, I have come to realise that I manifest many of the traits or behaviours of someone with Asperger's.

    After I left school for a second time, I applied for a college course (Scottish colleges are the equivalent to American prep colleges I think! :S) and was delighted when I received my exam results from the extra year at school. I quite enjoyed the summer holidays of 2012 and started my college course in August 2012. I almost didn't go to college due to my Social anxiety but looking back, I'm glad that I did as I made huge gains of confidence and have improved academically as well throughout the course. Since Christmas, the workload has increased dramatically at college and the pressure is really piling on. I have had numerous periods of time where I've felt down or thought about suicide since Iwas 16 as mentioned before but since Christmas I have been feeling lower and lower to the point that I'm at now where I'm having suicidal thoughts every day. My exams are in a week as of today and I have not started studying for them yet as I just don't feel like getting out of bed in the mornings to do anything, not just study. I am not even sure if I will turn up at college to sit the exams. I applied for a more advanced level of the course I am studying now but with my attitude towards the coming exams, I really doubt I will be accepted onto the course which puts me in the same situation I was in 2 years ago: What will I do now? Because of my Social Anxiety, I do not like to work with people other than a man I worked with 2 years ago who used to work with troubled children in schools.

    I think this is getting really long now so I will try to round off quickly! I have been reading some of the other entries on this forum and feel that I am just complaining as I have had a very stable life while many of the other members on this forum have been through much harder times than I have such as loss of loved ones or substance abuse while I simply feel down because I worry about my future. What is keeping me going at this moment in time is a girl I met at college. I don't know what came over me but I started talking to her over Facebook, and then at college. We both like each other (confirmed) and I plan to ask her out on Friday. I have never told anyone about any of this until now on here and do not want to tell the girl as it may upset her to know that I don't want to live anymore but at the same time it's frustrating as the at the saddest point in my life, I meet the girl of my dreams and although I want to be with her, I still do not see how simply dating a girl will secure my future so I still have these suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.

    I think that is all I will say for now as I don't like to open up my feelings to others hence why I have never done it up until now but I may talk more if I do not get out of this slump in my life in the near future.

    Many thanks for reading, Euan.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2013
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to sf Euan. Try not to feel overwhelmed as everyone is different. No problems are insignificant. It's worthwhile sticking around to see what the people on this site have to offer in the way of kind words and support.

    Hope all goes well when you meet this girl.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you talked to councilors at your school get support from them see your doctor hun see if you can get on some meds or get some other supports to pull you out of this depression
    Hope you do study hard hun hope you keep your grades up ok this will help you in the future Look after you hun ok all the best with the new girl
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, DuBears. :)
  5. DuBears

    DuBears New Member

    I've been putting off replying to this thread for quite some time now so I'll give a quick update on my situation.

    I never mentioned in my first post but I also quit my job without notifying my employer which was my only source of income. (I'll get back to this in more detail later)

    I went to see the girl that I mentioned in my first post. Since we are both quite shy it was rather awkward but I kind of expected that. I was meaning to ask her out the whole day but with my nerves, I kept on putting it off promising myself I would do it at the end of the day. As I was waiting at the bus stop with her, I started to get really nervous knowing this was my last chance to ask. Right as I was about to ask, I start heaving and then I am sick. (I had food from a dodgy restaurant earlier so it could have been caused by that but I think nerves had a part in it as well) The bus I was going to get on stops for me but obviously I can't get on while all the passengers are watching me. This was horrifically embarassing. I told her that I'd be fine, that she doesn't have to worry and can go home which she does. (I phoned my dad who collected me) Since then I have not spoken to her much and get the impression that she doesn't like me anymore. To make matters worse, I didn't turn up for my exams so that's an entire year at college wasted and an opportunity for valuable qualifications gone. I have let my parents down who did so much to help get me into college and help me with social anxiety. Now I'm back at square one and have no plans for the future nor do I have a source of income. My parents are disappointed in me and I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. I am now at the lowest point I have ever been and think I am nearing my end.

    Again, many thanks for reading, Euan.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I personally think it would be a wise idea to consider reaching out to someone. There is help and support out there of a professional nature, and while academics may have faltered, there's always a chance to return. I'm actually back on a college course myself after losing my job in April, and I've been out of academical learning for 9 years.

    Procrastinating only adds to the nerves. It's ok to be shy, but if you don't do anything, you're not going to get something you want (and then it seems you regret it afterwards).

    And finally, I think you wouldn't be right in thinking it'd be ok to end it. There are people on here who have lost family/friends to the act, and they don't recover in the misconceived way. Your parents would be likely to blame themselves for not being more supportive, but you have a chance to act to prevent it. I'd recommend trying (and fighting) to get some level of therapy, or at least talk with your parents about what is going on. If no-one knows, how can anyone help.
  7. DuBears

    DuBears New Member

    Well I've been doing nothing for the past few weeks due to the depression and anxiety. I sometimes tell myself that I'll get a job and get out of this mess but I'm overwhelmed by thoughts that I won't need the money because I won't be around for much longer. The girl that I was close to told me yesterday that she no longer likes me which has devastated me as she was what has been keeping me going. I find it too difficult to talk to anyone about this. My mum suspected depression and suicidal thoughts after an awkward talk were I hid under my duvet for most of it. She suggested seeking professional help but I keep telling her I don't want help. I am almost sure that the coming week or two may be my last.

    Once again, many thanks for reading, Euan.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Doing nothing gives you time to stew on the thoughts - vicious cycle - often makes the depression worse. You become more susceptible to others forming opinions that you don't like, and maybe that girl in question had noticed a change that made you less likeable?

    Refusing to seek help - is a right that you have as you are 18+, but have you ever considered the full consequences of your actions on others around you? Many in depression think that no-one gives a hoot, when it's likely to be the opposite. No-one knows truly what goes on inside someone's mind but themselves, so how they communicate that is key, as well as finding someone who listens.

    Doing nothing gets nowhere. Things won't change without any substantial efforts. You find it difficult to talk? Write it down. You can do so from behind a computer screen to a bunch of relative strangers (who have similar experiences with thoughts/feelings/anxiety), but the communication is written - maybe you could utilise that and possibly email the samaritans too. Yet I would recommend going through a GP, and being proactive - Life is short enough, should we not look to make the best of the time we have by working past our demons to make life more bearable?
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