i feel really sad and hopeless right now. i used to have dreams of belonging somewhere, anywhere....i have had three boys, one i placed for adoption when i was a teen and two that i lost custody of from post partum psychosis and alcohol abuse. i live alone, im estranged from my family. i recently had my tubes tied because the doctors told me anymore pregnancies the post partum depression will only get worse and i am almost thirty five anyways. i am running out reasons to keep going. i love my children with all my heart and they were my life force but now that they're gone i am drowning....the truth is i was drowning anyways...at least now they are in good places. i wanted to die since i was a child...severe abuse made me have my first attempt at twelve. i have been thru multiple rapes and traumas and beatings......i remember when i was a child i used to stare out my window wanting to play with other kids. .....but i had to stay in my room most of the time while my family was in other rooms pretending i didnt exist. all of my pregnancies i was abandoned....i dont think i've ever really been treated with much kindness in my life. i just want to belong somewhere, to be loved and treated kindly.....i apologize to god all the time because i feel like if i was only good enough....i would be loved. im so alone. i wish i was one of the 'special' ppl with families that love and care for them....families where they belong. sometimes i bargain with god that if he just has a small place for me to rest from the pain that it would be good enough for me. i worry i will be as rejected in heaven as i am on earth. all i ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. i feel like a stray animal who's lil ones have been 'adopted' out but as for me i'm to old and used and just no good. i dont know if im going to make it...please pray for me. thank you all.