Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by paradigmofdeath, Jun 12, 2013.

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  1. paradigmofdeath

    paradigmofdeath New Member

    I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I appreciate the consolation given to me by my friends and by my therapist, and all of you on the forum, but I don't believe that any outside help is going to help me. I'm completely alone in this fight. For the past two months I've been struggling against one of the worst depressions of my life. Each day the thought of suicide becomes more enticing. I used to be happy, now I just wonder what I'm living for. I spend each waking moment terrified that one day I'll succumb to the pain and choose suicide, or worse, that I'll suffer through it endlessly until I become crazy. The only thing I can do is endure. All dreams and ambitions I may have had are meaningless until things improve. I've tried so hard to overcome this disease and yet every time I achieve some small victory it's taken away. Two months ago I was in a relationship. It wasn't a very healthy relationship; she was an addict, I was dealing with my anxiety as usual. Still, despite our problems I loved her very much and thought she was strong enough to kick the habit. She was the first woman I'd truly loved. Two weeks after we parted ways I felt ready to start moving on. We were still keeping in contact and I felt that this was an opportunity for me to grow as an individual so that if we got together again I would be more prepared. Anyway, she overdosed one night and disappeared from my life forever. The pain of her death has numbed somewhat but the depression won't lift. I've started Prozac and after only five days I'm noticing some frightening side effects. It's put a blanket over my mind and improved my ability to shrug off the negative thoughts, but I've been experiencing intense episodes of manic energy where I just want to end it. Today was one of those days. I came very close. It saddens me to say it but I'm losing the fight. I apologize for the length of this post but it's hard to abridge something that's such a huge part of my life.
  2. AscendingTri

    AscendingTri Member

    Hi, Paradigmof life!
    You are still now in the most sharp time of your life after your girlfriend's death. Just stay strong it will disappear one day. Keep on moving and smiling :) If you need to talk just write to me.
    Hugs =)
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your loss and all you have been through but so glad you posted and are with us...did you discuss the side effects of the medication with your doc? Did s/he say what the expected course would be? As you know, there are many meds to chose from today and maybe if this one is not effective, that might be in order...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...many of us can surely relate
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun Please talk to your doctor about the medication ok sounds like not agreeing well with you although an adjustment period is needed before meds level out. The doctor may put you on a different antidepressant with less side effect. Glad you are talking here hun release some of that sadness here ok hugs
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