Hello

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ima.robot, Jul 5, 2013.

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  1. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Hi, Im ravens. I dont really know where to start. I dont have it as bad as many of you do and its really hard for me to imagine the difficulties if I felt suicidal everyday, but everyone needs a little support once and a while. I came here and just felt better seeing that im not alone feeling this way sometimes. BTW I am 21 years old right now.

    The 6 months or so maybe I have had more frequent suicidal thoughts. I mean through the years I would have them once and a blue moon but they have become more frequent lately due to a number of things. There was however one soft attempt to suffocate myself when I was about 11 or 12. Me and my parents had a bad fight and I sort of tried to end it that night(I cant even remember what we were fighting about). This was my only 'attempt'. I feel like I had some problems at this point that I didnt deal with that are coming up now, my insecurites about having social anxiety and not feeling adequate socially. I never was a loner, but have usually only kept a select amount of people to be friends with at one time. It is hard for me to keep a healthy relationship in general, once things go good i sabotage it somehow. I think I have a fear of success and a problems with perfectionism which leads to an all or nothing mentality.

    After that attempt things did get better for a while. I had a couple girlfriends(obv nothing too serious at that age) and I was pretty happy at this point. Then highschool came along and acne did another huge blow to my self esteem especially with girls. Now I was insecure about having social anxiety which got worse once acne came along. Despite the acne and insecurities about that stuff, I actually had a good first 2 years in high school, but I didnt realize this was the start of a spiral downwards. Once I started using drugs it was fun for a while but I didnt see where it was leading me. In grade 9 and 10 like I said were actually pretty fun, I got drunk(prob to deal with SA) like every weekend and went to parties and all that. I also started smoking weed in grade 10 and this is really where the downfall began. It was awesome for a while but eventually me and my friends hung out less and all I wanted to do was get high by myself. By the end of highschool I was smoking weed everyday and the only thing that kept me sane was doing sports a lot. I LOVE sports. They are like a drug to me where it lets me shut off my brain and just live in the moment.

    Then I was headed of to university a year after graduating. I remember saying a month before I started that I would quit weed so I could deal with the hard math classes I would be taking. The thing is, once it came time to quit, its like I literally couldn't. Yes I am a pot addict and yes there is such a thing. The first 2 years of university I spent skipping classes, getting high and doing nothing or sports. I dropped almost all of my classes and wasted a tone of money. This is when my self confidence yet again took another huge blow.

    Earlier this year I had an injury which kept me from doing sports for about 6 months and I have just become useless. Although it is not as painful now I am not sure if I will ever be pain free for sports again :(. I had been trying to quit weed these last 6 months as well and make it 8 weeks at one point but have relapsed 4 times. You see weed was like a safety mask for me. I didnt deal with my insecurities about social anxiety and self esteem when I was younger instead I got high and a large part of my social life revolved around getting high, so now I feel even MORE socially retarded trying to hang around with non smokers. Anytime I got stressed, weed was there to instantly numb me and I could be in the bubble of my own mind ignoring reality. I find it much harder to quit than cigarettes. So I think it is a combo of all of these things that have made me think of suicide more often lately. The issues I ignored when I was younger coming up now that im trying to quit weed(Oh yeah I forgot to say how being a stoner made things worse with girls, I dont hang out with any anymore), the injury, the dropping out of university for a person who could have easily done it with some effort. With all of these thoughts some days I just wish I didnt have to feel or think anymore. Just how it would be nice to sink into nothingness. I dont plan to kill myself though. I still have hope 99% of the time that I can get better, but its like I cant even trust myself anymore. Im going back to uni this year for one last try and have recently quit weed again but in the back of my mind its thinking about how my past attempts failed at school and everything else. I know I have a lot of potential though, I know its in there. I used to live up to that before I became a stoner fuck up.

    I am going to do my best to make this year different. I am going to fix my injury a best I can and not let it get to me so much(this is proving to be very hard, i miss having a healthy body so so much). I am not going to relapse on weed again. I am going to let my brain heal and go back to school focused on my work and also meeting new people and maybe even some girls, its been a while. I am going to find some other hobbies for happiness. I just needed to type this out. I feel like this can be my rock bottom and start the spiral upwards again, its been so long since I was on the right path. I just need my confidence back, I think slowly it is coming. Thanks to anyone who reads this long ass story lol

    ravens
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Ravens..how brave you are! I am so impressed that you did not let your monsters stop you...maybe working with someone so that you can leave your past in the past and not fear redoing it, would be helpful...please forgive yourself...many of us have self medicated...your SA is also something you can work on...when I stopped some of my addictions, I started on a low dose of anti-anxiety medication which was quite useful...please also set reasonable goals and the success will help you regain your confidence...best of luck to you and let us know how are are doing
     
  3. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Thanks for the support Sadeyes, as well as good advice. I think a therapist would probably be beneficial, and my mom has suggested this too. I just find it.. extremely difficult to open up about this stuff in person. I would feel embarrassed saying this to anyone and be thinking how the therapist is judging me. I can have the words in my head, but saying stuff like this it would feel like I would have to force my jaw to move im so used to not opening up. I think like a lot of guys opening up to this extent is hard and my stubborn personality doesnt help.

    I will try to update. Thinking things will get better once I can move on from the withdrawals of smoking. Just finished day 1 of not smoking once again, hopefully I can abstain this time. Thankyou
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF. You are an incredibly brave person. Not for sharing your story on here but for having the courage to face up to your own story objectively and to plan and strive to make things better for yourself. As the saying goes- it does not matter how many times you get knocked down- it is how many times you stand back up that counts. Please keep posting and sharing your progress with us, good or bad...

    Take Care

    Ben
     
  5. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Now both you(NYJmpMaster) and Sadeyes have made me tear up after your support, but in a good way. I am smiling right now :). TY

    I will stick around for a while, trying to help myself and others where I can. I know theres going to be both good and bad days. I think a good sign is that, except for a few select dark days, I have hope that I can be happier eventually. Dont give up hope people, it can keep you going I think.
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So glad you feel better, and please remember that your therapist has probably heard a lot in his/her career...you deserve too feel better, so try to write down what you want to say if that would be helpful...from how you sound, there is a wonderful person waiting to have his turn...and do not worry about what the therapist thinks of you...if he has any problems, let him get his own therapist...lol...all the best
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello ravens!

    It was extremely brave of you to open up to us here! I think getting a therapist is a good idea. If you struggle talking, you can always write down what you want to say if you find it easier. And just remember, you have just opened up here to hundreds of strangers, what's one more (when you get a therapist) ? There will be good days and bad days, but eventually the bad days will become few and far between and the good days will happen more often.
     
  8. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Thank you Butterfly and everyone. I will get a therapist once I secure a job. I clearly need one and have been avoiding it due to my pride.
    Trying hard not to go back to smoking today but it would really be nice to numb myself right now.
     
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