Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Immaterial, Feb 24, 2014.

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  1. Immaterial

    Immaterial New Member

    Have badly crashed again and have spent the last few hours feeling suicidal, unable to sleep or switch off, which has led me to here. I have no one left to talk to, or that I feel I can trust enough, but need to release some of these feelings somehow.

    I had a happy enough childhood, my mother split from my real father when I was too young to remember, but remarried. I have an older sister who in her teenage years, as most teenagers do went off the rails getting into trouble with the police. This caused my mum to have a breakdown, and I guess on reflection where my problems started. My step father and mum did not get on at this point and he turned into a bully towards me, something as a child I did not understand. A teacher at school maybe sensed the problems and spent time talking to me, at the time with no communication to my parents I thought I had a friend, or someone to talk too. This went on for sometime and once when we were alone he tried to touch me. I knew this was not right and I told my mum straight away, but I think with her own problems, and the second marriage failing at the same time she disregarded what I told her. It later came out in the papers he had abused a lot of pupils.

    I started taking drugs and drinking, it never felt like escapism at the time but maybe there was an element of that there. I lost interest in school missing the last year, and although I had good friends I found it hard to meet anyone new because of trust issues. My mum kicked me out from home at 16. I moved into a hostel and found work, but was soon kicked out for taking drugs, so spent the next couple of years sleeping rough. I had no money which meant I could not buy food or pay for anywhere to live, but having no address I could not claim benefits either. Inevitably I started stealing from shops to survive, and found myself being arrested and eventually sent to prison. Realising I was going nowhere I went through another hostel system, and slowly started rebuilding my life, getting a driving license and back into work. I moved on into my own place and stopped taking drugs.

    I started seeing a girlfriend, which turned out to be my first long term relationship. Unfortunately she fell pregnant straight away. After much discussion we both decided that both being young, with not enough money to support a child the responsible thing to do was for her to have an abortion. I did not realise how much this would affect her and she spent a year severely depressed, and I couldn't help blame myself for this. Things picked up and we moved on. We enjoyed going clubbing amongst other things and slowly drugs came back into my life recreationally. I then lost my license, and my job.

    I started selling drugs to make money, the trouble being that having no work skills no basic job could match what I was making. I started using drugs everyday, to the point after 5 years my girlfriend could not cope with the mess I had become. I realised where I was going wrong and that I could not lose the one person who I could talk too, as I had not spoke with my parents for years. We moved away I stopped the drugs. I found work again. things were great again for the time. We decided to move back to our hometown as we still spent a lot of time visiting friends. I realised life was too short to be bitter about the past and built bridges with my mum. Things went wrong again when my step father died unexpectedly. I had not spoke to him in years, but I think this brought back all the memories of my early teenage years. Having kept everything bottled up for many years I first spoke with my girlfriend about what I had been through. I then went to speak to my mum. I guess with my dads death still looming she could not accept what I was saying, and blamed me for a lot of things. I had a breakdown and turned straight back to drugs. When I first tried to kill myself I realised I needed help. I detoxed myself and slowly started feeling a bit better, making future plans with my girlfriend for children, concentrating on making music and art as a focus. I slipped again and started with the drugs, and I think this was the tipping point for my girlfriend, who could not cope and left me. I can't blame her but she was the only person I could really talk too about things.

    I then got a call from a friend who asked me if I had seen her boyfriend, as he had gone missing. We went to his house where I found him dead. This still haunts me now. I severely broke down again and found myself having suicidal thoughts again. I phoned my ex out of desperation, and she convinced me to go and talk with a doctor. After the rejection from my mum and trust issues this felt like the hardest thing to do, but I knew I had to do something. I decided the only way to get help was to be completely honest about my past, and my drug use. I got referred to a counselling service. I'd like to add I had stopped taking drugs again as I knew they were contributing to how I was feeling. I filled in the forms and posted them to the service. I got a phone call, and the stranger on the other end asked me to explain why I felt like I did so they could match me to the right counselling. I spent an hour explaining everything over the phone, my real issue being finding my father dying, my friend dead and loosing my girlfriend all in a short space of time. They told me they could not speak to me unless I went through a separate drugs program. This has completely shattered my confidence in seeking any further advice from doctors or counselling as having being able to stop taking drugs when I have needed too on many occasions over the years I knew this was not the real issue, even though I could see their point.

    I have spent the last few months a recluse, depressed, out of work, no will power to do anything, severe lack of confidence. I moved into a shared house and met new friends, things have improved again and I have slowly started seeing my ex, the only person I trust and can talk too, as I can't speak to my mum any more again. But I have left it too late as she has told me she is moving abroad to start a new life, which I could never hold her back from doing. I have no one else to talk to, my sister lives far away and I could never put this on her as she is happy with children, and I think this is the reason I have not actually gone through with suicide, the thought of the damage to them.

    I feel like I have wasted my life, and there is nothing to look forward too. I would like to move as everything seems like a reminder of the past where I am but how I'm feeling I have no confidence to do so. After spending so long with my ex it seems like I will never find anyone else. I struggle with panic attacks, anxiety and depression.

    I'm not expecting to find answers here, but having sat here writing I already feel calmer.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficulties you have been through and are experiencing. I am not sure I understand why you chose not to get help, perhaps I simply was misreading it. They said they would get you help so long as you participated in a drug program (presumably to prevent the repeated pattern of lapsing back into drug use during high stress or difficult times) but since you are no longer taking drugs that would seem a very simple step to take and allow you to get further help as well as possibly being a good idea or at worst a not needed step but if not working and being a recluse than doing things and being around people and talking would all seem to be good things on there own, regardless of reason.

    I hope you are able to find some way to get help and to take steps to move forward towards getting your life back on track.

    Take Care and Be safe

  3. Immaterial

    Immaterial New Member

    Thanks Ben. I guess at that time the issues I was seeking help was for the loss of people around me. It took a lot to open up to someone, and seemed strange over a phone call, and in my mixed up state it felt like they were not offering what I was looking for.

    Life is full of ups and downs and although I wish I could change a lot of things in my past I know theres no point dwelling on them, just to learn and move forward. It just seems hard when just when things are picking up something else seems to set me back. I used to be a very social person for a while, and I am lucky enough to have had some amazing experiences, but when I crash I cant help but beat myself up over my failures and find it hard to think of the positive things that have happened.

    I have thought of speaking to a doctor again, but with a history of drug use I do not want any tablets. I have seen enough people who are reliant on anti depressants and tranquilizers so do not know what else they can offer. Where I'm from there is a long waiting list for the counselling service, it took over a month after posting the forms last time before I even recieved the phone call. I'm aware these places are usually run by volunteers or have limited resources.

    I kind of feel stupid for writing all of this now, I don't know why? I really think moving away from things that remind me of my past could be the first step to restarting. The way I feel at the moment I don't know if I want to be in a new place trying to meet new people etc, but I guess you don't know until you try.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The medications you say people become reliant on them i do not see that i see that the medication gives them the life back t hey use to have. They restore the chemicals in the brain that are unbalanced just as insulin keeps someone stable so do the antidepressants no difference hun. Would you say that about a diabetic
    Can you not hun call that number and get the help they have offered you the reason they wanted you to get into a drug program was because in times of stress you use drugs as a coping mechanism they wanted to give you better tools that all so when you did get councilling for the hard stuff you had to face you would not fall back on the drugs.

    Reach out to your doctor ok your doc will give you another referral for help to deal with your past do that for YOU hugs
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    With the history of drug issues I certainly understand you reluctance to look to pills for an answer, but in general given that history the doctors would be very selective in the kinds of meds they would prescribe and the and the tranquilizer and all the "pams/pines/zines" would probably be off the table. While counseling would most likely be the most beneficial for you that is also , as you said, very scarce in some places due to budget cuts. I still think it would benefit you (possibly- you know yourself better than I) to get into the system to start getting help as opposed to avoid it because it is not the specific type you need most to begin with. With "rationed care" as has become the norm in many places, they often have specifics orders that you have to go through or hoops to jump through to get to the care you want or need. Any start in that direction is benefit and shortens the wait until you get to what you need.

    So far as a fresh start - that could be very good to put distance between you and your past, so long as it is a fresh start and not running away in avoidance as eventually that usually catches up to you. I am sorry if my earlier response made you feel uncomfortable for posting, I am just glad you decided to start talking someplace, even here. You certainly did not say anything I see to be ashamed or embarrassed about - you have had struggles and keep fighting and made your way back several times over. That is an admirable strength you have shown. I hope you keep talking and exploring your options, and whether it is an idea you get from somebody here, or simply an idea that comes about on your own from discussing things and thinking them over, if it helps then it is worth it.
  6. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Immaterial, I can't imagine having gone through all of that. I'm sorry you are struggling right now and that you've had some pretty awful things happen in the past. I'm hearing not that you want to die, but that you are feeling exasperated with constant struggling. And it's OK to be tired from that; it's very draining. It took a lot of courage to contact a doctor and also to seek out this site. You are very welcome here and I hope you find some comfort and support.

    My brother went through something similar in that no psychiatrist would see him until he went through detox. They do this, of course, because it really is impossible to really address issues and work on moving forward when not thinking clearly. From helping my brother, though, I got the impression that it made the whole thing scarier; having to quit the things that comforted him and jumping into talk therapy all at once. Having said that, not EVERY psychiatrist will turn you away. I would suggest that you look for one that has experience with substance abuse/addiction and dual diagnosis (addiction + mental diagnosis).

    As I said, I'm glad you are here and hope you continue to get comfort from using SF as an outlet. We're all here to talk and help! :hug:
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