Have badly crashed again and have spent the last few hours feeling suicidal, unable to sleep or switch off, which has led me to here. I have no one left to talk to, or that I feel I can trust enough, but need to release some of these feelings somehow. I had a happy enough childhood, my mother split from my real father when I was too young to remember, but remarried. I have an older sister who in her teenage years, as most teenagers do went off the rails getting into trouble with the police. This caused my mum to have a breakdown, and I guess on reflection where my problems started. My step father and mum did not get on at this point and he turned into a bully towards me, something as a child I did not understand. A teacher at school maybe sensed the problems and spent time talking to me, at the time with no communication to my parents I thought I had a friend, or someone to talk too. This went on for sometime and once when we were alone he tried to touch me. I knew this was not right and I told my mum straight away, but I think with her own problems, and the second marriage failing at the same time she disregarded what I told her. It later came out in the papers he had abused a lot of pupils. I started taking drugs and drinking, it never felt like escapism at the time but maybe there was an element of that there. I lost interest in school missing the last year, and although I had good friends I found it hard to meet anyone new because of trust issues. My mum kicked me out from home at 16. I moved into a hostel and found work, but was soon kicked out for taking drugs, so spent the next couple of years sleeping rough. I had no money which meant I could not buy food or pay for anywhere to live, but having no address I could not claim benefits either. Inevitably I started stealing from shops to survive, and found myself being arrested and eventually sent to prison. Realising I was going nowhere I went through another hostel system, and slowly started rebuilding my life, getting a driving license and back into work. I moved on into my own place and stopped taking drugs. I started seeing a girlfriend, which turned out to be my first long term relationship. Unfortunately she fell pregnant straight away. After much discussion we both decided that both being young, with not enough money to support a child the responsible thing to do was for her to have an abortion. I did not realise how much this would affect her and she spent a year severely depressed, and I couldn't help blame myself for this. Things picked up and we moved on. We enjoyed going clubbing amongst other things and slowly drugs came back into my life recreationally. I then lost my license, and my job. I started selling drugs to make money, the trouble being that having no work skills no basic job could match what I was making. I started using drugs everyday, to the point after 5 years my girlfriend could not cope with the mess I had become. I realised where I was going wrong and that I could not lose the one person who I could talk too, as I had not spoke with my parents for years. We moved away I stopped the drugs. I found work again. things were great again for the time. We decided to move back to our hometown as we still spent a lot of time visiting friends. I realised life was too short to be bitter about the past and built bridges with my mum. Things went wrong again when my step father died unexpectedly. I had not spoke to him in years, but I think this brought back all the memories of my early teenage years. Having kept everything bottled up for many years I first spoke with my girlfriend about what I had been through. I then went to speak to my mum. I guess with my dads death still looming she could not accept what I was saying, and blamed me for a lot of things. I had a breakdown and turned straight back to drugs. When I first tried to kill myself I realised I needed help. I detoxed myself and slowly started feeling a bit better, making future plans with my girlfriend for children, concentrating on making music and art as a focus. I slipped again and started with the drugs, and I think this was the tipping point for my girlfriend, who could not cope and left me. I can't blame her but she was the only person I could really talk too about things. I then got a call from a friend who asked me if I had seen her boyfriend, as he had gone missing. We went to his house where I found him dead. This still haunts me now. I severely broke down again and found myself having suicidal thoughts again. I phoned my ex out of desperation, and she convinced me to go and talk with a doctor. After the rejection from my mum and trust issues this felt like the hardest thing to do, but I knew I had to do something. I decided the only way to get help was to be completely honest about my past, and my drug use. I got referred to a counselling service. I'd like to add I had stopped taking drugs again as I knew they were contributing to how I was feeling. I filled in the forms and posted them to the service. I got a phone call, and the stranger on the other end asked me to explain why I felt like I did so they could match me to the right counselling. I spent an hour explaining everything over the phone, my real issue being finding my father dying, my friend dead and loosing my girlfriend all in a short space of time. They told me they could not speak to me unless I went through a separate drugs program. This has completely shattered my confidence in seeking any further advice from doctors or counselling as having being able to stop taking drugs when I have needed too on many occasions over the years I knew this was not the real issue, even though I could see their point. I have spent the last few months a recluse, depressed, out of work, no will power to do anything, severe lack of confidence. I moved into a shared house and met new friends, things have improved again and I have slowly started seeing my ex, the only person I trust and can talk too, as I can't speak to my mum any more again. But I have left it too late as she has told me she is moving abroad to start a new life, which I could never hold her back from doing. I have no one else to talk to, my sister lives far away and I could never put this on her as she is happy with children, and I think this is the reason I have not actually gone through with suicide, the thought of the damage to them. I feel like I have wasted my life, and there is nothing to look forward too. I would like to move as everything seems like a reminder of the past where I am but how I'm feeling I have no confidence to do so. After spending so long with my ex it seems like I will never find anyone else. I struggle with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I'm not expecting to find answers here, but having sat here writing I already feel calmer.