Discussion in 'Welcome' started by CeeMe, May 15, 2014.

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  1. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member


    I am not sure why I registered or am typing this. I must admit after having read some of the other posts I feel even worse as the majority of these people are just kids. I am 39 years old and struggling so badly to survive each day. BTW my name is Christopher. I am from South Africa.

    Most of the advice on the serious cases has been around getting advice form a GP or Psychologist. Unfortunately in SA we don't get free medical and I have been unemployed for 6 months which isn't helping the situation. In saying that even if I was on a medical aid I still wouldn't go see someone. In my child hood days I became very independent very quickly and forced myself never to rely on anyone. I don't talk to people and when I do I put on this false display so that they don't think anything is wrong. Fake fake fake..

    This seems like such a waste but some basics about me:
    * I am severely depressed {duh!}
    * I never smoked cigarettes or anything else but started about a year ago for the sole purpose of burning myself. Not so much that I wanted to hurt myself but it seems to give my mind a rest from focussing on all the other rubbish. I have scars all over my ankles and hips now. The sores fester often and the pain, I have to admit is quite enjoyable now.
    * I think about suicide everyday without fail.
    * The woman I fell head over heels in love with has left me started seeing someone else. I am so overly heart broken that I have developed a hatred for anything positively emotional. It's so bad that I have dreamt of how I will murder her. I obviously would never do anything like that as I know I am to blame for all my shortcomings and decisions.

    So why am I still living? 1 reason....I used to be very religious (Christian) and to this day I am not sure whether suicide will send me to hell or not. There are loads of opinions on it and they all justify it in their own way but I still don't know. I know I don't want to go to hell but I also know I don't want to live a day longer.

    There is so much more to all this but reading it just makes me feel more worthless and pathetic. I have no hope, no faith and no belief in anything related to me. That sucks so badly. How pathetic a human being I must be.

    Anyway, I typed something. Yay for me.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    welcome. much support here.
    as for irl, how about a free helpline or some sort of meetings for people in crisis near you?
    why not let people whom you're being false to in a bit of your reality?
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello CeeMe and welcome to SF!

    We have members of all ages on this website, in fact a lot of our members are 30+ and you can relate to some of these members in the antiquities forum. I'm sorry to hear how you have been feeling recently. It's certainly unpleasant to feel suicidal and feel like you are trapped with nowhere to turn. If seeking professional help from a doctor is not an option, maybe you could look at going to support groups or look at mental health charities in your area and reach out there. In the mean time you can reach out for support here. I hope you feel better soon.
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Welcome to this forum. I hope you find it useful.

    Your history is less important here than your feelings right now.

    . :rainbow: :rainbow:

    The USA doesn't have free health care either, but it does have some doctors and hospitals for uninsured without money, and laws against dumping emergency patients into the street. There may be similar provisions in your country, despite the various economic and racial divides. I am aware that health care can be far away or overcrowded or of questionable quality in many parts of the world--sometimes that's true even in the USA.

    Fortunately treatment for depression is relatively cheap--there are medicines for it that cost only $4 a month here.

    Meanwhile, you're always welcome to share what you think, here, without fear of judgment. There are kids here, but they're kids--they are still learning. I'm 50, and I'm still learning.

    Another reply here uses the phrase "to whom you're being false". It's harsh, but in self-harm and suicide-related issues, it's also true. It describes me as a chronic liar. Lying to others is a part of most mental health and substance abuse history.
    Last edited: May 15, 2014
  5. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    I should've also mentioned a few details that might have clarified a few things.

    I live on a farm with the nearest town being 25km's away. I did walk there once but it takes about 4 hours either way. Going there is no issue, it's the coming home in the evening that's the problem. The road I need to go is rife with prostitutes and frequently highjackings occur. I may be suicidal but I am not stupid.

    I have tried support groups but cannot get myself to open up to them. I feel too embarassed about what and where I am and therefore don't talk about it. As for talking to friends and family; my dad's approach is that suicide is a cowards way out and i must act like a man {blah blah}; and my friends approach was he doesn't want to hear me talk about suicide. The reality is that people close to me cannot accept that I don't want to live. They all think its a big act or a joke.....hahaha the joke will be on them when I do finally pull the trigger.

    I know it sounds like I am making excuses but the truth is I don't know any of you and I am more comfortable telling you about how pathetic I am than anyone else.

    FYI - I used to be a lilie fluoxitine (??spelling), aka Prozac, but had to stop as I ran out of money. That was nearly 2 months ago and I have been trying to go cold turkey on my own. Probably not a good approach.

    Hatshepsut - Thanks for the comment on age. Not sure if you just trying to make me feel better as every comment I have seen so far is from an under 25. As for history being less important - My history is why I am where I am today. I cannot forget it and how it has moulded me into this deformed and derranged time bomb.
  6. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    FYI - I am not sitting on my butt doing nothing about work and complaining about life. I am actively pursuing work and have some possibilities that may result in a good income.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    how do you know people are under 25. many people do not even give birth years.
    support is support and kind words are kind no matter what age range.

    hmm, the walk from town does appear an issue. what possible transport modes are there? what about biking...

    being productive is good. keep at it.

    how about smaller groups... like one to one. or developing a new potential friendship

    i found fluxo ok the first time, not so ok years later. they do say it is a safe drug compared to lots of others though. how did that work for you
  8. Caminho - lunar

    Caminho - lunar Active Member

    I hope that you find some of the support you need here. About the age...I'm 48. You are not alone. I'm not alone!!
  9. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    scaryforest I am not being ageist. As per my post "every comment I have seen so far". I certainly do not claim to be an expert on the age groupings of this forum and by no means categorize my depression based on my age.

    As for smaller groups / 1-on-1: I think i would land up the same as before. Just clamming up and lying about the situation for the sake of not having to talk about it and air my dirty laundry. I have trouble talking to people in general and am not very sociable so this does not help my situation at all.

    The prozac didn't stop me from feeling suicidle but it does help control my anxiety quite well. There was a period where I stopped burning myself too as I felt the sleeping tablets were sufficient. :( Yes, I take sleeping tablets everyday to help me sleep or I don't sleep at all.

    I guess I have never founbd anyone I am comfortable talking to and being open with, other than the last girl who booted me. I felt so at ease with her as if she understood, partly because she had been there before. Now.....the emptiness is back.
  10. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    then this forum is brilliant for you because there is not that face to face clam up aspect.
    what do you speak to the friend about, is it generally light hearted?
    instead of using word suicide maybe could just ask advice there.
    do you help on the farm?
    hope talking here in general helps and burden becomes less
  11. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    Yes I suppose it does help. I started writing a lot of what I have been feeling and a bit about my history down a few days ago. Felt that it might help. I got through quite a lot and then stopped as I felt it was just adding to the trailer of woes I like to carry around with me, so this may be a good substitute as I actually get a response as opposed to just an emotional dump happening.

    I told him I felt suicidal and didn't want to live and that my depression had reached a point where I couldn't control it any more. He just told me to stop talking s#*t and he didn't to hear it.

    Generally we talk about his stuff. I tend to be more of listener than a talker. I offer good advice as I listen more than most I guess. Other than that we talk about fishing and sport like most men. I am cloise to his family as well as his parents always welcome me into their lives.

    Farm - Yes I help out and am busy trying to get a contract to do free range chicken eggs for a large food chain here in the Johannesburg area. If all goes well it could set me up nicely.

    As for the talking, it does help. Just not sure how long it will last. Each day is a challenge in itself and drives different feelings and emotions. It's weird because as much as I welcome the day that comes when I do end my life, I fear it too.
  12. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    Thanks Caminho - Lunar. Good to know we not alone.
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hello CeeMee, welcome to SF :) I am 20 years older than you, and used to live in Zim - the happiest days of my life :) Africa has a magic all its own, eh, but you do sound isolated physically which is why the forum is so beneficial for making connections with people who have and are experiencing similar things. Faith has been a big part of my journey including the dark times - they all seem to be a part of it, and I can tell you from experience that God never loses his care and concern for us even when we feel we have lost our connection. If you'd like to PM me, I have some resources I can email to you on the matter. Regarding the being sent to hell business - God never sends anyone there as punishment for misbehaviour/missing the mark - Hell's lock is on the inside and it is possible to find ways to let ourselves out - but I also know that sometimes it can be impossible to see this.
    I will CeeYou Christopher, it would be an honour :)
  14. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    Hi urPrecious, sadly my experience of God over the past 10 years has been the same as that of my dad. As a child I was ignored because I was the goody two-shoes. My 2 brothers and sister were always in trouble so they got all the focus. The result is I isolated myself at a very young age and did things my way. I had God in my life, and prayed and did all the 'good Christian things'. I even went to the extent that every time something positive happened I gave God credit. The reality at the end of the day was that it was just people doing their normal day to day jobs. God had nothing to do with it.

    I have come to the realization that, just like my dad, God is too busy focussing on the people with real issues. I will manage on my own. I did before and I may not have been happy but I was satisfied with who I was and knew what I was. As for the God not sending me to hell, I know He won't. However, the devil is legalistic. My actions have a consequence. So if I take my life is the resultant penalty = hell? That is the 1c question. The sad part is my dad became a Pastor about 2 years ago, full time and apparently quite a good one. Yet he still treats me like I am incapable of doing anything. Guess my experience of father figures has been dismal to say the least.

    And just for the record according to the bible and for those that believe, there is only one way out of hell = John 3:16.
  15. girlgonebad

    girlgonebad Member

    hey welcome to the forum please reach out to us whenever you need to we all family, please stay safe
  16. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Good. You could have reading my other posts, which flatters me some. I do sit on my butt a lot.

    I read, so I am aware of black townships and some history of South Africa. I won't pry and ask how this relates to you, but "25 km from farm" brought it to mind. I had guessed most whites on farms have automobiles. Also, you mentioned your dad's opinions, which I guessed arise from a traditional culture that may not accept modern concepts about suicide and so on. Maybe I'm wrong.

    Suicide isn't cowardly; it's actually very difficult to do and requires the one who would do it to summon immense courage.

    You don't have a gun, by the way? If you do, get rid of it now. Give it to someone else. With potential suicide, a gun resting nearby is never a good idea.

    If fluoxetine helped you earlier, consider resuming it. It's one of the $4 medicines here. You might even be able to order it by mail, so you won't have to go into town. If you can't afford it where you are, odds favor that a charity clinic or pharmacy might supply it for you. SA probably has better provisions than Congo does. There's even a small chance your country doesn't require prescriptions for it as the USA does. That's a disadvantage of Internet--we don't have the local info. Best wishes again.
  17. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    South Africa is not as bad as the rest of the world makes out. I suppose the media publicise the worst as it increases their ratings. Truth is we are quite an awesome country, and safer than most. I do have a car but no income = no gas. I was planning on selling it but if this contract comes through I am going to need wheels.

    Gun - Yes I do. No I don't plan on getting rid of it. If/When I do take the final step i am not going to mess around with things that may not work. It is a final choice for me and no turning back.

    Sadly fluoxetine is a prescription drug and doctors will only prescribe on consultation. Its not something they dish out over the phone. Not serious. I hate taking tablets in any case. Just another thing to worry about. I have enough rubbish in my life without having to stress about geting money for drugs that I shouldn't be taking in the first place.

    As for my dad's opinions he is old school. Big boys don't cry type attitude. Sadly a lot of his actions when I was a child have resulted in me being the way I am. Not blaming him at all as it was always my choice on how to handle the situations. I just feel that a lot of what he did put me in those positions to make the wrong choice when I shouldn't have been there in the first place.
  18. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    what about interior of your house?
    perhaps you could add things to improve overall vibe...

    is dad not willing to give money for gas till you are able to pay back or for something you can do in return, could ask him...
  19. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    CeeMee - John 3.16 can be "unpacked" if you like, and we can send the devil packing with his lies........ but this is strong (legalistic sounding) talk which is unhelpful for your current state of mind. You need to be deeply heard, and from these posts (only just seen) I understand the father-issue involved, especially your last sentence. Please choose to believe that there is hope for a new perspective :)
  20. CeeMe

    CeeMe Member

    scaryforest - What is the rat in your pic holding?

    I have repacked and unpacked my house many times over. I do work on the house (its not mine) and do repairs and help out around the farm. I tend to isolate myself in my room as I don't feel part of the family here and as they don't understand my situation I cannot talk to them.

    As for dad, I try not to ask for any help from him at all unless I absolutely have to.

    urPrecious - Thanks but I gave up on hope a while ago. I have now and that's all. Tomorrow may never come so no point in hoping.
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