Hi everyone, I'm Tamara. I've been here for 3 days but this is my first post. I go into the chat in the evenings but felt ready to make a thread. I don't talk about this stuff normally so it's hard for me to speak on it and let everything out. I'll try to be more open though as I think that will help in the end. I'm sorry for the long read: I've been suicidal for the past 6 years, with 2012-2014 being the worst of the 6. I grew up in a strict household and went through physical and mental abuse; as a result I struggle with forming lasting relationships, trust and over-anxiety. I was taught to never ask anyone for help because I'd just be a burden, so I'm independent with most things. When I get into situations where I need help though, I have no one to turn to. My younger brother was kicked out of my parents house when he was 18 (He has a terrible relationship with my dad so they butt heads a lot and my mom does nothing to protect my brother). She called me in the middle of the night to let him stay with me, so I did of course. From 2012-2014 I supported us both while I went to school; it was hard. I had no help, my brother was of no help, and I couldn't properly handle the situation so my mental state plummeted even further. I had my first real attempt in April 2013; I say real because I went through with my plans. My brother helped take care of me after the attempt, and honestly if it weren't for him I would have died. I realized I didn't want to die. Our living situation got a little better, but because of my anxiety and still-present depression I failed that semester of classes. I got a job in the summer and my brother got his own living arrangement, so things picked up there but by the Fall semester, my depression and anxiety were out of control and my gpa suffered. I was suspended from school, had no job and no money. I struggled bad during the first part of this year until I got a break and got a customer service job. It was the only job that called back so I took it. I'm good at customer service because I can fake emotions and empathy pretty well, but it kills me inside to do it. My performance started dropping and I quit in July. I took a few classes at another college that I paid for out of pocket so that I could raise my gpa and get back into my school. I made two As and I was finally picking up mentally. Then more bad happened and to make a long story short, I can't get back into my school this year. I attempted suicide again Sunday. My days have been filled with searching for jobs that I can support myself on and fending off thoughts that it might be better to just end it all. No one thinks I have any mental or emotional issues, but I do. I don't know why I keep making the wrong decisions in life. I just want to do things right, but every move I make costs me. Sometimes I have good days, then I'll have very suicidal days; it's exhausting. I haven't left my apartment in 3 days. I want things to get better so I can get help and finally have an internal happiness that's unrelated to my external circumstances, but external circumstances have to get better first, and it's a ride I don't think I can take anymore.