Hello....

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by cathartic, Sep 16, 2014.

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  1. cathartic

    cathartic New Member

    Hello.

    Today is my birthday. Well, it is 2am now, so yesterday was my birthday. I am 19 as of yesterday.

    I have been in and out of therapy since the age of nine. Never been really given a proper diagnosis. Some have thought I've had Bipolar disorder, some have not. I've been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and General Anxiety disorder. Tried every pill. Last year around my birthday, I stopped taking all of my medication without consent of my doctor. Since then I was prescribed other things which I experimented in taking...and ultimately ended up, once again, not taking anything at all.

    Last year I stayed local and studied at a community college. For some reason, my parents pushed me into going away to school this year. I suppose they found my brooding self to be too much and couldn't take it anymore. My mother insists she wanted me to become independent...and to experience life away from home. In a last minute attempt, I applied to a school I have no interest in, for a major I have no interest in. This particular school has a good friend from home of mine attending as well, and I thought that if she were here, I'd be less likely tempted to...you know...and perhaps she could keep me in check (although she is really ignorant to mental illness'...and I've never told her of mine.)

    Upon arriving at school...everything has been spiraling more and more downwards. I thought I'd already hit my "lowest points". It seems that those lows that have been so painful...so agonizing...they can go lower. I am usually quite good at hiding my depression in the day, giving the impression that I'm alright, but this darkness is bleeding through. I fear I am not going to be able to mask it any longer. I have visions of myself completely losing it in a public setting. I am constantly in danger of becoming undone at the most random of moments. I can feel my roommate (the friend from home) becoming increasingly annoyed with my mood...I don't blame her. I've tried to confide in my parents many times before about this constant pain I'm in. Last September, my mother told me "Everyone gets depressed, get over it." I was about to tell her I'd been suicidal. I was so hurt I don't feel I can speak again with her or my dad about these things. But, then again, can I blame them for having such an attitude? I've subjected them to my nonsense my whole life. I'd be frustrated too...and I suppose it is hard to understand...

    So here I am, sitting in the dark of my dorm room. At night I lay here with my jaw clenched, body aching...there is so much pain. My mind is in a constant state of darkness that I cannot seem to appease. And to wake again in the morning, to repeat another day of this is growing so tiresome. It is becoming harder to ignore that voice in the back of my head...to ignore the obvious way out of this pain.

    I am here because I don't want to feel alone in this any longer. I don't want to succumb to this. There is still something left within me that wants help, or atleast to be heard.. Many thanks to those who've read this lengthy lackluster introduction, and thank you for having me here.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good you went away in that you can receive help now that you deserve without the judgement of your mother. You go to the councilor at the college and you talk to them ok you get the extra support you need to help you succeed there . The councilor there will help you get through the hard days talk to someone ok at the college do not suffer alone
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found us here so you do not have to feel alone. Talk to the counselors there at the college as recommended and find some supports for you there in real life and stop by and talk to us here on the boards or in chat so you do not have to try to do this all alone :hug:
     
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