Discussion in 'Welcome' started by gsp, Jan 7, 2015.

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  1. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hello there, I'm a 40-year-old guy, single, never married. I'm currently enrolled full-time in graduate school, and I have a part-time job. Unfortunately, I've been very depressed these days, and I think a lot about suicide. I don't have a plan or anything, but it really sucks thinking about suicide all the time.

    Actually, I don't really want to kill myself, but I simply don't get any pleasure out of life anymore. My suicidal thoughts are driven by intense feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and hopelessness. I currently don't have a significant other, and believe it or not, I don't have any friends, either. (Whatever, if you look on my Facebook, I have "friends", but they're really just acquaintances. If I called any of them over the phone, in reality it would be very awkward.) If you've ever seen the movie "The Lonely Guy", that's what my life is like, minus the Hollywood happy ending. :( Technically I have avoidant personality disorder, which basically means it's next to impossible for me to make friends because I constantly avoid people. I used to be fine without any friends because I would just bury myself in my studies or find something else like video games to distract me. I used to give serious thought to becoming a modern day hermit. But ever since I turned 40, it seems like the rest of my life is just going to be more of the same, and I can't imagine living the rest of my life all alone without any friends. Ironically, I like my current job and I love my classes, but what's the point of living life if I have no one to share it with?

    My family is not emotionally supportive of me. It's not their fault -- they just don't know how. Still, a house plant needs water to survive, even if its owner is bad at taking care of plants. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, but it doesn't help much. I take meds, but they do nothing. I've had to stay in the hospital on three separate occasions in the past because of my suicidal thoughts. I've been in therapy for 20 years now. Having spent that much time in therapy and still being alone, it's tempting to become bitter, pessimistic, and cynical. I've heard that life gets better as you get older. Unfortunately that seems to be a lie, at least in my case.

    As to what I'm looking for, even though I'm suicidal, I'm still open to advice and suggestions, especially social advice. I see other people make friends, and it's like a magic trick to me. I can connect and relate to others -- at least I think I'm friendly enough -- but the few relationships I have are superficial, and I have trouble forming any deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. It is true, however, that I have a lot of trouble trusting people, and I can't stand rejection, which might explain my troubles. I know you can't make close friends overnight, but I'm 40 years old already! How much longer can I wait? Also, more than one person has told me that they thought about talking to me, but at the time I looked busy, so they decided against it. So there could be some room for improvement for me as far as looking approachable goes.

    Kudos to you if you've gotten this far! I wouldn't think of killing myself if I had at least one person to talk to who cared. As it is, I could kill myself right now, and no one would so much as bat an eye. I'd be just another statistic.

    Thank you kindly for reading.

    - gsp
  2. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    You're not a statistic to me. What i see here is someone who is socially awkward and it has kicked them in the rear their whole life. Now, I don't know you, so I can't observe what the problem may be and help you, but I can be here to support you. Hang tough my friend. :)
  3. kokie

    kokie Member

    hey there gsp!

    most of what you say could have just been pages from my diary... some real dark thoughts go trhought my mind its actually why i joined... and it helped me, its good to not feel sooo alone... i would say try no to focus on the dark so much..... the most important part i think its starting you are analizing your life.. you are not just statistic.. and you can count on me if you want...
  4. gsp

    gsp Member

    Thanks guys! You guys are great. Maybe I'll post something over at the General Disorders Forum, since they discuss social anxiety there, which is similar but not exactly the same as avoidant personality disorder.

    Thanks again!

    - gsp
  5. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    No problem. :)
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I hope this forum helps you as much as it has helped others.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forums. I am glad that you found us :)
  8. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum and nice to meet you.
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It's good thing to have a job you enjoy. For other parts of your life, it's understandable. Maybe things would be better after grad school?

    Welcome aboard.
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