Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Newbie68, Feb 17, 2015.

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  1. Newbie68

    Newbie68 Member

    Hi. I thought I would join the site as things haven't been going well in my life for a while but after reading some of the posts and threads I feel a bit of a fraud as my problems are small compared with the suffering and difficulties faced by others on here.

    Anyway if you don't mind just a bit of a background. I'm a late 40's male who lives alone, although I do have a partner, and I hate my job with a passion. The Groundhog Day episodes are becoming more prevalent as I get older and I am now at the stage of being too tired or not bothered in doing anything else whatsoever, that includes seeing friends, hobbies, any sort of going out at all. I have started disliking people in general and cannot stand all the ills that go on in this world and basically I really wonder what is the point of it all. Recently I started to get dark thoughts about if I actually want to be here anymore. I am fairly certain I won't act upon these thoughts but the fact that they have appeared in my mind is a concern and one I felt I had to share just to get it off my chest.

    I used to be fairly affluent due to inheriting some money so did a lot of voluntary work and worked at a few special educational needs schools as a supply assistant. I loved it helping kids less fortunate than most but as time went on the inheritance dwindled and the regular work was not there in that area. Therefore I had to get any job just to pay the bills. It wasn't a concern to start with as I applied for many a full time role at schools but unfortunately every application or interview I just cannot get my foot in the door and I am now two years down the line in this job I absolutely abhor with no immediate prospects of finding work in the area I enjoy and I have no idea as to why.

    I used to be active as well but now suffer with old football injuries that as I have got older are giving me pain and I am now unable to be as active as I was. The knock on affect to this is extra weight and the recent diagnosis of borderline type 2 diabetes.

    There I was one minute a reasonably healthy individual enjoying helping others and then I am suddenly hitting arthritis, diabetes and gawd knows what else and stuck in a job that I detest but have no choice because it as I say pays the bills.

    Therefore suddenly my confidence and belief is rock bottom and I dislike the person I have become.

    Sure there is an element of feeling sorry for myself which is a selfish trait when others are far worse off but 2 or 3 years ago I would have snapped out of it, and have been laughing and joking 10 minutes later. Now I find my mind-set doesn't think that way and I just don't really know how to get it back.

    Many apologies again because so many are far worse off than I but I cannot talk to anyone close so I felt I needed to put my thoughts down on paper.

    Maybe if I can be of help to anyone on here it will help me get some self worth back and at least it will make me feel like I am helping people again rather than working all the hours god sends just to make rich people even richer!!
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    :welcome: Newbie68!!!

    Really glad to see you're here!!! I hope you won't minimize what you're experiencing or measure it by what others are going through. This is understandably important to you, and that's what matters!!!!!

    I, too, have worked jobs I positively couldn't stand in order to pay the bills and provide for my kids, so I understand your frustration. It is indeed a miserable way to live - more like exist. I was living in a small town at the time, and the 'good' jobs were nearly impossible to come by. Those that had the 'good' jobs held on to them which left me horrible choices for employment (restaurant work). I even volunteered at my kids' school helping their teachers. I did that for a couple years (and totally enjoyed it), and kept hoping while I did it that an employment opportunity would come of it, but sadly it never did.

    After about 5yrs of living like that I finally had enough, and decided it was time to move to the city. At least in the city I believed I could at least do something I enjoyed more than what the small towns offered, and I was correct. As the years passed (about 7yrs or so) I finally found myself as a volunteer (at my local mental health center - I had been a client). It began with being asked to become a mentor for a group that had existed for about 8yrs at that point. Then after a couple years of doing that I was asked to actually lead the group. Both were massively shocking to me. They were not the kinds of things I was used to doing or even trained to do. (Some came to believe I was simply a natural at it even though it didn't feel that way to me.)

    Then during the course of the first (and only) year leading the group other opportunities began popping up, and I was asked if I would be willing to try my hand at consumer advocate work. I never did anything like any of these before, but I didn't have anything to lose to try, so I did. I started with being a consumer advocate on one committee for the state (massively scary for me), and in the 2yrs I've been doing this I'm now on several committees and a couple of boards. Oddly, I was asked to participate on all of these. They're not something I sought out to do. I was also encouraged to do some other trainings which after this Aug will provide other employment opportunities there, too, all while still doing the CA work.

    I LOVE volunteering as well! Besides the ways mentioned already I've done other volunteer stuff, too. I've been a volunteer on a media team for the past 4yrs. I have volunteered to help folks move amongst other odd little jobs. Another thing I did for the past four summers was have a garden. This was the first time I'd tried my hand at it, and before I even planted the first seed I had resolved that everything harvested was going to be donated whether it was to the homeless shelter, mental health center or even just people on the bus (just to name a few places), and that's exactly what I did all four years I did it. Initially I could see the person who sponsored the plot for me was hoping I would keep some of what I harvested, but I just couldn't. I told them I just wanted to give it all away, and I did!! It was positively invigorating! It was such a delight just to see the smile on people's faces when I gave them fresh, totally organic, produce.

    I also understand about health challenges. I'm about to turn 45, and just one year ago I had open heart surgery to replace a valve. I'm now on a blood thinner for the rest of my life, and blood pressure meds, too. (The BP meds are a result of the surgery.) During the surgery I had the exceedingly rare complication of my aorta dissecting (in the descending part). It's still dissected but stable, but my BP has to stay in check now or the dissection could worsen. I also have some bulging discs at the base of my neck, and some arthritis in my upper back. I've never been easy on this body, so it's understandable and to be expected it's going to start protesting as I continue to get older. Ya know?

    We all have our physical limitations as we get older, and as you can see, I have mine, too. I admit they can definitely be discouraging. It took me a few months to figure out how to work with the new challenges I face, but once I got over the shock of all these things I knew I didn't want them to get the better of me, and I hope you won't let yours, either!!!! I hope you won't let these stop you from trying to do what you know in your heart you were meant to do.

    Is there a library nearby you could volunteer at, maybe, or something similar in nature?

    Please feel free to continue to share as you need and want! We'll do our best to support you during this challenging time of your life!!
  3. Newbie68

    Newbie68 Member

    Thank you for your kind reply. Your use of the word "exist" sums it up perfectly. I just feel at the end of each day that it is another 9 hours wasted of a life.

    The difficulty here in the UK is that it isn't easy to move from town to City. London is the closest to me and it is expensive to live there and just as expensive to commute. Spending each evening on the internet looking for a new job and not getting anywhere is also a grind and of course you don't want to walk from one nightmare straight into another.

    It's a bit of a quandary to say the least but as I say I have probably got it better than some and if the fact that I hate my job is all I have to worry about maybe I should be grateful.
  4. ohmeohmy

    ohmeohmy Member

    Hi Newbie68 (and Rhinolady),

    Newbie68, I can totally relate to the challenges of being in a job that is not enjoyable/satisfying. It can really suck the life out of a person! I've had a lot of success, and used to have a strong career, and then I moved cities thinking this would take me to the next level in my career. Instead, I've been unable to find work suited to my background and experience. (I work in an industry where the middle level has completely diminished). So, I've taken an assistant position. I don't think I'd mind it so much, but its just that the folks I work with simply don't see who I am, or the value I can offer. It's really depressing. Some days I go home and cry, and then have no motivation to do anything at all.

    If I can be helpful at all, it is to say please don't beat yourself up for thinking that you shouldn't be feeling bad.

    Yes, it's true, some people have far greater challenges, but be gentle with yourself and honour your truth about not being happy.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It makes a difference for others.

    Wishing you all the best!
  5. Newbie68

    Newbie68 Member

    Thank you for your kind words.

    It is incredible how miserable this job makes me. I enjoy certain things in life like playing a bit of sport or watching films but would I do those 9 hours a day? Nope. So when you couldn't face doing something you enjoy 9 hours a day doing something that you absolutely abhor for 9 hours a day is crushing the life out of me to the extent that I now no longer do the things I used to enjoy because I just don't have the energy or motivation. I work 5 days a week and enjoy Friday nights and Saturday's that's it. Sundays I spend all day knowing that I am back to depression city on a Monday. I know so many people who hate Sundays for that reason it is incredible.

    Spoke to an old friend I hadn't seen for years the other day and left him totally speechless. He asked if I had any kids. My answer was no. He asked why and I said why would I bring a child into this world to go through the same misery as I. I said you bring them up and then at 16 or 18 tell them off they go and find work and maybe 20 to 30 % of them will find a career that they are happy with, a lot of others will just be in a job they hate trying to make ends meet. Don't think he was best pleased as he has three!!!

    But that's the negative mind-set I am at right now. To be truthful one of the only things stopping me doing something silly is that there are no guarantees it would be better on the other side!

    The powers that be need to look at work/life balance. We are in a period of paid slave labour IMO where all we are doing is helping making the rich richer and for what.
  6. Newbie68

    Newbie68 Member

    Well things are getting more difficult. My partner has been signed off work with depression and with me as morose as ever there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. She has had depression since hitting 50 but my good mood always seemed to be quite supportive so I would like to think I helped her. Unfortunately with myself now struggling it has had a double knock on effect with my partner. Guess it's really difficult because she doesn't want to offload things on me because I am down and I don't want to offload things on her because she has her own problems. Catch 22.

    Saw my Doctor yesterday and he gave me a leaflet for an organization that helps those with depression or feeling down so I will speak to them. My GP said no job is worth how I am feeling and offered to sign me off but had time off not long ago with a bad back and another problem so it's not as easy as that and of course I am spending every evening and every weekend searching for a new job but no luck as yet. The problem is with each turned down application or failed interview your confidence tales a hit and I am just getting lower and lower.

    I really don't know how to turn this around.
  7. Newbie68

    Newbie68 Member

    Hi all. Just an update in my situation. Nothing has changed job wise but I have tried a change of tac and it seems to have worked to some extent for me. Basically I have decided to not give a monkeys about the job and have concentrated on something else which is my family, especially my little 5 year old nephew who always puts a smile on my face because he is so funny. Without going all Peter Pan over you all my family is my "happy thought" and whilst things are still quite difficult at times and the job is a real downer it's just a job and not worth doing something silly over. In my case if you take the job out of the equation everything else is pretty much ok so I just do the job now to earn money without caring for it, if that makes any sense!!

    Also recently a friends friend took his own life and the devastation seen from that is a wake up call. He left behind a wife and two children and by all accounts many friends who are left devastated and by no doubt confused about his passing. Sadly many people see a person who is just a little down or having a bad day and pass it off as that but in some cases those negative and depressive thoughts have a sad ending as this one unfortunately did. It really is important that no matter how trivial it sounds that if someone is not their usual selves, making comments over a period of time that suggest that they are unhappy or posting (in this mans case) statuses on facebook that suggest all is not well to check if you can as to why they are unhappy and talk to them if you can. It is obviously a cry for help and whilst you cannot plan for every eventuality if you can be a shoulder to cry on it can only be a help to that person to know that there are not alone.

    Also swallow your pride and talk to someone professionally. My wife is going through some issues at the moment and is in a happier place after seeing a regular counsellor (her words not mine). That is what they are there for, that is what they do and they can help you get everything out in the open and offer you support and a chance to tackle things without having to struggle on your own.

    I am lucky as whilst I struggled with negative thoughts that is all that they were. There is a difference with being depressed and having depression. I was depressed and was fortunately able to click myself out of it and if I suffer again I will do something about it. Suffering depression is different I suspect. I am no expert but clearly some of us cannot do it on our own and need help and support. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in asking for help so if you are struggling please ask for help. No one will think any less of you for doing so, in fact they will be relieved and pleased that you have.

    We all have issues that get us down. I know that the fact that there is always someone less fortunate than ourselves is little compensation when we do not feel great but I can say with all honesty that nothing is worth taking your own life for because there is help out there and no matter how bad things seem things can turn around and no one will be better off after you have gone - you only need to see the devastation suffered by the wife, children and friends of the poor man mentioned earlier to see that.

    I hope that this is of help to someone.
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