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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by spinfreak, Jun 15, 2015.

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  1. spinfreak

    spinfreak New Member

    Just saying hi. Not sure exactly why I decided to seek out a suicide forum, but I did....so here I am. I guess I'm just looking for a place to vent and let it all out, more than anything.

    I won't go into a long drawn out story, but I'll give a brief synopsis.....I had never experienced actual depression until about 3 years ago. For no apparent reason at all, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I went from being generally happy, to not caring about living, or anything, at all. I wanted to end it, but because of my brother, I didn't (besides extended family that isn't very close, we both are the on,y immediate family that we each have, aside from a sister and another brother that we both wrote off years ago). I guess that "feeling" lasted for maybe 3-4 months, and then I slowly came out of it. Since then, I've occasionally felt really down, and have had thoughts of suicide, although not very "serious". Those times came mostly about when major setbacks in life occurred (less of job, broke up in a relationship, etc). Anyway, a little over a month ago, my GF broke up with me again (I think this has been the 3rd time over the last 2 years). It was the last straw to set me off, after having a few other low points (being in the hospital for almost 2 months and having a pretty major surgery, was one thing. Being "trapped" in a hospital with almost nobody visiting really put me into a dark place), and having financial difficulties, among other small things that are all piled on top of one another. I could feel that old feeling of not caring about myself, or my life, coming back, and I couldn't stop it. I've been sliding downhill ever since, and I don't see myself coming out of it.
    Aside from my older brother (whom lives with me), I don't really have anyone or anything left to love for. I know if he was gone one day, I wouldn't even hesitate to take my life. I don't foresee an end to my financial situation. And the woman that I love doesn't want a relationship. And I know relationships end and life goes on, but this one was different. She was the one that I saw myself growing old with. I realistically can't ever see myself with anyone else, because she was so amazing that I would constantly compare the new person to her, and that's not only not fair to the new person, but I would never be truly happy with the new person either.
    I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want my brother to have to deal with me being gone. Also, he lacks a lot of common sense, and I honestly don't think he'd be able to survive on his own. I've actually contemplated taking him out and then offing myself. Or talking to him and letting him know that I want to be gone, and then work out a plan for how he will survive with me being gone. My ex knows the place I'm in, but I don't think she fully understands it. I never truly understood depression until the other year when I experienced it for the first time myself. But anyway, she wanted me to promise that I wouldn't kill myself, but I told her that I could not make that promise. I did promise that if I were to plan to follow through with it at some point, that I would be sure to say my goodbyes ahead of time, so if I did that, then she'd know what was coming later on. And I'm a man of my word, so I wouldn't do anything to myself without saying goodbye to her and her kids. And I don't mean a quick goodbye, but to spend some time with them and to let them understand that I will be going away for good.
    Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but at least it does feel somewhat good to vent a little. It doesn't change my overall feeling, but at least my thoughts aren't "trapped" inside my brain anymore. Thanks for "listening"
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum :hug:

    I'm here and listening. I apologise if I don't have much to add, but I'm glad it is helping to vent and get things off your chest.

    Of course, if you don't feel up to answering any of these questions you don't have to. Are you seeking any professional support for these events you have written above? If not I'd advise seeing your doctor who can then refer you to a counsellor, psychiatrist, or prescribe you medication if they feel you need it.

    Is there no way to repair the relationship with your ex?

    Im glad u get along with ur brother. I get along with my two sisters. It helps a tremendous amount.

    Which surgery were u in hospital for?
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    "For no apparent reason at all, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I went from being generally happy, to not caring about living, or anything, at all."

    Hi spin.

    Welcome, and thank you.

    I have waited a long time to hear someone else use the switch analogy. That is exactly how it happened for me, too. However, judging from all the looks of contempt I have received over the years as I have tried to explain this, apparently there are very few who have experienced the same thing.
  4. spinfreak

    spinfreak New Member

    Hi. Thanks for your reply, and I'm always willing to answer questions. I'm mostly an open person, and haven't ever minded answering questions, no matter what subject matter they might pertain to.

    As for professional help, no. I don't have insurance, and with my financial situation, can't afford to go to a doctor at this point. But honestly, I don't think it would help.....I was engaged at one point (to a different woman than the one I mention above), and after breaking up with her, down the road a bit we had tried to work things out, and she wanted me to see a therapist/physiatrist for anger issue (it was never violent or anything like that, but I did have a short fuse and would easily get pissed off). I went for a couple of months, and not only did it not help at all, but I felt a but of resentment, as I tend to like to do things on my own, and rarely go to any type of doctors for anything unless absolutely necessary.

    About a month ago, just after the depression started happening again, my best friend pleaded with me to seek professional help, and just for her sake I contacted a crisis control center through texting. We "spoke" for a couple of hours, and it did nothing at all for me either, except give me the feeling that I wasted a few hours.

    As for my current ex and if things can be repaired, I'm not sure. We're still friends and do things together (not sexual...I mean like hanging out and concerts and stuff), and I see her kids as well sometimes. These break ups with her (more like a backing off than a break up) have happened 2 or 3 other times over the past couple of years, and we always wind up getting back into things full swing. But I think this time is different. I think she will only want to be friends moving forward, and nothing else. Time will tell, but I won't know if I can subject myself to that again, especially being fairly certain that she will back off again at some point, since it seems to be the pattern.

    And surgery was for fluid on my lung. Went I to the hospital with a respiratory infection, and while in there the fluid developed. It was so bad that I needed surgery. Had my left side split open about 16 inches, and had almost 40 staples. It was a much bigger ordeal than they had told me it would be.

    Yep...that's the only thing I can describe if as. It wasn't like I was feeling down for a while and it got worse and worse. It was literally one day fairly happy, and the next wanting to kill myself and not giving a damn about anything or anyone. My ex fiancée suffers from depression, and until I experienced it myself, I never fully understood it.
  5. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I also feel this way, like one day I was ok, then I was depressed, then I was suicidal. Like in the course of a week, and I haven't been able to shake it for the last couple years.
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