Just saying hi. Not sure exactly why I decided to seek out a suicide forum, but I did....so here I am. I guess I'm just looking for a place to vent and let it all out, more than anything. I won't go into a long drawn out story, but I'll give a brief synopsis.....I had never experienced actual depression until about 3 years ago. For no apparent reason at all, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I went from being generally happy, to not caring about living, or anything, at all. I wanted to end it, but because of my brother, I didn't (besides extended family that isn't very close, we both are the on,y immediate family that we each have, aside from a sister and another brother that we both wrote off years ago). I guess that "feeling" lasted for maybe 3-4 months, and then I slowly came out of it. Since then, I've occasionally felt really down, and have had thoughts of suicide, although not very "serious". Those times came mostly about when major setbacks in life occurred (less of job, broke up in a relationship, etc). Anyway, a little over a month ago, my GF broke up with me again (I think this has been the 3rd time over the last 2 years). It was the last straw to set me off, after having a few other low points (being in the hospital for almost 2 months and having a pretty major surgery, was one thing. Being "trapped" in a hospital with almost nobody visiting really put me into a dark place), and having financial difficulties, among other small things that are all piled on top of one another. I could feel that old feeling of not caring about myself, or my life, coming back, and I couldn't stop it. I've been sliding downhill ever since, and I don't see myself coming out of it. Aside from my older brother (whom lives with me), I don't really have anyone or anything left to love for. I know if he was gone one day, I wouldn't even hesitate to take my life. I don't foresee an end to my financial situation. And the woman that I love doesn't want a relationship. And I know relationships end and life goes on, but this one was different. She was the one that I saw myself growing old with. I realistically can't ever see myself with anyone else, because she was so amazing that I would constantly compare the new person to her, and that's not only not fair to the new person, but I would never be truly happy with the new person either. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want my brother to have to deal with me being gone. Also, he lacks a lot of common sense, and I honestly don't think he'd be able to survive on his own. I've actually contemplated taking him out and then offing myself. Or talking to him and letting him know that I want to be gone, and then work out a plan for how he will survive with me being gone. My ex knows the place I'm in, but I don't think she fully understands it. I never truly understood depression until the other year when I experienced it for the first time myself. But anyway, she wanted me to promise that I wouldn't kill myself, but I told her that I could not make that promise. I did promise that if I were to plan to follow through with it at some point, that I would be sure to say my goodbyes ahead of time, so if I did that, then she'd know what was coming later on. And I'm a man of my word, so I wouldn't do anything to myself without saying goodbye to her and her kids. And I don't mean a quick goodbye, but to spend some time with them and to let them understand that I will be going away for good. Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but at least it does feel somewhat good to vent a little. It doesn't change my overall feeling, but at least my thoughts aren't "trapped" inside my brain anymore. Thanks for "listening"