Hello

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stephen999, Aug 4, 2015.

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  1. Stephen999

    Stephen999 New Member

    Hello everyone.

    I am 54, and I live on my own with my two cats, who I adore.

    I lived with my mother up until six years ago. She needed help, and I felt trapped, but things became too difficult, she was very hard to live with, and it became more than I could handle. I contacted social services and explained the situation (my mother was over 80 at the time). They came round and we spoke, then I left them alone with my mother to discuss matters after having spent over an hour with them discussing the best approach, what I should do before moving etc etc, it all went very well. I was working in Brussels two days every week, and told them that if they wished to discuss anything with me, to bear this in mind. I heard nothing for two weeks, and one evening my mother let slip they had visited twice, both times when I was in Brussels, which I though odd, but left the matter. A few weeks later, after moving, I spoke to my brother as I had heard nothing, nd that every time I called social services, there was no-one available to talk to me. He called me back inside an hour and told me that my mother was now on the at risk register from me. I was absolutely shattered by this, I have no idea how or why, and neither did he, and he told me he had ordered them to revoke it, as it was totally unfounded, and ridiculous. However, the stigma remained, they still do not talk to me, and I have no idea why. Unfortunately, my mother has developed the habit of saying untrue things about me to others, I found out when one of them told me, also saying she knew it was not true, and she understood why I was moving. All very unpleasant, and very depressing.

    I have always been a friendly helpful person, but I seem to attract bad things. The real start going downhill started last year. I moved to the town I now live in six years ago, and knew no-one. I have an interest in indoor gardening, and I got to know the owner of a local business that specialised in this. One morning i went down for a chat and to buy some bits and bobs,but the shop had been burgled during the nigh, and there was no stock to sell. I had just received my annual bonus (approx £18,000), so I said I would lend him the money to re-stock to keep him in business until the insurance mney came through. I was not interested in making a load of interest, I asked him what rate he thought fair, he said 8%, and I agreed (more fool me, but I was trying to help not make money). I also did some accounting work for him for no fee as I was not satisfied with the work his current accountant was providing. I spent two weeks sorting out his records, and realised his tax had been incorrectly calculated, stating he owed over £1,300 in VAT, when in fact he was due a refund. I submitted s new claim, and he received the refund, the previous demand was withdrawn. I did all this for nothing to help.

    Well, you can probably guess the rest. Last May he disappeared without trace, taking my money with him. Now, I could take the financial loss, although it was painful, it was the way he repaid kindness by stealing that got me.

    I self harmed on 27th December, it is easy to remember, the day before my birthday. I felt better for a few days, but then the darkness came back. I knew I was in trouble so I contacted NHS Mental Health. They were actually worse than useless, they made me worse. The kept on and on asking the same questions over a period of three months, at no time did I receive any advice at all, nothing, just questions questions. They knew I had cut myself once, and was likey to repeat, but they did nothing. Eventually I phoned and told them to stay out of my life, they made things worse, and since then I have heard nothing at all from them (thankfully, but rather worrying).

    I was made redundant in March, having been with the company for 14 years. I have applied for over 40 positions, and had just one reply, a rejection. apart from that nothing. My company paid for outplacement services, but the agency we chose was hopeless, after four weeks they had made comments on the grammar of my CV, and nothing else, all for £5,200. I complained and they offered a refund which I accepted. I found a second agency, spoke to them at length, and we agreed on a program. this morning out of the blue they called to say they could not accept e as a client, their consultants were fully committed, something I have never heard of. So I was now even rejected as a paying client.

    All around me I see greed, selfishness and people who do ont even know the existence of the word empathy, let alone what it means. All I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. I am on my own, I have no desire to meet people, the last time I tried that I was robbed when I helped out. There is only one thing stopping me, my two cats, who I adore, and I worry what would happen to them. Then tonight I started looking into having them re-housed somewhere they would be happy, leaving me free to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    Sorry my post is so long, but I wanted to explain that my state is not down to a bit of bad luck recently, it is the culmination of a string of crap, and I do not think I can take any more. I just want to go to sleep for ever, and leave this horrid world to the rotten people that infest it.
     
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Don't need to apologise for the length of your post. I am glad you've joined here and hopefully you will get some great support and meet some friends that can help you through all that you are going through. Welcome to the forum Stephen, I hope you enjoy your stay here :hug:
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficult times you have been through. I do however believe that they can be dealt with , though the lack of support from counselors/professional services that should assist in that is woeful in UK and very typical. If you have any kind of supplementary private insurance as benefit from employment as many I knew there have would suggest look into counseling with them, or if not it may be worth considering pay on your own for a few sessions anyway as based on this it is really just a few incidents that have led to your mistrust of people in general as opposed to a long term mental health disorder (and also without a diagnosis of some type of MH illness it will be very hard to get help through NHS).

    While you apprehension of meeting new people is somewhat understandable, one person that stole your money in repayment of an act of kindness is not reason to trust nobody (but may be good reason to not lend money in the future). The issue with your mother was a misunderstanding perhaps, but ultimately she needed more care than you could provide and the situation was addressed- even if it was worded incorrectly plus I suspect the "individual elder rights" are likely the first priority there as well. These are no tsmall issues and they understandably upset you, but i do believe with help you can get past them.

    So far as the job and placement issues- clearly you have some real professional skills and back ground- unfortunately redundancy is far more common with older workers as they near retirement age plus are on a much higher pay plan than new younger workers. Getting placements that are equivalent of old is very difficult and agencies do not want to spend the needed resources for that when they have ample supply of younger lower pay scale therefore easier to place. Instead of going with just the pay agencies try submitting your CV to the regular agencies with instructions to ask you about any job you may qualify for instead if specifics and limited by income. They get paid when somebody hires you , not when you give the resume so even if you are overqualified will try to help place you somewhere. They want more experience so unless you are only interested in MD positions they will find places willing to talk to you at least.

    I guess my point is- you have a lot of good things going for you- are kind trusting good hearted person that has clearly accomplished some things in life. There have been set backs that have been hard to bare for a short while now- but that does not change you as being a very decent person all around that just needs to get a little bit of help and feel like somebody cares about you as much as you care for others. That is too many good qualities to throw them all away so I hope you will look at alternatives despite the cynicism that has grown from these recent frustrations.
     
  4. Stephen999

    Stephen999 New Member

    I didn't want to go on about my past, it seems unfair, but there has been more than this, going back to my childhood. I was badly bullied at school, mentally not physically, which totally destroyed my confidence. My hair had fallen out by the time I was 21, and that is pretty tough to deal with at that age, coupled with 10 years of merciless bullying. I did find my feet a little, but aged 30 had a serious road accident, as a result I have an artificial knee, and all the sport I played was taken away in an instant.

    It is not just the last two years, but even so I surprise myself with my resilience and determination, but everyone has a tipping point, and mine is pretty close now.
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I have a difficult 86. Yr old grandmother that is telling social workers lies about my mother and her sisters who are taking care of her that they don't feed her and take care of her when everyone is on the clock 24/7 taking turns/shifts always cooking/cleaning. She's a negative Nancy those days and refuses to eat anything if it was slightly made wrong in her standards. I witnessed an example one morning, my mom made her hot cereal, at 7 am, then 2 fried eggs and toast for 10 am, then something else for lunch I forgot at noon, the nurse came around at 1pm and my grandma told the nurse that my mom didn't feed her nothing all day long.

    Think it is common in old people. For people taking advantage of you money wise, in the grand scheme of things a lot people are in your postition. A lot people lost a lot money, their entire life savings when the stock market crashed and all of the CEOs still had their money, or scammed by Ponzi schemes etc.... Just saying you're not alone if that helps.

    :hug: continue being kind and be yourself keep trying for jobs don't give up hope
     
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