I am Koumy, 32 years old male from western Europe, new here but not unfamiliar with this type of community, going back and forth depending of the situation, so I am all the way down right now. English is not my first language so sorry if some sentences are not very clear. About me : I was depressed and had suicidal thoughts since age 4-5. During scholarship I was bullied by others until college, but also had very nice friends at the same time, which contributed to my emotional instability. At home I endured physical abuse until age 14, mostly for inappropriate behaviour or being subversive. College years have been probably the best part of my life. Had lots of friends but also lots of moments of "cringe". Probably I had to act myself as somebody funny. My grades were not terrible at this point, but passed the exams without difficulty. Then, at age 22, being unemployed and in despair, I've made my first real suicide attempt, but failed in the middle of the plan. Nobody has know it was an attempt on this day, and was in hospital for 3 weeks. I told my relatives years later and they acknowledged. Despite of my social anxiety I miraculously found a full-time job three years after the incident, have met some nice people there, until the economic crisis wiped a big part of the staff... Now: I'm in a point of stagnation. I lost all my friends, having a weak health, fat, no hobby, having no goals in life and alone. I am hating this world with passion and regret my golden years when I was smart, now I am drifting into retardation. In my mind I will be okay to die within 2 or 3 years, anyway my hygiene of life will permit it. With each passing day, I am more and more determined to end my life brutally. I believe this is too late now, I am broken beyond repair, better let it go. Thanks for reading.