Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DNR777, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. DNR777

    DNR777 New Member

    I'm happy to have found this forum as an outlet for my frustration. I have run out of options and I'm backed against a wall. I am in unbelievable debt. I have no friends. I'm a burden to the few people who know me. I have a job but it is not enough to support myself. At 51, I have made so many mistakes that my mom has been supplementing my income. That comes at such a high emotional price that I cannot take it anymore. She exercises too much control.

    I say my mom is supporting me, but I actually mean my step-father. My mom never had a job and is a depressed miserable person who cannot find joy in anything. She is a social misfit who has zero ability to be gracious to anyone. That includes my ex husbands, any friends I had. My step-father abused me sexually for many years. My mom is so weak and pathetic, she stayed with him because he takes care of her financially despite the fact that he abused me.

    With certainty I hate her. I just hate her so much and cannot accept her support any longer. I'm not looking for pity but want to express to someone how much I will miss nature. Feeling free and finding joy in collecting rocks, seeing an eagle fly. I live in Arizona and even enjoy coming across a rattlesnake. Nature is the only balance in the universe and somehow as humans we have convoluted the hell out of everything. My greatest concern in saying goodbye is wondering if anyone will truly care enough to love my dog. He has a handicap and needs special care.

    My dog is my only friend. I feel as though I am betraying him - he is only four years old. He is carefree and has never known a bad day. He has never known anything but kindness and love. With all the perversion in the world, I fear for him when I am gone. I'm preparing a binder of all his quirks and needs so that someone will read it and truly love and care for him. I hope that my last moments will not be consumed with worry over my dog. More than anything, I want to leave relatively peacefully with the knowledge my dog will be cared for.

    I feel sorry for myself because I am a person not wrapped up in material things. I live in the moment and truly love the things in life that are free. I'm a good person who was born to a vile mother and I cannot break free because she holds the financial chains. My only alternative is death. I cannot take it any longer. I won't take it. In the end, she killed me and all the while demanding respect because she is "helping" me. She knows how to write checks and be manipulative. I cannot remember her ever even giving me a hug. I remember her beating me senseless over nothingness. Not one hug or tender moment can I remember from her. Deep down she must know. Hence the checks. Fuck her.

    My solace and my peace at this point have to come from saving my pills and setting a date. I have to prepare and see this through so that I can go forward knowing there is an end to this hell. I've started to give things away. Not that I have much. Most of my things were thrown in the trash. I don't have much left except some items that have sentimental value. I hope I'm successful the last thing I want to do is wake up tied to a hospital bed to be treated like shit by hospital personnel. I've done enough reading to know there is zero sympathy for suicide victims.

    I want to die in nature and have animals find me and eat me. Never do I want to be in a morgue with people cutting me up. My hope is my body will never be found. That is my only hope after concern for my dog, that he finds a good home. I will place him with my ex under the guise I will come back. One my way out, I'll put a letter in the mailbox. By the time he reads the letter, I will be long gone. It will be on a Sunday, so he will check mail on Monday night.

    I'm sorry I'm rambling. I've been on a collision course with suicide for a few years and the time has come.

    I'm Susan.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2016
  2. Fee_alone

    Fee_alone New Member

    Susan. Don't go.
  3. I'm so sorry Susan that you've had your value and worth dragged through the mud and back. You've been beat down and stomped on for far too long that it has changed the way you view your entire life. The lens you view life through is broken, shattered, and irreparable. I wish there was something that I could tangibly do to bring you back from the brink of self-destruction. I believe there is a God who loves you, though you may question that, I know He has a plan for your life. Praying that you begin to see the light in the midst of heavy darkness.
  4. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I am sorry for how you feel toward your mum and your relationship. I exactly feel like being backed against the wall and I can understand what not imagining any solutions means. But I remember that once I've been in this situation before and I got out of it in a way that I would never ever even dreamed of. That's the thing that helps me to wonder to find an option now. There might be a way out of the unhappy relationship with your mom, without saying good bye to your dog or the nature. There are things that you enjoy doing in this world. Please stay strong and don't go.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum Susan. Have you seen a counsellor about the abuse?