I've felt suicidal for around 5 years, however, it was just a few years ago that I tried it. I overdozed on paracetamal. Of course it didn't work - I ended up in hospital which I was angry about. When I was 13 I was referred to a psychologist and was there until I was 16. I felt alright for a while but last year my life was rather eventful and I found it all very stressful. I am now 17, I'm back in therapy, I've been diagnosed with depression and have been advised to take medication. I used to cry all the time but now I can only cry when I'm drunk. I've abused alcohol alot lately aswell as mild drugs. I smoke over 20 cigarettes a day and have done so since I was 12 - I don't do it to look cool - I do it because I feel better knowing I'm damaging myself inside. For the past month or so I have sat in my room in the dark when I've got home from school and just think ... and very occasionally drink until I feel sick. What is worrying me is that I have started taking a knife to my arms and I really enjoy it. Before the only form of physical self harm I've ever done was scratch myself until I was bleeding. I've also thought how would people feel if I were gone - I mean I have to wait until monday before I get to talk to my psychologist and I have no idea if I'm going to make it or not. I really don't know how to explain what I'm going through right now so apologies if this sounds like a lot of bullshit.