Hello. I have just joined the forum. I am a female in my early 40s, live alone, and have suffered recurring depression throughout my adult life. I function most of the time, I get out of bed, I work, I make friends. This depression has hit me especially hard as my ex-boyfriend decided to find someone else and has disappeared from my life completely, after I supported him through the first year of his marriage separation. I have been single for most of my life, mainly because I never feel I am good enough for my partners and tend to sabotage relationships, which i did with him. But he bought some much needed love and security into my life, and now that he's gone, I feel a million times worse then I did before I met him just over a year ago. I also didn't get to have children, and feel extremely 'not my real self', and feel I have a bleak and lonely future ahead. I will not kill myself because I cannot hurt my elderly parents and my siblings. But at this point I do not really want to live anymore. Thank you for reading.