Hello

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jawa, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. Jawa

    Jawa Guest

    I'm probably not going to make much sense, but I'll try and explain myself in as clear a manner as possible. :smile:

    I have suffered from insomnia from the age of 3 years old, 6 months of barely sleeping (about 1-2 hours per night) then 6 months of excessive sleeping (14-18 hours per night) is my year. As you can imagine that puts a great toll of stress on both me and the people I live with.

    I began having suicidal thoughts from the age of two, I would tend to fantasize for a few minutes per day on specific ways in which I could kill myself. As I grew older these thoughts increased, so by the age of 13 I would sit paralyzed in my bed fantasizing about these things and planning them out in my head. I barely ate, as I would starve myself in an attempt to gain some control over my life.

    When I was 14 I moved in with my Grandmother after social services said I could no longer live at my Mother's house (my Step-Father abused me). My Father had moved to the States years ago so there was no support for me other than my Grandmother. Despite this I still managed to pass a few of my GCSE's (complete high-school) and gain an enterance to College to retake a few of my GCSE subjects. I am 16 now.

    One of my problems is irrational fears. When I am alone there is something in my house that spies on me. Whether I am hallucinating or not I really do not know. All I know is that I get the feeling that if I challenge it's opinions then it will kill me with needles. I have never heard of spirits being able to do that, so I am presuming this is some irrational fear and/or hallucination. The healthcare services available to me where I live do not provide any service or support, as I have tried for help many times in the past. As a result I am expected to just "get on with it".

    I suffer from stress easily, and have unexpected panic attacks if things get too stressful. If I had to average it out I'd say I get a panic attack about every 2-6 months.

    Regarding suicide, I constantly educate myself on the various methods I could use. So that when I do feel low, I have everything set up for me (I even go to the extent at times of packing all my things away in labelled boxes, so it's easier for people to dispose of my things when I'm dead. As you can imagine it gets quite tedious unpacking again!). The strange thing is, I don't have to feel emotionally upset in order to want to die. The only way I can explain it is like when you want a bar of chocolate. It's a craving that constantly eats at you, you feel an urge to do it, even though there's no emotional reason not to. Sometimes I do feel upset by things (usually minor) and that leads me to want to commit suicide. But many other times it's just this weird urge.

    Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2007
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Jawa..
     
  3. LifeHurts

    LifeHurts New Member

    Damn that terrifying.
    I have no idea how scared u have to be when u feel its spying on u.
    I kno that sometimes when i go to sleep and i lay in my bad and i feel a presence or something like that i just lay and observe until i just pass out.
    Its scary but im shittles scared sometimes.
     
  4. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    :welcome: jawa
    feel free to continue to post about your fears, it might help you. This is a great support site and has saved manys lives. Stay strong hun. Youre in my thoughts. :hug:
     
  5. Jawa

    Jawa Guest

    Thank-you for the support everyone. I really like this site, it's a place where you can talk to people about suicidal feelings/thoughts and they actually understand.

    The healthcare providers where I live do not give me any support for my problems. I told my other half today that I joined this site and what I posted, he is pleased because he knows talking to people in the same kind of/similar situation(s) helps. He does not understand suicide fully and admits that, so I think he is pleased I have a place to talk about these things without being judged.

    Today I slept in and missed my lessons at College. I felt so down I felt a strong urge to overdose. In the end I made up my mind to go to College and just find my boyfriend and talk to him. Even though I didn't want to go, and it was very hard, I still managed to go in. At times I wish I was on anti-depressants or some kind of medication to help control these urges, because I'm not always sure how to deal with them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2007
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