Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jackman, Apr 12, 2007.

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  1. Jackman

    Jackman New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I've been depressed for almost four years now, since I was sixteen. But it's only recently that I've felt my life collapsing because of it.

    The main problem is the self-loathing. I've never considered myself to be as worth as much as my friends and family. At first it made me rather selfless, and almost all the pleasure I got was from making people happy (I felt it was like they were getting something from my nothing). But now... I just feel apathetic. I haven't been doing any of my university work as a result, and the chances are I'll drop out. It just seemed to me that there was no point. I've also withdrawn from my friends entirely; I haven't spoken to them in over a week, except to tell them that I don't feel like coming out. Even when I'm with them, I'm completely withdrawn; I barely say a thing, and they must have noticed, but they haven't said anything. Most of the time I try my hardest to hide it.

    When I look into my future, I see nothing. It's painful, so I don't even try anymore. I can see myself being around for maybe another year, before I just stop caring entirely and end it.

    The big problem is that I don't understand why I feel like this. I have good friends, I'm at a good university, and I have parents that would die for me. I've tried to rationalise it many times, but it comes to nothing. My personal theory is bipolar disorder, after reading the Wikipedia entry on it, due to my occasional manic periods where I would just talk to myself constantly. Contradicting what I said above, these were other times when I felt happy, but they've got a lot rarer recently. I haven't felt properly happy, or even content, for over a month.

    It was just yesterday that I realised just how screwed I am. Before, I'd always hated the idea of suicide; my reasoning was that I have no right to disappoint my friends and family like that, and it's better just to take the pain so that they don't have to. But yesterday I acknowledged that, if I die, it won't matter; I won't have to see them suffer. And I know how selfish that is, and I hate myself for it, but it sticks in the back of my mind anyway.

    So I registered here. I need help, and I know that. I don't want to die, and I don't want to put my loved ones through hell. I want my life back.

    You have no idea how good it felt to type that last sentence (or maybe you do? I don't know). It's probably too late to salvage my university degree; I have five pieces of work, worth a total of 20% of the year, almost unstarted on my desk, with two weeks to do the lot. I still feel my usual apathy and lack of concentration, but at the moment I have the willpower to push through it. But unless I'm proactive about changing how I feel, I know I'll just stop. And that'll be the end.

    I'm sorry for the extreme length of the post, but I just felt I had to say how I feel. I'm hoping to become an active member here, and maybe I can get back to being myself again, for the first time in years.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey Jack,

    Welcome to the site.

    It is TERRIFIC that you don't want to die and want your life back. It's great to see someone with that attitude.

    Have you been to the doctors? They can do a lot to help you, which would be a good start to getting your life back.

    Also, Try talking to your uni tutors about how bad you feel, be as honest as you can about what is going on, etc. Maybe try and defer for a year or something, so that you can take that year to get better, and then pick up your studies in a much better mindset.

    Also, there will be a welfare department at your uni, so you might want to go and talk to them too. They too can offer a lot of help, and certainly pull a lot of weight over the tutors, etc. They could grant you extensions on your assignments.

    Maybe you could try and be honest with your friends about why you are pushing them away. They care about you and are probably worried and scared (which might be why they have not said anything about it) about you and would be willing to help and support you, I am sure.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself.

    Hopefully SF can help you find your fight and support you as you get your life back.
  3. Jackman

    Jackman New Member

    :) Thanks a lot!

    I doubt I'll be able to tell people about it. I've been a recluse for too long, and a meaningful talk seems beyond me. Even before I pushed my friends away, I could never talk to them about anything serious; I just felt they'd judge me, and I didn't (and don't) want that. Same with my parents. My doctor and tutor, though... I think I'll have to tell them. The thought of it terrifies me, though, but I suppose if I don't, I'll just suffer more.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It is great that you can see that you need to tell your doc and tutor. It will be scary, but it could be incredibly beneficial to you.

    With regards to your family and friends, hopefully they would see you for what you are, which is all the things they knew about you before, but also that you are ill. They shouldn't judge you for being ill.

    You might find in time that you are able to talk to them, maybe when/if you do, you could print info off the web about it, and show them. That way they would be educated from the start and hopefully that would stop any reactions that come from fear and ignorance.

    I am not someone who talks about how I feel, people see a smiley happy front, but the more you talk about it, the easier it will become. Maybe try just to release something little to them, and release it in bits a bobs and that might give you confidence in their reactions. Remember they care about you, and that should be the most important thing.

    Also, you might find with the doctor, etc, that writing things down helps, so that you can make sure that they know eveything you want them to know.

    Sorry for the disjointedness of this reply.

    Take care of yourself
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome Jack
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Jack. I too have difficulties telling people about what is going on with my life. I have found though, that through this site, writing about things on the forum, talking with people that understand, etc., it has become easier. I am not saying that things just pour out, but the more often you let it out in the open, the easier it becomes to say. Feel free to talk to us here as much as you'd like. Maybe you will be ready to take the next step after a little while. Take care hun and stay safe. :hug:
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Jack! :smile:
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. If you ever need a friend, my PM box is always open for you. :) :hug: Take care .. ; )
  9. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum!:smile: If you feel you can't tell you friends "in real life" then tell us. Maybe it will get easier just from telling us about yourself and your struggles. I know I feel better just letting my feelings out, and I've made many friends here, as I'm sure you will also.


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