Discussion in 'Welcome' started by janlost, Apr 22, 2007.

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  1. janlost

    janlost Member

    Hi :smile: For all intents and purposes, my name is janlost. I'm 44 years old and have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life, untreated. I've managed to deal with whatever life threw at me most of the time with more or less good grace until about 10 years ago.

    It started with the sudden, untimely death of my brother in '97(my only sibling) and the birth of my first son, who was born with hypospadias (genital deformity) in '98. After that, everything seemed to go downhill. I've been fighting since then to keep the little sanity that I have but... I think I'm losing that battle.

    After the death of my Mom back in '99, I seemed to gain some strength back but rapidly lost it after the birth of my 2nd son in '01. I went into a deep depression and couldn't bear to deal with anything that resembled reality. I managed to fight my way back somewhat until the death of my father (my last remaining immediate relative) in '04.

    I found that my drug abusing husband was still at it, wasn't supportive of me at all, refused to see that I had a problem with depression, among other things. I've separated from him since then and as I knew that I couldn't support my kids emotionally or financially, I requested that they go with him to his Mom's in another state. I knew that I was heading for a nervous breakdown and I didn't want my kids to suffer for what I couldn't do for them. Besides that, I only had one local friend who I hardly ever saw. I had no one to give me local support and I had no family in the area either. Where he was going, he had his Mom and aunt, along with truckloads of cousins in the next state so the kids could know their family.

    Since then, I've been on a downward spiral that I can't seem to fully pull out of. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't having suicidal thoughts. The one time that I reached out to my then husband for help, telling him that I wanted to die, he treated me with disdain, guilting me about the way I was feeling. To be fair, I realized after the fact that he was just unable to deal with such mental issues as depression. At the time, I was deeply hurt and partially still am but I've forgiven him for his actions at that time.

    I've hesitated in expressing these feelings to anyone, for fear that they would place the same guilt trip on me... I really don't want to die, I just want the pain that I feel every single minute of every single day to go away.

    At this time, I'm pretty much housebound by anxiety and depression... it takes a lot of self talk to even get myself out the door to do something as simple as going to the store to get food.

    For anyone who got through all that, you deserve a medal...

    Thank you and take care,

  2. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    Welcome, welcome. I hope you find some support here on SF. They help me a lot and I hope they help you feel at home.

    Hope things improve for you.

  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum.. I hope you feel comfortable enough to jump in :) If you ever need a friend or to talk please know you can PM me anytime hun. :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I would like to welcome you to the forum janlost. Thank you for sharing what you did with us. I am sure it was not an easy task. So many things can affect the way we feel about things. When you throw in all the variables that makes life even more difficult. Are you receiving any help to combat your depression or the anxiety? I wish their was someone close to you that you felt you could talk to. Someone that would not reject your feelings even if they could not understand them. You will find that kind of caring atmosphere amongst the members here. I hope we are able to support you and give you that little extra you may need. Take care. :hug:
  5. janlost

    janlost Member

    Thank you all for the warm welcome :hug:

    gentlelady, yes it was hard for me to post all that... to date, only a scant handful of people know about what has been going on with me, those that are either good friends to me or are just empathetic to what I've been through.

    I truly feel at home here :biggrin:
  6. crzykidshanana

    crzykidshanana Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on here that long...but I've found that people here give pretty sound advice and sincerely want to help other people.

    It's comforting that people DO indeed have a place to go to when all else seems lost.

    I'm glad you've decided to join.

    I prefer cookies over medals, any day.
  7. janlost

    janlost Member

    Thank you, crzykidshanana :hug: It feels good not to be judged.
  8. crzykidshanana

    crzykidshanana Well-Known Member

    We'd be hypocrits if we did, love.
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum ^_^
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi, welcome to the forum :)

    I hope to see you around :) :hug:

    Take care,

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