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Hello

#1
Hi everyone, I joined recently but didn't feel like introducing myself at the time and I've also been quite busy with exams.
I study computer science and I've hoped to start a master's degree in data science somewhere abroad next year, so I'm working towards that goal at the moment(or trying to) even though I know that it probably won't make a difference, not for long at least. At the very least it's a good distraction, like video games. I used to read a lot more than I do now but I've felt extremely exhausted and anhedonic for a while now.

Suicidality is what brought me here, perhaps obviously, though the reasons for that aren't perfectly clear to me. I don't really know what my problem is, I can't point to specific events or unfulfilled desires. Retrospectively I can see how the conditions in which I was raised could have influenced me to some extent in a way that lead to my current state. Those bad family relations and the feeling of not belonging anywhere.
Now I guess I just want to be at peace without having to consciously influence my environment and the information I allow myself to process so as to remain in a stable state. It's thoughts like - I shouldn't let myself get close to people because it ends badly, I shouldn't try something new because I'll realize that I'm awful at it and probably feel bad, I shouldn't eat food rich in sugar because it will have a negative impact on my mood in the long run etc. I'm not exactly a rational being and I don't follow my own code of conduct all the time, but it's a constant bargain with the future. There's nothing I can do about that probably, it's the tragic human condition, though some people seem to get the hang of it at some point in their lives. Maybe I could personify evolution and blame it for the leap of faith it's made by introducing consciousness to the picture, the way antinatalists do... Well okay, I'll stop myself before it turns into a boring essay revealing all the ways in which I qualify for the title of a broken irreparable mess.
Nice to meet you all :)
 
#2
Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm also interested in Computer Science, as I know a few others here are, and programming is one of the ways I enjoy passing the time (although I have been, like you, lazy recently). I'm glad you joined the forum.
 
#4
Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm also interested in Computer Science, as I know a few others here are, and programming is one of the ways I enjoy passing the time (although I have been, like you, lazy recently). I'm glad you joined the forum.
Nice. Any particular intetests? I think I was mainly interested in game development before starting university but I've mostly focused on mathematics during my studies which is why I'm considering applying for a data science master's now.
 
#5
Nice. Any particular intetests? I think I was mainly interested in game development before starting university but I've mostly focused on mathematics during my studies which is why I'm considering applying for a data science master's now.
I mostly use high-level languages such as Python, Javascript etc. I've never learnt game development but I debated learning it and you never know I might. If you are interested in both Maths and Computer Science I would say data science is a good fit *thumbsup (not to mention some good job opportunities as well).
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#6
Hello and nice to meet you also. I have worked in and with computers for 35 years. My programming was always in IBM systems using mainly RPG II and IV, Control Language and programming and working on the IBM midrange systems such as S/34, S/36 and AS/400.
 
#15
Thanks @Innocent Forever and @Kitten ^._.^ . I've had a rough few days. Mood shifted drastically and unexpectedly, seemingly with no exterior stimulus. I had the plans to end it all, had the means too, but mom got suspicious and searched my room, took the supplies(the ones she managed to find) away and left me to contemplate my decisions for what seemed like eternity. I still wish I could do it, I'm still taking more benzos than I should, but it's gotten a bit better, so here I am, miserable and repugnant as usually, but alive. She finally convinced me to see a therapist again, so maybe I'll get some happy pills soon.
Hope you're doing okay at least.
 

Innocent Forever

Still innocent!
SF Supporter
#16
Thanks @Innocent Forever and @Kitten ^._.^ . I've had a rough few days. Mood shifted drastically and unexpectedly, seemingly with no exterior stimulus. I had the plans to end it all, had the means too, but mom got suspicious and searched my room, took the supplies(the ones she managed to find) away and left me to contemplate my decisions for what seemed like eternity. I still wish I could do it, I'm still taking more benzos than I should, but it's gotten a bit better, so here I am, miserable and repugnant as usually, but alive. She finally convinced me to see a therapist again, so maybe I'll get some happy pills soon.
Hope you're doing okay at least.
Sending hugs
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#17
Hey @inconsequential0 , I'm glad you're here, hope to see you more in chat sometime (if you want to ;)). I hope meds help you a bit, at least with some of the symptoms. I find it's often worth trying and going through the difficult process. I relate to a lot of what you said too.
I have to code a lot in my job as well, but I'm not a fan, lol. I can definitely see how it can drive one to having unhealthy thoughts... I guess it's important to have some degree of variety in life - if you're on the computer the whole day at work/studies, have some time away from it too, whatever activity that may be. It's really refreshing once you start doing it. :)
My biggest advice (if you want one ^^) would be not to isolate yourself completely, I'll never stop saying this. Even if it's hard sometimes to get up and go see someone, even if you feel like a mess and like they may not care, go, don't push people away. It may not always make you feel better, it probably won't feel great all the time because you are in a bad place, but not doing it will make things so much worse, and it's really not worth it... People do care, at least a little bit. Even if they don't always fully understand, they may try to, and that matters, in case you want to talk about it with them (you are in control of what you want to say). Or you just sit quietly without overthinking things, without assuming that they are better off without you, because that's a lie.
Ah, anyways, hope to see you around. Take care, we care. Sending hugs in the meantime.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#18
Hi. I'm glad you're going to start therapy again. (And maybe get some medication in you) You deserve to try to fulfill your life here, yanno? You clearly have a very depressive streak going so I hope you can see someone soon. Any idea when that's going down? Can you see someone in person yet?
 
#19
Hey @Auri, thanks so much for the thoughtful response. I'm not the best at showing appreciation, but I do appreciate it!

I'm glad you're here, hope to see you more in chat sometime (if you want to ;))
I'll try to get myself there when I'm a bit less gloomy and tolerable enough to be around. I'll just assume that I am at least when my mood is at its peak values :)
Well, I'm starting to feel better now that I've stopped taking benzodiazepines. I always have the same reaction to them and yet I keep doing it. Such is my brilliance.

I have to code a lot in my job as well, but I'm not a fan, lol
Oh noez, I can see myself becoming less of a fan too, proportionally to time spent doing it *blub
But you're right, the subject is way too technical to be the only thing we do. Maybe I should explore my creative side a bit(I don't have a creative side *shh).

My biggest advice (if you want one ^^) would be not to isolate yourself completely, I'll never stop saying this.
But I failed to develop the necessary social skills in my formative years *wacko
Not to mention that I turn into a sarcastic cynic when someone tries to get closer. Now that's some amazing adaptive behavior right there. Sometimes I'm simply amazed at how many complex defense mechanisms I have. No psychiatrist ever managed to break them.
Well, I'll try my best :D
 
#20
Hi. I'm glad you're going to start therapy again. (And maybe get some medication in you) You deserve to try to fulfill your life here, yanno? You clearly have a very depressive streak going so I hope you can see someone soon. Any idea when that's going down? Can you see someone in person yet?
Thanks :)
I already did. There's currently no lockdown where I live, though there should be. The therapist didn't prescribe any medications yet as she wasn't sure if I'd come back for the next session at all. She also thinks I'm in need of psychotherapy much more than medicine anyway, but I don't think I'll be able to discuss anything traumatic so I'm thinking about giving up on it again*dunno2
 

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