Hi everyone, I joined recently but didn't feel like introducing myself at the time and I've also been quite busy with exams.
I study computer science and I've hoped to start a master's degree in data science somewhere abroad next year, so I'm working towards that goal at the moment(or trying to) even though I know that it probably won't make a difference, not for long at least. At the very least it's a good distraction, like video games. I used to read a lot more than I do now but I've felt extremely exhausted and anhedonic for a while now.
Suicidality is what brought me here, perhaps obviously, though the reasons for that aren't perfectly clear to me. I don't really know what my problem is, I can't point to specific events or unfulfilled desires. Retrospectively I can see how the conditions in which I was raised could have influenced me to some extent in a way that lead to my current state. Those bad family relations and the feeling of not belonging anywhere.
Now I guess I just want to be at peace without having to consciously influence my environment and the information I allow myself to process so as to remain in a stable state. It's thoughts like - I shouldn't let myself get close to people because it ends badly, I shouldn't try something new because I'll realize that I'm awful at it and probably feel bad, I shouldn't eat food rich in sugar because it will have a negative impact on my mood in the long run etc. I'm not exactly a rational being and I don't follow my own code of conduct all the time, but it's a constant bargain with the future. There's nothing I can do about that probably, it's the tragic human condition, though some people seem to get the hang of it at some point in their lives. Maybe I could personify evolution and blame it for the leap of faith it's made by introducing consciousness to the picture, the way antinatalists do... Well okay, I'll stop myself before it turns into a boring essay revealing all the ways in which I qualify for the title of a broken irreparable mess.
Nice to meet you all
I study computer science and I've hoped to start a master's degree in data science somewhere abroad next year, so I'm working towards that goal at the moment(or trying to) even though I know that it probably won't make a difference, not for long at least. At the very least it's a good distraction, like video games. I used to read a lot more than I do now but I've felt extremely exhausted and anhedonic for a while now.
Suicidality is what brought me here, perhaps obviously, though the reasons for that aren't perfectly clear to me. I don't really know what my problem is, I can't point to specific events or unfulfilled desires. Retrospectively I can see how the conditions in which I was raised could have influenced me to some extent in a way that lead to my current state. Those bad family relations and the feeling of not belonging anywhere.
Now I guess I just want to be at peace without having to consciously influence my environment and the information I allow myself to process so as to remain in a stable state. It's thoughts like - I shouldn't let myself get close to people because it ends badly, I shouldn't try something new because I'll realize that I'm awful at it and probably feel bad, I shouldn't eat food rich in sugar because it will have a negative impact on my mood in the long run etc. I'm not exactly a rational being and I don't follow my own code of conduct all the time, but it's a constant bargain with the future. There's nothing I can do about that probably, it's the tragic human condition, though some people seem to get the hang of it at some point in their lives. Maybe I could personify evolution and blame it for the leap of faith it's made by introducing consciousness to the picture, the way antinatalists do... Well okay, I'll stop myself before it turns into a boring essay revealing all the ways in which I qualify for the title of a broken irreparable mess.
Nice to meet you all