I was looking up suicide on the internet and came across your forum. I'm a 59 year old man who lives on his own. I'm used to feeling isolated. Mostly I'm distracted and don't see the trouble I'm in. I drink to excess but that's another story. My feelings aren't caused by my alcohol consumption as I have long periods without touching it and don't feel any better. I'm just looking for some courage to kill myself, but I don't think I'll ever find it. I know exactly where I'd do it and how. It's just that there's always another day. I put everything off until later. I'm even failing at failing.
I don't fit among people; I never have. Every connection I've ever had with anybody has been instigated by someone else. I get on with a few people but I don't really have any real friends. I don't know if I'd want any; not at my age. I'm conscious that I'm seeing out the last days. Other people wouldn't help me as I'm too far gone for that.
The other day I saw a cockroach at work and stamped on it. I wish a big boot would come out of the sky and stamp on me. But I doubt that would do any good. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the horror of existence, how we're here at all sometimes shocks me - it often terrified me when I was young. It's a massive nightmare and somehow I think death won't end it. Once you're in, you're in.
Anyway, let's party.
I don't fit among people; I never have. Every connection I've ever had with anybody has been instigated by someone else. I get on with a few people but I don't really have any real friends. I don't know if I'd want any; not at my age. I'm conscious that I'm seeing out the last days. Other people wouldn't help me as I'm too far gone for that.
The other day I saw a cockroach at work and stamped on it. I wish a big boot would come out of the sky and stamp on me. But I doubt that would do any good. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the horror of existence, how we're here at all sometimes shocks me - it often terrified me when I was young. It's a massive nightmare and somehow I think death won't end it. Once you're in, you're in.
Anyway, let's party.