Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by John., Sep 5, 2007.

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  1. John.

    John. New Member

    I decided to kill myself soon. I wanted to clean myself up first so I've been fasting for 6 days. I think that I will kill myself in 2-3 weeks. <mod edit: bunny - methods>

    I'm fat, very ugly, shortsighted, asthmatic, losing my hair, lazy, weak, insane and a total freak and loser. I have crazy mood swings. To classify me with mental disorders I could have manic depression, BDD, OCD, schizophrenia, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial PD, social phobia, and a bunch of others. Almost everyone hates me, mocks me, humiliates me and I hate almost everyone. I'm very superior to the subhumans around. Think of how it would be for you to live in a world in which everyone else is a mentally-handicapped offensive child, and they dominate you. That's how the world is to me.

    I hate myself. I've had no friends since I was 11, which was 14 years ago, and no girlfriend. I know that I am terribly ugly but with my BDD and bipolar disorder I go through these mood swings when I think that I am pretty handsome but mostly I accept the reality of my ugliness. Quite a lot of girls hit on me but I have always been so shy that I act like I don't like them to make them go away. I'm very frightened of girls. Often I think that they are playing cruel jokes on me by pretending to like me. Sometimes I think that I look so ugly in pictures but nice in the mirror - other times the same in both. People always say that I look ugly in pictures and sometimes that I'm ugly in person. I can't understand it. One girl kissed me once and then we went back to her house but then I was so scared I left while she was in the bathroom. That was 7 years ago and the only thing I've done with a girl. All the time though I long for girlfriends, it breaks my heart. I don't think that I can have friends because people fit to be my friends are so rare I never meet them in person. I don't get on hardly at all with other males. In the rare cases of other guys who like me I don't really like them, we just aren't the same and I'm so damn' shy and awkward that trying to socialize is humiliating torture for me. I just sit in the corner looking at the floor in silence, alone.

    I'm weird and very immature in some ways and ahead of the curve in others. Although I think that I am classed as having Aspergers Syndrome, so AS guys don't often mature in their late teens but in their mid 20s, and I think thatg's how I am, I'm quite mature now. So throughout my life I've been so awkward and had so many terribly embarrassing incidents where I acted the wrong way or whatever. Dozens of times I've been more embarrassed than 9/10 people ever are. The memories torture me and will until I die. Because I did not understand what I was doing I wasted almost all of my time.

    All that I do is sit in front of my PC in a dark room and overeat (although I've obviously stopped eating now). It's so pathetic and disgusting. I can't handle reality so I try to forget about it. What am I supposed to do when I'm so ugly, there's nothing that I can do. My youth just passed away while I was hiding from the world and I knew it all the time and all that I can do is be deeply unhappy and ashamed and embarrass my family for ever while it gets worse and worse and I slowly decay. You can see that there's no hope for my life to suddenly stop being awful. I'm almost always so wistful and bitter and nostalgic and longing for company and happiness but I know that I can't have it. I still live at home. 2 years ago I did a month in a mental hospital, taken there by the cops for saying that I was going to kill myself because I girl said that I was ugly although I didn't tell anyone that. It's so embarrassing and humiliating. I lied and acted kind of normal while I was there, appealed against my commission and got a plea bargain to get out, I then spent another 2 months in halfway houses where I went back to my regular routine of sleeping all day, staying up all night and walking around being sad at night and eating junk food and sitting in front of my PC.

    When I was 18 I poured a big box of powerful hospital painkillers into a pan full of whisky and drank it, hoping to die. Sadly I woke up and puked it up. I used to cry a lot but not so much now. I'm so much older now I'm just fading away and hardly care anymore. You know how it is. When I was in high school I sat alone too. I'm naturally scruffy. I have strong hatred and contempt for the degenerate subhumans around me and I don't care what I look like too much. I find it degrading to be terrorized by them into conformity. They are always trying to break me down and crush me into acting like them, which is degrading and shameful. My life is just pain and shame and mockery and a chore. I've started to watch the clock to look forward to the time passing so that I can go to sleep again. I wish that I could go to sleep and not wake up.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2007
  2. jeezo, i hope u can make it through john, im sure u will. im sure ur a nice person too with a heart of gold just waiting to get out. i love sleeping to because in your dreams your invincible, but if you want relief from death, how will you feel it if youre dead.

    take time to think seriously and put these thoughts out of your mind. professional help is what you need. love brigid xxx
  3. John.

    John. New Member

    Thanks for your kind thoughts Brigid oxo. I don't dream though.

    It just feels like a relief to tell someone about how screwed up I am, as oppossed to walking around with a pokerface in silence and acting a role with dishonest fools. Which is what I do to avoid spending the rest of my life locked up.

    I should have mentioned how I spend hours most days staring at myself close up in the mirror, holding up a mirror to the mirror so that I can see from different angles, alternatively taking pictures and videos of myself on my webcam, moving the light here and there, fiddling with the settings, sometimes I take a 1000 pictures in one sitting. It's so insane. A little while after I posted yesterday I decided that I was pleased with the way that I looked so went on an upswing again, feeling so happy and excited and jumpy.
  4. aww but cant u jst forget how u look and accept how u r. u must dream but mayb not remember it, iv got a weight issue atm as well, but plz dont do anything cos ill cry too. ppl will come on here and look at ur post and c ur an eloquent person with hundreds of qualities, but with depression, you cant see them. i know what u mean about putting on a face for the world, iv acted fine for years, which makes it really easy to go manic, n then depressed again all in like 5 mins say. im learning tho.

    i jst believ there is an answer other than death. im a survivor of an od, lol it was only on sunday. pm me if you need to chat. xxx
  5. A_Loser

    A_Loser Well-Known Member

    i think i have BDD too, but i'm afraid thats just an excuse for me ... you know, holding on to it thinking maybe i'm not really ugly ... but reality is that i am.

    It sucks i know, most people judge you solely on how you look.

    For the reasons above i fear i'll spend the rest of my life alone or end up settling for someone who i don't like just 'cause i don't wanna be alone (well, that person would have to be really desperate too, to be with me) and thats the main reason i wanna end my life.

    I guess i don't have anything useful to tell you, only that i know how it feels :sad:
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