Hi, my name is Nik, Im 17...
I tried posting last night, but, I was too tired. I dont think Im an Insomniac, but I do go days without sleep for whatever reason - games, to speak to the very few friends I have left and so on...
I go to college, pretty normal life, parents are divorced and they both have partners. I switch between living with my Mum and Dad, mostly with my Mum because my Dad is only around from 01:00 - 13:00... Which is usually when I sleep...
A little about why I feel like... S*****e:
Last year I lost about 8 people I was very close with, 3 blood brothers, 2 sisters-in-law (my bloodbrothers wives) and one of them was pregnant... And a girl I loved very, very much. I also lost a blood sister to suicide. This year I almost lost another blood sister - for some reason, who I get close with ALWAYS dies.
I have no real friends in UK, I do not like to be with people because I live in 2 moods - angry and depressed. I have to hide behind false laughter, jokes, smiles... When I am outside of my room.
I had fooled psychologists and psychiatrists with my attitude and 'lifes great' easygoing style...
I have tried suicide 5 times before, each time failed because I was impatient. The first two times were done quickly and without thought, research or planning. The second was nearly a success, but, because I told someone who I loved very much - my blood sister who killed herself, she called an Ambulance - she was too far away to recieve a note. The next attempt was again an overdose, but it was a little too small and I only needed to be in 24 hours and to see psychologist, all because a girl dumped me. The last time was... Different. An attempt which left no evidence, I got rid of what little evidence there was with ease; I failed because of the materials I used were poor in quality.
My family are no great help. My Dad does not understand, but, he tries to help but makes things worse. My Mum is a attention seeker, she uses it all as a excuse to say she is a bad parent so that all her friends will rally around her - 30 people in one house just to see her, and I am left in my room, on my own... She knows how to manipulate. My sister hates me. She gave me nice scars when I was a kid and always takes things out on me. My Mums partner works long hours, when he gets home he is either a F***e, or a game partner. My Dad's partner, I do not speak with much, most of the time my Dad goes to see her - they visit in different weekends to each other, the wonders of internet romance, they live towns apart and do not wish to leave their jobs and move.
I find it hard to talk about how I feel. I can do it on paper, or on computer... But when it comes to handing it over to psychologist or psychiatrist, I cannot do it. I cannot say the words, I cannot hand over the paper which says it... The only way I can do it is to make sure it 'falls' out of my pocket, which is hard. I guess it comes from being an 'attention seeker' - which is what both my parents think... My Dad does not say it, but, I know he thinks it, it is in his eyes. My Mum vocalized it, along with the fact I am "the biggest mistake to ever happen" to her.
With more current problems is that I do not wish to be a great weight on everyone. My psychologists have said I can ring anytime if I feel bad... I cannot. One reason is I left my charger for my phone at my Mums house, other reason is I do not wish to take them from their family, I will feel guilty. In the first week of January, I have an appointment at a mental hospital, to see if I do need to be hospitalized, which I am kind of scared of. I think I need it, I cannot trust myself to be alone, all the time my parents are at work and sister is at school I go and see my Grandmother who lives near my mother... I do not like to be alone because I ALWAYS want to die, except I know I cannot kill myself when other people are near - too dangerous.
The main reason I do not want to die is because of a girl. I like her very much, she does not like me a tiny bit. Did not even reply to my Christmas Greets... But at the same time, as it makes me depressed and angry... I do not want to die and go to hell (if such place exists) because what if she goes to hell? I will see her suffer eternally... If there is a Heaven, I will see her from Heaven and have to watch her get married and have children... Which would break me again and again... Or if she did not get married and have children, she would be depressed and that would also hurt. I do not know if there is an afterlife, but, only when I take my medication (which I usually spit out after) do I not want to die... My medication makes me feel too close to people... It makes everything seem too close...
Well, congratulations if you read all that... Thanks for... Listening? Reading? Whatever. I am glad such a place as this exists, because, otherwise I would not be able to share much of this...
Many thanks,
Nik
I tried posting last night, but, I was too tired. I dont think Im an Insomniac, but I do go days without sleep for whatever reason - games, to speak to the very few friends I have left and so on...
I go to college, pretty normal life, parents are divorced and they both have partners. I switch between living with my Mum and Dad, mostly with my Mum because my Dad is only around from 01:00 - 13:00... Which is usually when I sleep...
A little about why I feel like... S*****e:
Last year I lost about 8 people I was very close with, 3 blood brothers, 2 sisters-in-law (my bloodbrothers wives) and one of them was pregnant... And a girl I loved very, very much. I also lost a blood sister to suicide. This year I almost lost another blood sister - for some reason, who I get close with ALWAYS dies.
I have no real friends in UK, I do not like to be with people because I live in 2 moods - angry and depressed. I have to hide behind false laughter, jokes, smiles... When I am outside of my room.
I had fooled psychologists and psychiatrists with my attitude and 'lifes great' easygoing style...
I have tried suicide 5 times before, each time failed because I was impatient. The first two times were done quickly and without thought, research or planning. The second was nearly a success, but, because I told someone who I loved very much - my blood sister who killed herself, she called an Ambulance - she was too far away to recieve a note. The next attempt was again an overdose, but it was a little too small and I only needed to be in 24 hours and to see psychologist, all because a girl dumped me. The last time was... Different. An attempt which left no evidence, I got rid of what little evidence there was with ease; I failed because of the materials I used were poor in quality.
My family are no great help. My Dad does not understand, but, he tries to help but makes things worse. My Mum is a attention seeker, she uses it all as a excuse to say she is a bad parent so that all her friends will rally around her - 30 people in one house just to see her, and I am left in my room, on my own... She knows how to manipulate. My sister hates me. She gave me nice scars when I was a kid and always takes things out on me. My Mums partner works long hours, when he gets home he is either a F***e, or a game partner. My Dad's partner, I do not speak with much, most of the time my Dad goes to see her - they visit in different weekends to each other, the wonders of internet romance, they live towns apart and do not wish to leave their jobs and move.
I find it hard to talk about how I feel. I can do it on paper, or on computer... But when it comes to handing it over to psychologist or psychiatrist, I cannot do it. I cannot say the words, I cannot hand over the paper which says it... The only way I can do it is to make sure it 'falls' out of my pocket, which is hard. I guess it comes from being an 'attention seeker' - which is what both my parents think... My Dad does not say it, but, I know he thinks it, it is in his eyes. My Mum vocalized it, along with the fact I am "the biggest mistake to ever happen" to her.
With more current problems is that I do not wish to be a great weight on everyone. My psychologists have said I can ring anytime if I feel bad... I cannot. One reason is I left my charger for my phone at my Mums house, other reason is I do not wish to take them from their family, I will feel guilty. In the first week of January, I have an appointment at a mental hospital, to see if I do need to be hospitalized, which I am kind of scared of. I think I need it, I cannot trust myself to be alone, all the time my parents are at work and sister is at school I go and see my Grandmother who lives near my mother... I do not like to be alone because I ALWAYS want to die, except I know I cannot kill myself when other people are near - too dangerous.
The main reason I do not want to die is because of a girl. I like her very much, she does not like me a tiny bit. Did not even reply to my Christmas Greets... But at the same time, as it makes me depressed and angry... I do not want to die and go to hell (if such place exists) because what if she goes to hell? I will see her suffer eternally... If there is a Heaven, I will see her from Heaven and have to watch her get married and have children... Which would break me again and again... Or if she did not get married and have children, she would be depressed and that would also hurt. I do not know if there is an afterlife, but, only when I take my medication (which I usually spit out after) do I not want to die... My medication makes me feel too close to people... It makes everything seem too close...
Well, congratulations if you read all that... Thanks for... Listening? Reading? Whatever. I am glad such a place as this exists, because, otherwise I would not be able to share much of this...
Many thanks,
Nik
glad to have you here.