Discussion in 'Welcome' started by soapymongoose, Jan 15, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    Hi :tongue:

    I'm from the UK, North West to be exact. I'm a scruffy 28 year old "musician" with a lot of aspirations, oodles of talent (apparently) but all the woes in the f*cking world. Or at least it seems. I don't play in a band or anything. I play in my bedroom, I write songs, I compose entire albums in my head. Heaven knows how many songs I've forgotten let alone wrote. I have played one in public. To two people in a room who couldn't make out more than a syllable here and there ("but the music was shit hot Jim, you just need to come out of yourself a bit more" - how exactly? what you are seeing and hearing IS me.) I can play 6 instruments to varying standards but have only really played guitar regularly for 6/7 years now. Let's just say I relate to Slash when he says he can express himself far better to the world using his axe.

    I grew up in Johannesburg, South Africa from the age of 8. Born in England but my mother and new stepdad at the time pretty much ran away from their problems. The main one, at least to the family unit, my bio-dad.

    Here I am back in England, for 10 years now this April, the same amount of time I spent overseas. Really f*cking odd because it feels I haven't lived here as long. Technically I've spent 18 years in England, 10 in SA but it feels the other way around somehow. I'm rambling, I do that :dry:

    I group my "issues" into categories. Two main ones, and a group of others underneath. I like to appear stronger than I am and achieve it to a degree, but people soon start thinking something is up despite my efforts. I do try, in my head I honestly do try but I grew up not being able to talk to anyone about anything that bothered me. Least of all my family. As an adult I now struggle to not speak my mind, which can not really be beneficial at times. I don't know, even 2 days ago there was an incident that has caused a bit of regression. I now haven't slept in 3 days and am really f*cking worried actually that I'm going to let myself go again. Last year was a horrid year personally. It has took a lot out of me mentally and even physically. I developed eating problems, lost 3 and a half stone in a short time and pretty much did my best to run my body into the ground by not eating and smoking too much weed. It was a conscious decision. I've done the food thing before when I was 14/15. I don't think I have a disorder but then I don't think I'm qualified to say anyway so all I can say is no. I've tried my best to eat properly since 3rd November 2008, about 9am. I made the decision to gradually phase proper food (I eat a gross amount of sweets) out on 2 February 2008. I'd just been to the doctor's because I felt ill when I ate anything so I'd been living off soup for 4/5 days. I think I was too stressed from just moving house. I only moved from living in a flat on my own to living along the next street with two friends but I hate moving now, we moved around soooo much growing up. 15 or more houses (and one Hotel in Blackpool for 5 years) as a family. I'd attended 7 schools (that I can remember) before the age of 12. Most of it is such a blur, there was no stability and I was a pretty messed up kid anyway. I had a horrible childhood, was taken advantage of by a sick person. A really sick person. Also, my own father kidnapped me at the age of 3, telling me my mother had abandoned me apparently. The only thing I can remember about it is eating breakfast, egg on toast, and being lifted up by a police officer, and hearing my mum screaming. My god she was screaming. He was a wife beater, he took me merely to get at my mother. I found out 12 years later he also took my unborn brother from me by means of his "punishments." I was gone for nearly a month, I will never meet the person my brother would've become. What if he could've prevented so much?

    Anyway we ended up homeless for a short while at some point shortly after, at a place for people with nowhere else to go. Me, my mum and my sister. I don't remember a thing about staying there. I know of things that happened because the same things happened for 3 years regardless of where we lived. Lets just say I was more of an expert than I would like on varying sexual positions before the age of 6 due to a "friend of the family." I honestly do not know what I would say to Chris if I saw him, apparently though he is dead. Committed suicide my mother told me when I was 25. I only told my parents when I was 22, I blurted out "that's not a fucking problem, I was abused for 3years as a toddler," having just listened to some, in my opinion, pathetic story my stepfather had told about some business proposal he lost money with that turned him into a verbally abusive, manipulative tosser. Our relationship when we were growing up was torrid. Even now I've spoke to him 4 times in 4 years and seen him only once in the same time. I couldn't function whilst living with him and I'm pretty sure the tension is what caused dysfunction in the family leading to it's eventual collapse and divorce. As much as he's never understood me and chastised me for what he perceived as my short-comings at least now he can talk to me without "that look" in his eye. The only problem is I stay away from him. At least now he can offer his support and say he's there for me. The only problem is I don't need him. My mother is in denial I think. She out and out accused me of lying when I accidentally let slip what happened to me. After a toilet break she had a very different look in her eye. The only other time we breached the subject was when she informed me of my abuser's suicide. I didn't, and still don't, believe her. I don't crave justice, I don't think I crave revenge. I pure hate myself. I really do, I have known nothing else but bad, a lot of the time almost unbearable, feelings. I don't know if I have ever felt truly happy or content. With anything. At worst I can really mess people up, best friends, girlfriends, family members. At best apparently you'll find no better friend, son or boyfriend. The bad always outweighs the good in love relationships and they inevitably fail. My family life, as erratic as it was growing up, since I have lived on my own my relationship with my mother and sister has improved I'd say in a lot of regards. My stepfather is more understanding about me but he wasn't awfully nice to my mum after their divorce. She has found someone she is truly happy with, I can see that straight away and I am so happy for her because I never thought she would find that for a slong as she lived. Anyway my stepdad did everything in his power to ruin that, he didn't manage to but apparently he wasn't far off a court hearing and probable short prison sentence. That's heard through a gossip vine though, so *shrugs* I do know a few facts about what he did and I lost touch with him when I heard really. I called him for his birthday the other day and I'll deliberate about calling him again. But then I always deliberate about calling him...

    Anyway I am so sorry, I tend to just go on and on :unsure:

    Hi everyone, it seems like a place where I might fit in more often than not. I don't know if I've ever said that before now :tongue:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF :)

    I'm glad you found us :hug:
  3. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    :welcome: to SF. im from the North East, UK :tongue: Im always around somewhere. feel free to pm me when ever :hug:
  4. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    welcome to SF :]
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi mate. Another one from the north west eh? I'm from Manchester myself. And another musician. I too play the guitar. Hope you find what you are looking for here in the forum. I'm usually around so pm me anytime if you want a chat.:smoke::biggrin:
  6. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    I guarantee you will fit in SF just fine, making friends and gaining the support you need.

    Welcome to the forum :D
  7. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome soapymongoose. I hope you have lots of supportive and positive experiences here on SF :smile:
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. i am glad you happened upon us and chose to join. I am sure we will be seeing you around the forum. :shake:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.