Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pither, Mar 11, 2009.

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  1. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I've never searched for help or guides like this before.
    I'm just at that point in my life where all the roads are dead ends and nothing is working for me.
    I've been through the therapy and I've been on the medications. My mom's a crisis worker so I know the drill. It's just not working, NOTHING is in my favor anymore. I don't know where else to turn.

    I don't want to give you some pathetic sob story about all the reasons my life "sucks". I just want to be able to say how I'm feeling and how desperate my situation is to someone who isn't going to judge me or tell me to suck it up.

    I've never been this close before. I've written my note and I know exactly how I'm going to do it.

    I don't know what I'm asking for, whether it's understanding or support or who knows what. I'm just scared.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, pither. Welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear that you feel this desperate.

    It might actually help if you could tell us a bit of what's on your mind. Has something happened in the past or recently that is upsetting you so much?

    You can PM me if you don't want to post details. Please hold on; don't do anything out of desperation - things can get better!

  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I've found more help and understanding here than I ever imagined was possible. Hope you can find the same. Best wishes, S:smile:
  4. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the welcome,

    I don't mind discussing my feelings on a post like this. I really don't have anything to lose at this point so it doesn't matter.

    I'm am 17 and I'm still not driving because I'm scared too. I'm the only one of five children that is schooled at home because I hate my peers and I'm afraid of crowds. I'm failing in school currently and I've been lying to my parents about it to their faces. I lied to the people who support me most and love me best. My mother does everything for her kids and husband. She lives and breathes for us. She supports me in everything and I pay her back by lying to her and not living up to my potential. Last night my parents confronted me about my terrible grades. I wasn't angry or upset when they punished me, I deserve so much worse than what they gave out. I was sick with myself because I betrayed them. I was angry because they weren't angry, they said they would support me and help as best they could to save the rest of my school year. I'm the oldest, I'm the role model for my siblings, yet I'm the biggest disappointment and the biggest failure.
    I hate knowing that. I hate knowing that I'm not doing myself or my parents justice. It hurts me so badly. I can't deal with these feelings anymore. I can't negotiate with my pain any longer. If I tell my parents how I feel I'm just going to feel worse. I can't imagine asking my mom to take to the hospital because I feel bad enough to kill myself. I can't look at them in the face. I'm so ashamed of what I've become. I take advantage of the people who care most. Every part of my life is falling apart. I used to try and just focus on the good parts and try and make the bad parts better. But how can I do that if all the parts are going down hill. I can't deal with it anymore. I just can't do it.
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you have a family who love you and it sounds like you love them. Don't be hard on yourself for not being truthful about how you are doing in school. From what you have said I imagine you just didn't want to worry them. School doesn't work for everyone and some of the most successful people around never did well at school. Let your folks help you as best they can. I'm sure they want what is best for you and I am sure it would hurt them more to lose you than to know how bad you feel. If you can't talk to them then talk to people here. It does help. As for driving I was nearly 40 before I learnt. Best wishes.:smile:
  6. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    pressure to perform well in studies, pressure to be a role model as u r the eldest in the family. did badly in ur grades, ashamed of urself, feel like a total failure......... I can relate to you at one point of my life when i was schooling. High pressure society drives kids to suicide. -sigh-
  7. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your support-

    I talked to my parents over lunch just now and they support me completely, even after all the stuff I pulled on them.
    I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to be placed back on medication and next week I'm going to start therapy again.
    My mom forgives me, and the funny thing is it only makes me feel worse.
    I have a long way to go before this whole thing clears up.
    My mom even said that just because we talked doesn't mean I'm going to shoot up with a giant smile on my face and feel all better.
    I still feel like dirt, but knowing that my parents are on my side certainly makes it a bit easier to deal with-
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